August 17, 2011

Women and Friendship: Building the Foundation (Part II)

IStock_00friendshipXSmallI recently wrote a post on women and friendship—here is Part II to that post.  Enjoy.

Below are the three remaining rules of engagement when it comes to creating healthy friendships:

1.    Be supportive not competitive.  A true friend celebrates another friend’s success.  Women continually try to downplay their successes with one another so other women don’t feel upset or jealous.  Downplaying your success is crazy.  Be proud of each other and encourage one another to go even further.
2.    Hands off significant others.  Although this should go without saying, I’m going to say it anyway.  Stay away from your friend’s partner.  I’m shocked at how many “best friends” have had affairs with their friend’s spouse.  Really?  Do not play with fire when it comes to your friend’s partner.  Don’t flirt, don’t cry on their shoulder, don’t listen to the partner complain about your friend.  And if you hear or see that your friend’s partner is seeing someone else—your loyalty is to your friend—tell her!
3.    Be the friend you wish to have.  Friendships are a balance of give and take so be sure that you are neither always giving nor always taking.  Ask for help when you need it and offer help when you know they need it.

In general, creating healthy friendships requires healthy people.  Pay attention to whom you hang out with and be sure that they are building you up, not tearing you down.  Make sure you are doing the same for them.  A friend is someone you can count on to lovingly give you the truth (even if it hurts), proudly cheer your successes on (even if she hasn’t been as successful) and gives you advice that’s in your best interest (even if she doesn’t follow it herself). 

Be the friend you wish to be with and hold your friends to the same level of expectation.

Challenge: Take an honest look at yourself and your friendships and see what you notice.  Look at the list above, choose one tip to incorporate that you think will help in your friendships and ask your friends to do the same. 

August 14, 2011

Women and Friendship: Building the Foundation (Part I)

IStock_00friendshipXSmallFriendship can be one of the saving graces in the lives of many women today.  Women who are in stressful jobs, unhappy marriages, toxic dating relationships and troubling parenting roles are looking to their friends for an anchor.  Unfortunately some of the friendships that are meant to be a support are greatly missing the mark.  Too many women are backstabbing one another, giving harmful advice or encouraging one another to take actions that are not helpful.

Below are a few rules of engagement for healthy, supportive friendships.  When women have strong, healthy friendships, they can be life-saving.  These rules will help create the strongest networks with the most positive influence.
1.    Be honest.  Too many women blindly back their friends’ behaviors even when the behaviors are off.  Blindly backing one another is not helpful.  If your friend was off in an argument with her child, partner or friend, don’t just agree with her that the other person was a jerk.  Relationally tell her what you think.  Also, don’t lie to your friend about how she looks, why you can’t go out with her or anything else.  Lying breaks trust.  Say the hard thing relationally and don’t cover it up.
2.    Encourage her to find happiness within herself, not through someone else.  Women are trying to prove their worth through the attractions of men.  Don’t push your friends to “find a man” in order to feel happy.  When you need a man to make you happy, you will meet the wrong kind of man -- one who is likely to make you miserable.  With your friends, be each other’s support rather than pushing each other to desperately find someone to complete them.
3.    Do not talk poorly behind a friend’s back.  If you have a problem with a friend, speak with them directly.  If you are angry, hurt, concerned, annoyed or (fill in the blank), go directly to the source.  Nothing can be solved if you’re talking to the wrong person.  Take the high road and refuse to speak behind their back.

Friendships can be one of the most significant relationships in your life.  They have the power to influence you that no other relationship can.  Be sure that you surround yourself with people whose influence will be for your better, not worse.  Hold yourself to that same expectation.

Challenge:  For the next three weeks, pay attention to how you follow the three rules above.  Are you honest—even when it’s difficult?  Do you encourage your friend’s successes or try to hold her down?  Do you talk behind your friend’s back when you’re angry or do you go directly to her and discuss your upset?  Choose one tip from above that you need to work on and be diligent about doing so.  Notice any shifts you see as a result.





















