CORNERSTONE 10: Deal with issues directly and in a timely fashion. Allowing issues to fester destroys relationships.

If you cannot let go of an issue without resentment, then speak directly about it. Each unspoken grudge piggy-backs on previous ones, until they build up to a point where few relationships can survive without a lot of work and/or outside help.

Couples often let too many things go unspoken. Either one or both partners wants to avoid conflict and instead of dealing with issues directly he/she holds it in, lets it role off his/her back or just ignores an issue altogether…only to be haunted by it later.

When we don’t speak to the things that upset us, that doesn’t mean the issues are gone. It just means we chose not to speak to it. As a result the issues go underground. After enough issues build up underground, a toxic root takes shape that threatens the very relationship we hoped to save by not speaking. This toxic root is filled with resentment, anger, and despair. The more “avoided conflicts”, the more toxic the root. Not surprisingly, the more toxic the root, the more damaging it is to the relationship.

If you want to have a strong relationship the trick is not to avoid conflicts but rather handle them directly as they come up. Address them authentically, respectfully and from a place of integrity. Often difficult conversations handled well lead to a closeness that can be surprising…and healing.

Challenge: If you try to avoid conflict as much as possible, pay close attention to what this is costing you. Is it making you any happier in your relationship? If not, then try a more authentic approach. Speak to the issues that bother you. Be respectful, straightforward, and concrete. Ask for what you would like and if your partner gives it to you—be thankful.

Comments

[ML]

You hit upon the real heart of the matter in this one succinet sentence: "After enough issues build up underground, a toxic root takes shape that threatens the very relationship we hoped to save by not speaking." Remembering this sentence will help give me the courage to actually speak up.