9 posts categorized "Self Esteem"

October 18, 2011

Strengthening Your Core And Transforming Your Relationships: A Tele-class For Women

I'm excited to announce that in response to many requests from past participants, I will again be offering the 6 week tele-class for women on transforming their relationships, Strengthening Your Core.”

 

Throughout the years I've worked with hundreds of women who were less than satisfied in their relationships. Most of these women knew they wanted more yet felt clueless about how to change it. After working with so many women who wanted to create stronger relationships, I decided to get a group of women together to work on strengthening their core. 

  

This class is for all women, single, married, divorced, separated or dating, who would like to transform their lives by transforming their relationships.  It's for those women who:

  

  • Want to make a good relationship better
  • Want to do all they can to fix a broken relationship without selling their souls in the process
  • Want to learn to step in and effectively use their voice, make requests when they want to and set limits when they have to
  • Want to learn to step in with a new kind of strength that is grounded, calm and powerful

This class is for any woman who would like to enhance her relationships everywhere in her life: at work, with children, in friendships and/or in romantic relationships.

  

Read what one past participant had to say about her experience in the tele-class:

  

Dear Lisa,

 

"Two years ago I was struggling in my marriage with a husband who had stopped drinking 2 years earlier but had never addressed the causes behind his addiction. My health had once again begun to suffer from the stress of living—and enabling—a dry drunk. I chose to move out of our home and we began counseling. After 6 months, without any sign of change, I told my husband I wanted to divorce.

 

Over the next eight months we used a mediator and our divorce was finalized a week before your class began. 

 

I am so glad I signed up. 

 

With the help of your program, the self-doubt, anxious second guessing and over all guilt I felt from leaving my marriage began to lift as you reinforced the basic, fundamental requirements of having someone in your inner circle. With that came the realization of how much I had enabled my husband to treat me poorly, all in the hope that things would improve.

 

Today, even as I still struggle through the aftermath of a failed marriage, I am at peace with my decision because of the clear insight I gained through your class. That everyone—me included—deserves a relationship built on trust, kindness, respect, companionship and love.

 

Thank you for the clarity. Thank you for the clear description of what a real, loving relationship looks like. Your class offered an open forum, almost a support group, of women who were caring, frank, and honest about their own struggles. I have grown from the experience.”

 

Sincerely - Janet

 

I welcome all women interested in transforming their lives by transforming their relationsips to join this class.  I look forward to taking this journey with you and starting a ripple effect of change across the world, one relationship at a time. 

All calls will be recorded although your presence on the call will make for a richer experience.  Any woman who would like to learn the skills necessary to build relationships that fuel them are welcome to join the tele-class. 

For more information click on this link: Transforming Your Relationships

I hope to "see" you on the call.

Warm regards-Lisa

September 27, 2011

“You Complete Me”: A Set Up in Relationships

IStock_0cryingwomanall Time and again I work with women who are turning to men to complete them, validate them, protect them and somehow give them a sense of self-worth. 

Turning to men to do any of the above is a losing move:
•    Wanting men to complete you insinuates that you are in some way not whole now—that’s crazy.  If you struggle with feeling complete, by yourself, then work this issue.  Get into therapy and look at why you play so small in your life an in your mind.
•    Turning to men to protect you is a fascinating irony considering, a majority of our world’s violence is committed by men.  One man may be your protector, yet, he cannot be with you 24/7; you are still at risk of another man harming you.  Learn to protect yourself.
•    Looking to men to prove that you are worthy never works.  The problem with this game plan is if you believe a man proves you’re worthy, then you are only worthy as long as you have a man.  What happens when the relationship ends, either by your choice or his? Now all of a sudden his absence means you’re unworthy?  There is no logic in this kind of thinking.  Your worth is not tied to anyone or anything—it is a given.  You are worthy because you are.  No one can take that away from you.  A life is a life and every life has equal worth to another life. Know this.   
•    Finally, weighing the legitimacy of your ideas on the validation of men invalidates yourself.  Validate your own ideas.  Listen to your own instincts.  Trust yourself as much, if not more, than others—including men.

Too many women are sleeping with men before they want to, desperately clinging to men who aren’t interested, crying over men who don’t treat them well and settling for men who are harmful.  If you are a woman who can relate to this post, know that as long as you “need” a man, you are not ready to be in a relationship with a man.  A man can add to your life, help you enjoy your life and be a part of your life.  He cannot complete your life.  He can be your lover, your friend and your companion.  He can love you. laugh with you, connect with you, support you, grow with you, enjoy you and be with you.  He cannot validate you or make you worthy.  Know the difference. 

Learn to listen to your own instincts, validate your own thoughts and tell yourself you are worthy.  Anything short of this will lead you desperate and turning to the wrong men (and people) in your life.  You are your greatest asset.  Take care of yourself and the rest will fall into place.