       
















       

August 10, 2011

The Pull to Want to be Heard and What to do About it

IStock_0couplearguingll Time and again women tell me they don’t feel heard.  They’re tired of their fathers, partners or children not listening to them and can barely contain themselves when they can’t get through to someone.

I absolutely understand the frustration of not feeling heard by someone.  It can often feel as if you’re banging your head against a wall.  The more you try to explain, the less they hear and the more frustrated you become.  It’s an incredibly difficult place to be in. 

What if, however, I told you to let go of your need to be heard?  What if I told you that you might never be heard by a certain person, about a certain subject, no matter how hard you try…and that that’s okay?  The truth is that sometimes people won’t hear you.  They may even not hear you about something that will feel monumentally important.  And sometimes their not hearing you may result in significant consequences for them. 

When someone refuses to listen, you have to learn to let it go rather than trying harder to be heard.  At some point you have to know that you’ve done your part and the rest is up to the other person, fate, divine intervention or life.  Below are a few tips to help you handle your need to be heard without speaking so loud that people tune you out.

1.    Let go of your need to feel heard.  When we are desperate to be heard we almost guarantee that our message will not be heard.  All you need to do is speak your message—what other people do with it is on them, not you.  If they ask for clarity—clarify and then let it sit.
2.    Laser your message.  Too many women use a wall of words when they feel as though they are not being heard.  They will go on and on explaining, describing, rambling and increasingly weakening their message.  Stop explaining.  Say it straight in a lasered fashion and then stop speaking.

Continue reading "The Pull to Want to be Heard and What to do About it" »

August 03, 2011

10 Tips for Creating a Successful Family Vacation

IStock_00familyll This summer has reminded me once again of how important the little things are.  Regarding vacations, it’s the little things, in fact, that make the biggest difference. Below are 10 tips to help make your family vacation a successful one for all involved.
1.    Tune into your family.  Be present, not distracted.  Sit back and enjoy your family without the stresses of work or other distractions.  Enjoy their hugs, jokes, off-the-wall comments, etc....and allow them to enjoy you.
2.    Tune out of work.  Do not sprinkle work throughout your entire vacation.  If you must work, do so for a predetermined pocket of time and then tune out of work and into your family.  Do not be constantly answering calls, responding to messages, etc.  That gets really old really fast…and annoying.  It also sends a message to your children that they come second—even on vacation.
3.    Listen.  Children often speak the truth.  Be courageous enough to hear their message without dismissing it or defending yourself.  If they’re hungry, feed them.  If they’re tired, let them rest.  Don’t be so determined to follow a schedule that you take the fun out of having fun.
4.    Laugh.  Have fun and be playful.  There’s nothing like a good hearty bout of laughter to bring a family closer together.  Moments of laughter are often some of the fondest memories for children and grown-ups alike—lighten up and laugh.

Continue reading "10 Tips for Creating a Successful Family Vacation" »

July 25, 2011

Steps to Stop Being Co-dependant

IStock_0changell My last post talked about what Co-dependence is and how it shows up in people’s lives.  Although it’s great to have insight into what codependence looks like, it’s even more important to be able to stop codependent behaviors. Below are several tips to stop codependency.  Keep in mind that it is often helpful to seek out professional help to assist you on this journey of healing from codependency.

Tips to jumpstart your journey away from codependency:
1.    Control your own behavior and stop trying to control the actions and behaviors of others. Don’t tell others what to do and how to do it or tweak what they’ve done because they didn’t do it as you would do it.
2.    Pay attention to your anxiety and manage your anxiety rather than trying to manage the world.
3.    Get conscious of your critical lens and how that plays out in your life and in the lives of those around you.  Stop the critiques, analyzing and “fixing” of others.
4.    Work on your self-esteem.  Do not look to others to make you feel as though you are okay.  Healthy self-esteem comes from the inside out NOT the outside in.  Things outside yourself such as romantic attention, material things or performance may feel good, make your life easier or be enjoyable but they do NOT make you worthy.  You’re already worthy—even when someone is angry with you, has an affair on you or tells you you’re a terrible person.

