34 posts categorized "Miscellaneous"

October 18, 2011

Keep Your Focus On You And Watch Your World Change

IStock_00strong womanTime and again I watch men and women constantly pointing their fingers at the other person.  They spend all their time and energy trying to change what the other person is doing.  Both men and women believe that if the other person would just be kinder, talk more, stop raging, complaining, controlling or (fill in the blank) then everything else would be fine.  They then spend the next ten years trying to get their partner to make those changes. 

I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that this seldom -- if ever -- works.

Trying to change another person will never work.  In fact, it can’t work.  It can’t work because no one has the power to change someone else.  We can ask, plead, beg, bully, rage, try to force them to do what we want them to do, yet in the end they get to decide.  In the end, they decide what they will do and how they will do it.  No amount of pleading or screaming will change the fact that they choose their behaviors.

And, likewise, no one can make you change either.  Only you have the power to change yourself.  Only you decide what you will or won’t do.  Even if your partner is bullying you, raging and in your face threatening you—ultimately you still decide.  You decide if you will cower, give in, stand your ground, stay, go and everything in between.  You decide.

Continue reading "Keep Your Focus On You And Watch Your World Change" »

October 04, 2011

The Girl Effect

Girl_Effect_Logo_3 On behalf of the Girl Effect project, this post is written for all the girls throughout the world who have been kept down by men, women, nations and our world. 

Young girls, throughout our world, are crying for our help.  They’re begging for our help.  Their bodies are being sold, beaten and raped.  These girls have no say.  Young girls are being forced to marry men twice -- even three times -- their age.  Some girls are only eight years old when they are given to an older man as a wife.  He rapes this young child under the license of marriage.  Fathers give their precious little girls away for many reasons: to settle a debt, buy a cow, make amends for their own poor behavior, because they view girls as their property to do with as they please and on and on.

The treatment of girls as a commodity is happening in my world.  The ongoing abuse of young females—and, indeed, females of all ages-- is happening in your world.  The violence, degradation and abuse of females is destroying our world.  These abuses are happening today and are tragically effecting our tomorrow. 

Females are being abused, taken advantage of and controlled at an alarming rate in our world today.  This abuse is happening at the hands of men who are fathers, husbands, neighbors and leaders.  And until men and women step up and step in to take a stand against the abuses, they will continue to harm our world. 

Continue reading "The Girl Effect" »

September 27, 2011

“You Complete Me”: A Set Up in Relationships

IStock_0cryingwomanall Time and again I work with women who are turning to men to complete them, validate them, protect them and somehow give them a sense of self-worth. 

Turning to men to do any of the above is a losing move:
•    Wanting men to complete you insinuates that you are in some way not whole now—that’s crazy.  If you struggle with feeling complete, by yourself, then work this issue.  Get into therapy and look at why you play so small in your life an in your mind.
•    Turning to men to protect you is a fascinating irony considering, a majority of our world’s violence is committed by men.  One man may be your protector, yet, he cannot be with you 24/7; you are still at risk of another man harming you.  Learn to protect yourself.
•    Looking to men to prove that you are worthy never works.  The problem with this game plan is if you believe a man proves you’re worthy, then you are only worthy as long as you have a man.  What happens when the relationship ends, either by your choice or his? Now all of a sudden his absence means you’re unworthy?  There is no logic in this kind of thinking.  Your worth is not tied to anyone or anything—it is a given.  You are worthy because you are.  No one can take that away from you.  A life is a life and every life has equal worth to another life. Know this.   
•    Finally, weighing the legitimacy of your ideas on the validation of men invalidates yourself.  Validate your own ideas.  Listen to your own instincts.  Trust yourself as much, if not more, than others—including men.

Too many women are sleeping with men before they want to, desperately clinging to men who aren’t interested, crying over men who don’t treat them well and settling for men who are harmful.  If you are a woman who can relate to this post, know that as long as you “need” a man, you are not ready to be in a relationship with a man.  A man can add to your life, help you enjoy your life and be a part of your life.  He cannot complete your life.  He can be your lover, your friend and your companion.  He can love you. laugh with you, connect with you, support you, grow with you, enjoy you and be with you.  He cannot validate you or make you worthy.  Know the difference. 

Learn to listen to your own instincts, validate your own thoughts and tell yourself you are worthy.  Anything short of this will lead you desperate and turning to the wrong men (and people) in your life.  You are your greatest asset.  Take care of yourself and the rest will fall into place.

Challenge: Take an honest look at yourself and your relationship to men and other people.  Do you turn to others to validate you or give you a sense of worth?  What would things be like if you stopped turning outward for these things and instead turned inward? Turn to yourself for validation and protection and see what change this incurs in your life. You are worth it.

