In Order To Create A Healthy Relationship, You Must Be Willing To Lose An Unhealthy One

Many people, men and women alike, are afraid to truly stand up for what they want in a relationship. They will say they don’t like what they’re getting, they may even say they don’t know if they can take it anymore, yet often they stop short of saying, “This has got to change or I’m leaving this relationship.” They don’t want to “bottom-line” it.

Bottom-lining it is not necessary for many minor issues; however, for major couple’s issues that have not changed over time, it’s often vital. Many people get caught up in the idea that bottom-lining something is like giving an ultimatum and ultimatums are not okay. I view ultimatums as honest assessments of what a person will and will not live with; they are a healthy form of self - and relationship care.

Healthy ultimatums include:
• “If you continue in this affair, then I will file for divorce.”
• “If you continue to abuse substances and refuse to get into a treatment program, then I want to separate.”
• “If you continue to rage and be abusive, I will no longer stay in this relationship.”

If you’ve asked your partner to end an affair, etc., and s/he does, there’s no need to bottom-line it. If, however, your partner refuses, it’s time to bottom-line it.

A key obstacle for people taking this final step, however, is fear. Men and women do not want to risk losing the relationship. They worry that if they give this ultimatum, their partner will actually take them up on it and say--“GO!” So rather than risk this, they complain, yell, scream, sulk, and do anything else they can possibly think of…except bottom-line it. They opt instead to stay in a miserable relationship that is unhealthy and painful. They choose to sacrifice their souls and twist themselves in a knot to avoid the possible loss of the relationship.

Although I understand this intense fear, and even get how difficult it is to bottom-line it with someone you may have been with for years, I also know that accepting hurtful behavior seldom is helpful to anyone.

Whether you see it as an ultimatum or a bottom-line is irrelevant. Get over the guilt, fear, and crazy notion that it’s not “right” to give an ultimatum and stand up for yourself; ask for what you deserve.

Challenge: Is there something you’ve been putting up with that you know you shouldn’t be? Is this zapping your energy and chipping away at your sense of self? If so, stop putting up with it and state your needs--even if that means bottom-lining it.

Comments

[Tia]

I like the article because it gives a different word for ultimatum - bottomline. It is exactly what i am going through after seven years. Thanks for your article. It has calmed my very upset nerves over ending this long term relationship.

[Roo]

I like your article alot because that's what I use to think about ultimatums.