GREAT RELATIONSHIPS REQUIRE GREAT LISTENING…BUT HOW DO YOU DO THAT WHEN YOUR PARTNER’S COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU?

Here are some helpful tips to keep you on track when your partner is upset about something you did and wants you to listen:
• Listen to understand where your partner is coming from. Your job is to put yourself in your partner’s shoes for a moment and get a clear picture of what is going on for her/him. You do not have to agree with what s/he is saying; you simply have to understand it.
• The only thing in your head while you are listening should be your partner’s words—not your rebuttals (i.e., “That didn’t happen Wednesday, it happened Thursday”; “Is she crazy?”; “I didn’t say no, I said I doubted it.”)
• If you find yourself getting triggered and/or reactive, close your mouth, take a slow deep breath to regroup, and get centered. Do not speak until you are in a calm, centered place and you’re sure you can speak relationally.
• Do NOT interrupt, defend, explain, minimize, or turn the issue around on your partner. These behaviors are likely to get you into an argument and will leave your partner frustrated, to say the least.

• Once you have quietly and respectfully listened to your partner, do your best to repair. Repairing requires three steps:
o First own what you can own about the problem. Acknowledge your part.
o Second, apologize for any nonrelational behaviors. Yes, this means verbally. Out loud say, “I’m sorry.”
o Third, take action to fix things. If your partner asks for an apology—give it. If you broke something--fix it. If you were rude--apologize and promise to work on that behavior.
 Bottom line: if you’re in the wrong, it’s your job to cop to it and then fix it.

Listening requires that we care enough to put our needs aside for a moment to hear the needs of our partner. Listen like you would want your partner to listen to you. When you’re able to do that, pat yourself on the back and give yourself credit for behaving in a healthy, relational way.

Challenge: Focus on the skill of listening for the next couple weeks. Notice where you get stuck and work those areas. When you listen well, note how your partner responds.