September 14, 2011

Dare To See What You See: Women Take Off Your Blinders

IStock_0blindfold It seems that some women have incredible difficulty seeing what’s right in front of them.  Sometimes their fear blinds them and other times it’s their training.  Many women are trained to be nice, to give people a chance (or a thousand chances), to not make waves, to second-guess or doubt themselves and to believe that others know better than they do about their life.  

This clouded vision is keeping women in dumb relationships, toxic friendships and miserable jobs.  The truth is that if women would take the time to tune into what they see, feel and think, they would be greatly surprised at how spot on they are. 

Below are common behaviors I see and my interpretations of them.  I offer these as an attempt to provide women with a clear lens.  My hope is that women in these situations take their blinders off and trust that they can handle taking an honest look at what’s right in front of them.
1.    You find a provocative text (or sext) message on his phone: If this happens—know that he is having an affair or is flirting with having an affair.  Either way, your relationship is in trouble.  Do not believe that it was just a joke or harmless or any other “explanation” for an unexplainable breach of trust.  See it for what it is and don’t ignore your instincts. 
2.    Your partner is having an affair and does not want to end it: The message here is he’s not interested in you and you are not where his heart is.  If there is no remorse and he continues in the affair, he is no longer yours.  Work through your grief—do not try to get him back.  As Oprah says, “only be with people who want to be with you”—don’t settle for less.  If he is remorseful in his words, yet continues to contact her—you are not his priority or even his concern.  Work through your grief and do not try to get him back.

Continue reading "Dare To See What You See: Women Take Off Your Blinders" »

September 11, 2011

Remembering: A Tribute to 911

IStock_0policecarsll One tower hit, soon to be two
A beautiful day now tragic and askew.
The sirens ring, the towers fall,
The people scream and loved ones call.

Another plane down, another to go
What the hell is this?  The world wants to know.
Fathers, mothers, children and friends,
Down in the ashes never to rise again.

The tears and sorrow are so hard to bear,
The result of man’s hand—so much desperation,
Even more despair.

Ten years later we look upon the scene,
We watch as unnamed heroes flash across the screen.
We’ve survived the evil, we’ve risen from the fall
A nation torn apart tries to make sense of it all.

Remembering the pain while continuing to move on,
An entire nation touched and striving to be strong.
The unborn children of ten years past,
have risen from the ashes, they’re healing from the blast.

The trauma of that day sits in our souls,
We remember the flag waving as it sits upon the pole.
I pray a fire’s started, a new burning flame,
A fire of nations healing, a fire that refuses to maim.

Remembering.



September 09, 2011

Sometimes It’s Just Not About You

IStock_00alcohol coupleXSmall Women often blame themselves for some of the most outlandish behaviors of their partners.  This is an interesting phenomenon, especially since, in my experience, men seldom blame themselves when the women mess up.  Placing blame where it belongs is important.  If you’re at fault, by all means own up to what you did and repair it.  If, however, someone else did something hurtful, don’t blame yourself and wonder how you caused your partner to be so hurtful—that’s crazy thinking.

If someone does something that is hurtful to you, stop looking at whether or not you caused it and realize what the person did was wrong.  Over the years I’ve had women wonder:
•    If their husband’s visiting a singles web site was their fault.  Please, you no more have control of your husband’s Internet philandering than you do anything else in his life.  If he chooses to get on a singles site—his decision has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.  You may just want to ask yourself why you want to be with someone who is so deceptive...and then blame yourself for his deception.
•    If their partner’s sexting another woman was because they were boring, unattractive or too heavy.  Really?  His sexting another woman is because he finds it exciting and he wants to do what he wants to do.  It has nothing to do with his partner’s anything.  See it for what it is and deal with the facts.

Continue reading "Sometimes It’s Just Not About You" »

August 31, 2011

Stop the Finger-Pointing

IStock_0criticalwomanwithmanl People have this fantasy that “if only” their partner was kind, or respectful or caring or … (fill in the blank),  their relationship would be great; this is not how relationships work. The idea that your relationship would be fine or easy “if only” your partner…, is a convenient way of taking the responsibility of creating a healthy relationship off of yourself. Chances are your partner is thinking the same thing about you – if only you would…

She said: “You never talk, it’s like I’m living alone!”
He said: “I would talk if you weren’t nagging all the time. Did you ever think of that?!”
She said: “Well, if you did something around here, I wouldn’t have to nag. Did YOU ever think of that?!”

…and on and on they go with little, if any, resolution to many exquisitely () described problems.
 
To create the relationships you want, you have to be consciously working them in new ways. This requires that you look at your part FIRST, and when you’ve changed you, THEN, you look at your partner’s part. For example if your partner is treating you poorly, are you putting up with it, treating him/her poorly back, setting limits around it or just complaining about it?

