IS FEAR IMPACTING YOUR RELATIONSHIP? IF SO, ARE YOU READY TO TAKE BACK THE CONTROLS?

I work with couples and individuals everyday and have found that one of the most common blocks to change is fear. I would venture to say this is probably true regarding change in general, however with relationships it can be downright paralyzing.

A common cause of fear in many relationships is rage, intensity, or volatility. I watch men and women with very volatile wives and husbands walk on egg shells to avoid a possible outburst. I hear about, and watch in my office, people shut down in response to their partner’s intensity. If they’ve been brave enough to discuss the rage/volatility, they soon weaken their statement or withdraw it all together, not because they got it wrong but because they are too scared to speak it. They know that not speaking it and backing down teaches their partner that bullying works, however they are simply too scared to directly take them on. Taking them on would mean standing up for themselves, setting limits, and following through with consequences i.e. Calling the police, refusing to go someplace with their partner when s/he is being hurtful or intense, and so on.

When anger/intensity or rage isn’t the culprit causing fear, it’s often the threat of losing a partner that causes fear. Affairs, for example, are a great fear inducer. Even though the person who had the affair should be the one on the hot seat so to speak, I often find that the person jumping through all the hoops is the one who was cheated on! Why…Because of fear. They are worried that if they don’t jump through hoops, their partner will have another affair, return to the affair they already had, or will just plain leave them.

In addition to affairs, an unresponsive, stubborn, or emotionally distant partner can also induce the fear of losing a partner. Many women come into my office complaining about how emotionally distant, irresponsible, and/or selfish their partner is and they’re at a loss as to what to do. When I tell them they have to learn to set limits and take responsibility for creating a respectful, fulfilling relationship, they complain that their partner would leave if they did that. My response: “If that’s true, then it’s the best thing for you.”

When someone is fearful that their partner will leave them, this fear quickly turns into the fear of being alone, not finding someone else, finding someone else who’s the same or worse than who they have now, and on and on. All of these fears paralyze the person and keeps them stuck.

Rather than facing these fears and doing it anyway, the person often sacrifices their own well-being and right to a healthy fulfilling relationship, for the chance to have a body next to them—no bells, no whistles—just a body.

Have you ever wondered what you would do if you weren’t worried that your partner was going to leave you, have an affair, or create an even bigger scene if you stood up to him or her? How would you act differently? What if for one day, week, or month, you just tried it. What if you took a chance and set a limit when necessary, made a request when you wanted something to change, and started acting like you deserve to be treated well and to be in a cherishing, enriching relationship? What would that entail?

I understand the power of fear; books have been written about it, I’ve lived it, I watch it at work everyday, and I know that if we allow it, fear will run our lives. My question to you is: is fear running yours?

Challenge: If fear has been a factor in your relationship take a closer look at it. If you’ve allowed your fear to keep you stuck, what has the cost of this decision been to you, your partner, and your children (if you have any)? What move have you been putting off due to fear? Contract with yourself to make this move; if you have to do it in baby-steps, that’s fine—as long as you take steps.

Comments

[Amy]

This is a great article. It took me 5 years to realize what was paralyzing me was fear. Then I made the choice, that I could live in fear of making him run, or I could stand up for myself and have a good life. Amazingly, we had a rough patch, but my husband adjusted to the new 'fearless' me and actually likes me better this way - he says I'm happier. So those out there, living in fear, take the steps needed to get out from under it. It is a wonderful feeling once you do.

[jane]

thank you!!!

[Chris]

Wow, great article. I think it can be helpful to find a theme song, music that I find energizing, and exercise also helps to eliminate fear.

On this topic, for the "powerless" person in a relationship, I really like the quote: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt, 'This Is My Story,' 1937

For the "powerful" person, I like: "The purpose of getting power is to be able to give it away."
-- Aneurin Bevan