Continue reading "Steps to Stop Being Co-dependant" »

July 19, 2011

Part I: What is Co-dependency?

IStock_0caretaking womanll Countless women I see are struggling with issues of codependency and it’s killing their relationships (men can also be codependent).  The tip off for me of codependence is desperation to make a relationship work despite countless signs that it’s not a healthy relationship.  The person may be in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship yet stay for years because they “love” the abuser for example.  This desperation often leads the codependent into twisting themselves into a pretzel to try to make the other person happy and the relationship to work.  Below are several red flags for codependency:

1.    An unhealthy reliance on others to make you happy.
2.    Putting the needs of others above your own needs and wants.
3.    Going out of your way to get someone’s love, acceptance or attention even at your own expense.
4.    A belief that the attention and love of another is what will make you happy.
5.    A strong desire to care-take another despite their constant attempts to push you away or get you to stop.
6.    Frequent attempts to control the other person’s actions, behaviors, choices etc.
7.     Excessive analyzing or preoccupation of another person’s actions, thoughts, deep-seated issues as you see them or feelings.
8.    The grandiose belief that you know what’s best for the other person, what they need and/or what they’re emotionally hiding.

Continue reading "Part I: What is Co-dependency?" »

July 11, 2011

Get Quiet And Listen…To You

IStock_0questionmarkl I’m often struck by how many things I’ve felt so strongly about one moment yet so unsure of the next.  My doubt can take root in response to a differing opinion, a disagreeing eye, a new piece of information, a fearful thought, an anticipated rejection and on and on.  The reality is that it takes a significant strength to be able to stand behind a belief or decision in spite of opposing views.

I believe many people struggle with this vacillation.  I suppose that’s why peer pressure can be so difficult to go against.  The views of the masses become the view of the individual—all too often.  Women and children in particular have this problem.  Historically, women are about connection and children are constantly in a race to fit in.  We want to feel close to others, be accepted by others and be liked by others.  If we dare to step outside the norm in our thoughts, behaviors or even our successes, this acceptance is at risk.  Rather than upsetting others or risking our own acceptance, we go along to get along, rethinking our decisions or questioning our instincts.

Doubting ourselves because someone else thinks differently is not helpful.  It’s one thing to question yourself because you’re not sure you have all the information, you’re in new territory or there are several equally good choices.  Questioning under these circumstances is being wise.  It’s an entirely different thing to doubt yourself because of differing opinions or wanting to be accepted.  Questioning under these circumstances is about self-doubt.  Self-doubt will do nothing but hold you back.  In general, it will stop us women from hitting our stride.  When we allow the views of others to cloud our own, we are doing ourselves a disservice.

Continue reading "Get Quiet And Listen…To You" »

July 06, 2011

A Note to Women: Not Happy With Your Sex Life? 5 Things You Should NOT Do

IStock_00handsall In my work with couples, I often hear the men complain that there’s not enough sex and the women complain that the men always want more.  What’s up?  I just wrote a post for men on this topic for my Straight Talk Blog http://tinyurl.com/5r8d4bd and think it’s equally important to write one for the women as well.  Similar to the men, there are a lot of things women are doing that’s shooting themselves in the foot when it comes to increased physical and emotional intimacy with their husbands/partners.