In contrast, are you treating your partner poorly? If so, are you blaming your actions on your partner or are you looking at your part and realizing that it is never okay to treat others poorly? You may set limits, make a request, get help or ultimately if you are that unhappy, you may leave; you may not however, be disrespectful, hurtful, cold or abusive.

If you are behaving in any of these ways, then it’s time to change your part of this equation.
…if you want to change the game, you need to change your moves.  Complaining about or constantly trying to get your partner to change their moves will keep you stuck.  The truth is you have no control of your partner—or anyone else for that matter.  Fortunately though, you do have total control of you. Start focusing on the easier, more doable change in your relationships.  Focus on you.

Continue reading "Stop the Finger-Pointing" »

August 10, 2011

The Pull to Want to be Heard and What to do About it

IStock_0couplearguingll Time and again women tell me they don’t feel heard.  They’re tired of their fathers, partners or children not listening to them and can barely contain themselves when they can’t get through to someone.

I absolutely understand the frustration of not feeling heard by someone.  It can often feel as if you’re banging your head against a wall.  The more you try to explain, the less they hear and the more frustrated you become.  It’s an incredibly difficult place to be in. 

What if, however, I told you to let go of your need to be heard?  What if I told you that you might never be heard by a certain person, about a certain subject, no matter how hard you try…and that that’s okay?  The truth is that sometimes people won’t hear you.  They may even not hear you about something that will feel monumentally important.  And sometimes their not hearing you may result in significant consequences for them. 

When someone refuses to listen, you have to learn to let it go rather than trying harder to be heard.  At some point you have to know that you’ve done your part and the rest is up to the other person, fate, divine intervention or life.  Below are a few tips to help you handle your need to be heard without speaking so loud that people tune you out.

1.    Let go of your need to feel heard.  When we are desperate to be heard we almost guarantee that our message will not be heard.  All you need to do is speak your message—what other people do with it is on them, not you.  If they ask for clarity—clarify and then let it sit.
2.    Laser your message.  Too many women use a wall of words when they feel as though they are not being heard.  They will go on and on explaining, describing, rambling and increasingly weakening their message.  Stop explaining.  Say it straight in a lasered fashion and then stop speaking.

Continue reading "The Pull to Want to be Heard and What to do About it" »

August 03, 2011

10 Tips for Creating a Successful Family Vacation

IStock_00familyll This summer has reminded me once again of how important the little things are.  Regarding vacations, it’s the little things, in fact, that make the biggest difference. Below are 10 tips to help make your family vacation a successful one for all involved.
1.    Tune into your family.  Be present, not distracted.  Sit back and enjoy your family without the stresses of work or other distractions.  Enjoy their hugs, jokes, off-the-wall comments, etc....and allow them to enjoy you.
2.    Tune out of work.  Do not sprinkle work throughout your entire vacation.  If you must work, do so for a predetermined pocket of time and then tune out of work and into your family.  Do not be constantly answering calls, responding to messages, etc.  That gets really old really fast…and annoying.  It also sends a message to your children that they come second—even on vacation.
3.    Listen.  Children often speak the truth.  Be courageous enough to hear their message without dismissing it or defending yourself.  If they’re hungry, feed them.  If they’re tired, let them rest.  Don’t be so determined to follow a schedule that you take the fun out of having fun.
4.    Laugh.  Have fun and be playful.  There’s nothing like a good hearty bout of laughter to bring a family closer together.  Moments of laughter are often some of the fondest memories for children and grown-ups alike—lighten up and laugh.

Continue reading "10 Tips for Creating a Successful Family Vacation" »

July 19, 2011

Part I: What is Co-dependency?

IStock_0caretaking womanll Countless women I see are struggling with issues of codependency and it’s killing their relationships (men can also be codependent).  The tip off for me of codependence is desperation to make a relationship work despite countless signs that it’s not a healthy relationship.  The person may be in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship yet stay for years because they “love” the abuser for example.  This desperation often leads the codependent into twisting themselves into a pretzel to try to make the other person happy and the relationship to work.  Below are several red flags for codependency:

1.    An unhealthy reliance on others to make you happy.
2.    Putting the needs of others above your own needs and wants.
3.    Going out of your way to get someone’s love, acceptance or attention even at your own expense.
4.    A belief that the attention and love of another is what will make you happy.
5.    A strong desire to care-take another despite their constant attempts to push you away or get you to stop.
6.    Frequent attempts to control the other person’s actions, behaviors, choices etc.
7.     Excessive analyzing or preoccupation of another person’s actions, thoughts, deep-seated issues as you see them or feelings.
8.    The grandiose belief that you know what’s best for the other person, what they need and/or what they’re emotionally hiding.

Continue reading "Part I: What is Co-dependency?" »

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