COMMUNICATION IN RELATIONSHIPS: If you want your partner to share with you, you must be a soft landing.

I often hear women complain about their partner’s lack of emotional connection, reluctance to share, or frequent withdrawal at home. They are often so angry about this that they can barely contain themselves. When I ask how they handle this, they often spit out a list of behaviors that include yelling, screaming, crying, pleading, complaining, demanding, and at some point giving up. If I ask the famous Dr. Phil question, “So how’s that working’ for ya?” they often reply that it’s not.

A long time ago I handled this issue much differently than I do today. You see, before, I would assume that the man was totally off base and needed some help learning how to connect. What I’ve since realized however, is that while this can be the case in some situations, it is not the case nearly as often as I thought.

Many men would love to speak to their wives—if they were safe to speak to.

I have worked with many women, in my office and on the phone, who have been so toxic in their response to their partner’s attempts at sharing that they have in many ways shut him down. When I bring this up, the women are livid at me. They let me know, in no uncertain terms, that I obviously am not getting the entire picture; if I did, then I would realize that their toxicity is justified and totally because of his lack of connection.

I then watch her step all over him as he attempts to share what he’s feeling. He says he’s nervous about finances and she says he’s not nervous he’s just using that as an excuse to control her. He says he feels hopeless because every time he tries to help out with the kids she steps in and takes over because she doesn’t like how he’s doing it. She spits back, “Well, if you did it right in the first place I wouldn’t have to step in, would I?”

This goes on every day. He shares, she discounts. He tells her what he’s feeling, she tells him that’s not really what he’s feeling. Eventually he stops sharing and she complains that he never talks to her about anything that’s going on with him.

If we want our partners to share themselves with us then we must be a soft landing for them to share. A soft landing means we must be willing to hear what they say even if we don’t like it or agree with it; we have to listen with an open heart. It’s important that we listen with the humility that perhaps we don’t know what they’re thinking/feeling better than they do.

If there are nine-inch nails on an airport runway, why would the pilot want to land on that runway? Similarly, if we are not safe for our partners to speak to, then why would they speak to us? We cannot annihilate our partners when we don’t like what they’re saying and then complain that they don’t speak.

Challenge: If you find yourself complaining to your partner that s/he doesn’t share, first look to see if you are providing a soft landing for him/her. If not, work on this.
(Note: This can also occur in the reverse; men not being a soft landing for women).

Comments

[Jacobus]

This is totally late to the party, but it's the first I've run across the site.
This description of an emotionally toxic wife could have been of my ex. For 24 years I could do no right, and could count on 3 to 5-hour rage sessions an average of once a week. Anything could set her off, usually some minor difference of opinion; to her, everything in the universe was either right/wrong, black/white, from God (as held by her) or from the Devil (whatever I thought). Zero tolerance for breathing - if I were 15 minutes behind the minimum she thought necessary for me to drive home, she flew into a storm of invective about how I didn't care about my family (Being ADD, I was rarely so perfectly organized as to accomplish what she demanded exactly as required). Near the end, when I shared this with someone familiar with disorders, she immediately responded "Bipolar... typical bipolar reaction." Descriptions seem to agree.
I dreaded coming home. Whatever I might say (or do) was like the pre-Miranda warning, "Anything you say can and will be used against you.." I wanted to have free and warm communication, but there was no such thing. 90+% of the time, what she had to say to me was negative - hateful, sarcastic comments at every opportunity. So trying to talk with her was like trying to dance with a rabid porcupine. After one of her 5-hour blasts, sometimes she would stop and say something like, "Okay, your turn." But at that point I was like one in shock; my mind was a blank white paper, numb and nonfunctioning.
I'm still getting over that I guess, three years after the divorce. By that time I was living in another state; as soon as my youngest son was 18, he and his brother came out to live with me. They tend to go slow on dating and so do I. But a year after the divorce, I met a more positive lady and we spent the next year in a mutually supportive, positive romantic relationship. When we realized we weren't going to work long-term as a couple, we backed off - but she is still a dear friend I love to talk with.
We were good for each other and still are. We both now know there are caring people out there who do not live to despise their partner for their own reasons, but who seek to share themselves and their interests with a view toward lovingly uplifting the other one. Did we have differences? Sure. Were there tense moments and upset feelings sometimes? Yep. But we discussed things, got past them and got better. So we know this is not just theoretically possible, we can know in our hearts that this IS the new reality. We will not settle for less again.
There is life after toxicity. After divorce. After painfully breaking up because it's best and you want the other to be happy with someone more compatible with their lifestyle and preferences.
It can be better. It WILL be better.

Dear Jacobus: I'm happy to hear you found that a more loving relationship is possible. Thanks for sharing as I'm sure there are many other readers who can relate. On a side note: another possible diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder.
Take care-Lisa