RELATIONSHIP TERMINATIONS: IS IT TIME TO LISTEN TO YOUR PARTNER OR WILL IT BE TOO LATE?

I recently saw a couple who were on the brink of divorce. In fact, it was pretty clear that he was three quarters out the door. He was adamant that if some key things didn’t change in an instant, he was out.

She wasn’t buying his complaints all that much and thought he exaggerated. As we went through the session, what he was complaining about was very evident.

After hearing both sides, I began to work with the wife. I was clear that what her husband was saying about her was in fact true. She could be cold, demanding, and verbally abusive. I went on to discuss the impact of this on their children, their marriage, and her life. I stressed that if she chose to continue doing what she was doing, her marriage would be over (according to her husband) and her children were likely to continue to be cold and aloof toward her. The future, I predicted, would be fairly lonely.

She got it. She listened to what her husband, I, and her children had said to her, and she took a deep breath and took in the information that so many people in her life had attempted to tell her before now. Fortunately for her and her family, she understood.

Soon after this session she began to make many changes and her husband asked why she was able to hear the feedback from me but not him. I laughed and said that seldom do partners listen to one another’s criticisms--they’re too busy looking at the other person to look at themselves.

Although we chuckled about this, the truth is that many marriages end in divorce because individuals don’t listen to their partner’s complaints. A week after this session, I had another couple come in my office only this time one of the partner's said it was too late. She had been telling her husband for years to change and he never did. The fact that he was willing to change now, was too little, too late, as far as she was concerned.

Seldom will a person, all of a sudden, leave his/her partner. Most often, s/he has tried everything just to try to get his/her partner to listen and change particular behaviors. These attempts can include: complaining, begging, pleading, yelling, swearing, going silent, walling off, placating, and on and on. These are often done to no avail.

At some point the attempts stop, and one partner finally walks.

If your partner has been complaining for quite a while about your behavior in the relationship and you keep denying it or pushing responsibility back onto him/her, know that you are taking a big gamble.

These warnings and criticisms can be seen as a ticking time bomb--you never know when it’s going to blow and be too late. It’s best to cut the wires as soon as you hear about them and do your part to create a healthier, more relational home.

CHALLENGE: If your partner has been complaining for years about your relationship, it’s time to stop and listen. If you want the relationship, stop denying the complaint and try fixing them …and hope it’s not too late.

Comments

[julie]

I enjoy reading your blog entries- keep up the great work!

[jj]

thanks lisa. :)

[jj]

my bf's been complaining about me every weekend we meet up. 1) i don't know how to encourage him very well 2) i don't know how to lift him up when he's feeling down 3) this week, it's "i'm stubborn" and he can't change my mind once i have it made up. what do i do? change myself? what if he's being unreasonable and demanding me to be uh...perfect?

Lisa's Reply: The first thing you want to do is stop and listen to what he's saying. Is there ANY truth to what he's telling you? If you're not sure, ask a trusted friend or take a moment to think if anyone has ever given you similar feedback (perhaps that you're not very affectionate, or your not too warm etc.). If you've heard this same feedback in another relationship in your life than like it or not, it's probably true.

That said, if you take an honest look at the information, you've tried to be more encouraging and open, your friends say they don't see this issue in you, and you're pretty sure that you're supportive and flexible/open-minded, then...perhaps your boyfriend's expectations are too high. In my experience, it's often that there's truth on both sides; he may be too critical and you may be unsupportive and stubborn. Lok at yourself first and change your part. After you've worked your side, hole him accountable for working his.