If you’re not happy with the sexual intimacy in your relationship, below are 5 things NOT to do:
1.    Don’t avoid hugging, kissing or being affectionate. Too many women become cold toward their partners because they’re afraid the men will take every affectionate touch as an invitation to sex.  If you’re not sexual, won’t hug and don’t touch your partner of course you’re not going to feel close.  If your partner turns the slightest touch into a sexual advance, talk to him about this--don’t refuse to touch him.  When he tries to turn a hug into sex be explicit, “I just want to feel close to you without feeling like I need to be sexual. Don’t try to turn it into sex right now.” If he continues to push it, have a more serious conversation about what his pushing is doing to your relationship.
2.    Don’t have sex become a chore to keep him satisfied.  My mentor Terry Real says it best, “The quickest way to kill sexual desire is to become a sex slave.”  Women, it is not your job to “satisfy” your man every time he wants sex.  Have some sense of self worth and stop trying to be sexual in an attempt to stop him from straying.  If you’re that concerned he’ll stray—you have bigger issues.  Have sex because you want to feel closer, have fun and enjoy each other.  Don’t have sex out of fear, duty or obligation—that will squash intimacy fast.
3.    Don’t cringe from their poor treatment one minute and make love the next. If you’re partner’s treating you poorly, why are you being sexual with them?  We teach people how to treat us everyday.  If you’re partner is being harsh with you all day or barely speaks to you for weeks other than wanting sex, then sex is the last thing you should be having.  Stand up for yourself consistently and let them know what you need to feel closer.

Continue reading "A Note to Women: Not Happy With Your Sex Life? 5 Things You Should NOT Do" »

July 03, 2011

Happy 4th of July! Creating a Great Memory

IStock_0fireworksmall Most of us love a fun celebration especially when there are good friends, good food and fun times.  This July 4th, remember to keep it fun and be moderate and smart with your celebration.

Things to remember:
1.    Drink responsibly.  There’s nothing like alcohol to throw things into a tail-spin.  Don’t over due a good thing or you risk things going bad fast.  Don’t drink and drive, be moderate with the amount you drink and don’t go out planning to get wasted.
2.    Keep things light.  Celebrations are not the time to have a serious conversation or to talk about serious upsets. Give yourself the day/night to relax, enjoy and have fun. You can always talk about serious issues the next day.
3.    Avoid working.  Be with your family and friends fully. Don’t constantly look at your phone, read your e-mails or check out your computer.  Give yourself and your family a green light to just enjoy—guilt free.
4.    Be positive.  Refuse to make fun of other people or talk about those distant cousins, strange neighbors or messed up friends.  Too many family fights occur after a mean-spirited statement or gossip.  Take the high road and enjoy them--don’t judge them.
5.    Create a positive memory.  Families are so often so busy that they have few opportunities to spend down time together.  Take the holiday weekend to make the time.  Give your children the gift of your time and attention.  Run, play and laugh with them.  Let this holiday be a great memory for them…and you. You and your family deserve it.

The 4th of July is a great time for family barbeques, parties, and gatherings.  Make this year’s celebration be one full of fun not drama.  Keep things light; laugh and enjoy one another and the holiday.

Challenge: Have fun this 4th of July, be safe and create a great memory!

June 27, 2011

8 THINGS I TRY TO LIVE BY (inspired by Andrea Lee)

IStock_0eyesall Once I read an article by Andrea Lee about 8 things she tries to live by.  It got me thinking about what my 8 things were.  Here’s what I came up with.  I challenge you to do the same…and please do share.
1.    Practice what I preach:  If I teach it, I better live it.  Although I’m human and will continue to have my slips and imperfect moments, by and large, I do my best to follow my own advice when it comes to relationships.
2.    Do no harm: It’s important to me that I do no harm to others and do not allow others to harm to me.  If I’m angry, I do my best to speak that anger from a centered, grounded place and respect the humanity of the person I’m speaking to.  I hold others to that same expectation.
3.    Be authentic: It’s important to me that people trust that I will give them honest feedback if they ask.  I believe feedback is a gift when we are courageous enough to give it and receive it.  I hold those in my inner circle accountable for giving me authentic feedback as well.  Telling me what I want to hear is not helpful to me.  Telling me what I need to hear—that’s helpful (even if it’s tough to hear it).
4.    Laugh: I love a good sense of humor and try to incorporate that into my everyday life.  I have no problem laughing at myself and enjoy being around people who can do the same (please laugh with me, however, not at me  ). I’d rather laugh than cry and love to be around people who can lighten things up without hurting others in the process.

Continue reading "8 THINGS I TRY TO LIVE BY (inspired by Andrea Lee)" »

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