Challenge: Take an honest look at yourself and your relationship to men and other people.  Do you turn to others to validate you or give you a sense of worth?  What would things be like if you stopped turning outward for these things and instead turned inward? Turn to yourself for validation and protection and see what change this incurs in your life. You are worth it.

July 19, 2011

Part I: What is Co-dependency?

IStock_0caretaking womanll Countless women I see are struggling with issues of codependency and it’s killing their relationships (men can also be codependent).  The tip off for me of codependence is desperation to make a relationship work despite countless signs that it’s not a healthy relationship.  The person may be in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship yet stay for years because they “love” the abuser for example.  This desperation often leads the codependent into twisting themselves into a pretzel to try to make the other person happy and the relationship to work.  Below are several red flags for codependency:

1.    An unhealthy reliance on others to make you happy.
2.    Putting the needs of others above your own needs and wants.
3.    Going out of your way to get someone’s love, acceptance or attention even at your own expense.
4.    A belief that the attention and love of another is what will make you happy.
5.    A strong desire to care-take another despite their constant attempts to push you away or get you to stop.
6.    Frequent attempts to control the other person’s actions, behaviors, choices etc.
7.     Excessive analyzing or preoccupation of another person’s actions, thoughts, deep-seated issues as you see them or feelings.
8.    The grandiose belief that you know what’s best for the other person, what they need and/or what they’re emotionally hiding.

Continue reading "Part I: What is Co-dependency?" »

July 11, 2011

Get Quiet And Listen…To You

IStock_0questionmarkl I’m often struck by how many things I’ve felt so strongly about one moment yet so unsure of the next.  My doubt can take root in response to a differing opinion, a disagreeing eye, a new piece of information, a fearful thought, an anticipated rejection and on and on.  The reality is that it takes a significant strength to be able to stand behind a belief or decision in spite of opposing views.

I believe many people struggle with this vacillation.  I suppose that’s why peer pressure can be so difficult to go against.  The views of the masses become the view of the individual—all too often.  Women and children in particular have this problem.  Historically, women are about connection and children are constantly in a race to fit in.  We want to feel close to others, be accepted by others and be liked by others.  If we dare to step outside the norm in our thoughts, behaviors or even our successes, this acceptance is at risk.  Rather than upsetting others or risking our own acceptance, we go along to get along, rethinking our decisions or questioning our instincts.

Doubting ourselves because someone else thinks differently is not helpful.  It’s one thing to question yourself because you’re not sure you have all the information, you’re in new territory or there are several equally good choices.  Questioning under these circumstances is being wise.  It’s an entirely different thing to doubt yourself because of differing opinions or wanting to be accepted.  Questioning under these circumstances is about self-doubt.  Self-doubt will do nothing but hold you back.  In general, it will stop us women from hitting our stride.  When we allow the views of others to cloud our own, we are doing ourselves a disservice.

Continue reading "Get Quiet And Listen…To You" »

May 23, 2011

Women: Get Comfortable With Who You Are

IStock_0grounded womanll(2) From a young age, girls turn themselves into pretzels for the attention of boys.  Typically this starts in the middle school years and continues, for many females, for the rest of their lives.  Watching females lose themselves, in search of male attention, is extremely difficult to watch.
 
Too many women act as though they need a man in order to feel okay about themselves.  Too many women are so afraid of being alone that they take whatever they can get from a man—even if that means sharing the man with other women.  In my work with women, I see this play out endlessly.  Newly divorced women especially struggle with wanting to prove they are still attractive.  Many women are so desperate to not be by themselves that they will sell their souls to avoid being by themselves.  Few have any idea what a toll this takes on their lives.

In my experience, the more desperate the woman is to not be alone, the more likely she is to end up alone—or to wish she were alone because of whom she ends up with.  The best way to have a rewarding, fulfilling life is not to desperately look for a man to complete you.  The quickest road to fulfillment is to work your butt off until YOU complete you.  Only when women are comfortable in their own skin, like who they are and are confident that they will be okay on their own, will they be able to be in a healthy relationship. 

Steps to get you there:
1.    Put dating on hold until you work your personal issues.
2.    Face the feelings of loneliness that come up for you when you don’t have a partner to share your life with.  Don’t panic, just sit and listen to what that fear is telling you.
3.    Address the fear directly by asking yourself if it’s true.  If it is true, look at the worst-case scenario and ask yourself if you would be able to survive it.  Often our fears are highly exaggerated.  Stop running on fear and, instead, slow down and listen to what your fear has to teach you.
4.    Look at the role your father played in your life.  Often women who are desperate for a man in their life, never emotionally had the attention of the most important man in their lives when they were young—their father.  An absent dad leaves a lonely imprint on the heart of a little girl.  Women need to work this through in therapy or they will never fill up that need to be loved no matter how many men are in their life.
5.    Take the time to get to know you.  What do you like to do?  How do you enjoy spending your free time?  Become your own best friend and get comfortable with spending time alone doing what you want to do.  If you don’t know what you like—explore.  Read books, go to museums, start a journal, take yourself out to lunch, sit at a park.  Slow down, pay attention and learn about you.

I cannot stress enough the importance of women needing to be able to be comfortable with who they are (with people and alone) prior to being able to share themselves with someone else in any healthy way.  Do the work on yourself now and save yourself years of hell in the future.  You deserve it.

Challenge: If you are desperate to find a man, give yourself the gift of slowing down and focusing on yourself instead of on men.  Refuse to settle for less than you deserve.  Sit back and be determined to act as your own best friend.  Do not let your desperation lead you to act as your own worst enemy.  It is not worth it.

March 24, 2011

Learning That We Are Worthy: A Powerful Poem of Growth For Women

IStock_0arms strechedll
 A client handed me this poem and I had to share it with all of you.  I think the message is beautifully written. I hope you enjoy it and soak in it's message to your very core. Thank you to my client for bringing me this wonderful poem to share.

"Comes The Dawn"

Veronica Shorffstall

After a while you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

And company doesn't mean seurity,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts

And presents aren't promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

And learn to build all your roads

On today because tomorrow's ground

Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have a

Way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine

Burns if you get too much.

So you plant your garden and decorate

Your own soul, instead of waiting

For someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...

That you really are strong

And you really do have worth

And you learn and learn...

With every good-bye you learn.

We, as women do not need others to make us feel okay--we are okay.  We are worthy.  We have value.  We have more strength than we know. When we step into this strength we can make amazing things happen.

Challenge: Read this poem daily as a reminder of your worth, resilience and internal fortitude. Don't look for strength from others. Rely on the strength you already have within you.

February 02, 2011

Are You One-Up? How Grandiosity Shows Up in Our Lives and What it Costs Us

IStock_00contemptll Many of us struggle with healthy self-esteem, however not many realize that grandiosity -- or thinking that you’re better than others -- is actually unhealthy self-esteem.  Many people think that if someone is full of himself or herself that they have an overabundance of self-esteem.  This thinking could not be further from the truth.

Someone who practices healthy self-esteem is very grounded in the premise that they have inherent worth.  They’re also very grounded in the belief that their worth is neither better than the worth of others nor less than the worth of others.  We are all equal -- no-one more so, no-one less so.  People who act as if they are better than others struggle with self-esteem to the same degree as people who think they’re less than others.  It just shows up differently. 

When we take a one-up position with someone, we feel toxic to be around.  This is true for bosses, parents, men and women.  The reason we feel so toxic to be around is because we are.  Grandiosity is about looking down our noses at others or feeling entitled to do what we want despite the impact of our behavior on others.  The core energy in grandiosity is contempt.  Trust me -- being on the other side of someone’s contempt is not a fun place to be.

Almost every human being slips into a one-up or grandiose position at times in life; this is just our humanity.  In fact, I was acting very one-up with an operator after waiting over two hours for AAA to come start my car.  Even though they were off in how they handled everything, it did not give me the right to talk to the person the way I did.  I was one-up and I knew it.  And yes, I’m sure it was not fun to be on the other side of me -- it never is when someone is being grandiose.  I’m sure some of you can relate to the frustrations of talking to a customer service person who is doing anything but providing you with good customer service.  If you’ve ever lost it on one of these calls, then know you went one up and were likely toxic to be in a conversation with.  You were toxic even if they were wrong.

Continue reading "Are You One-Up? How Grandiosity Shows Up in Our Lives and What it Costs Us" »

November 11, 2010

Are You Strong Out In The World Yet Entirely Different In Your Romantic Relatioships?

IStock_0strong businesswomanl
I’ve met countless amazing women throughout the years who have been wise thinkers, powerful forces in their careers and wonderful supports for the many people in their lives.  They have exemplified strength, courage and tenacity in their day to day living with most people in their lives.  These very same women, however, have showed up entirely differently in their romantic relationships. 

When it comes to their romantic relationships it’s as though all of their strength goes out the window.  Many of them struggle with setting limits, asking for what they want and doing what is necessary to be treated well by heir partner.  Many, settle for whatever crumbs their partners throw at them. 

These women are as astonished by the discrepancy between who they are in the world vs. who they are romantically as the people around them.  It’s as though they are two different people.  Friends don’t understand it, the women are pained by it and the children are confused by it.

Continue reading "Are You Strong Out In The World Yet Entirely Different In Your Romantic Relatioships?" »

November 01, 2010

The Importance Of Self-Worth

I was just sent this video and truly believe every woman should listen to it.  The focus is on feeling worthy.

Treat yourself and take the twenty minutes to watch this video.

Warm regards-Lisa

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9cGRub0&feature=email

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