CHILDREN AS OUR TEACHERS: CHOOSING HAPPINESS OVER SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS

A very wise client sent me the following clip a while ago (thank you):

Boston Globe columnist Linda Weltner tells a story about being at a playground, watching children at play.  Two children got into an argument over a toy, had nasty words, separated and then came together moments later to continue playing.  Ms. Weltner asked a mother sharing the bench, “How do children manage to be so angry with each other one minute, and then the best of friends the next?”  The mother said, “It’s easy.  They chose happiness over righteousness.”

Children not only know how to forgive, they also know that enjoying times with their friends is a top priority.  The longer they waste fighting, the less time they have for fun…and they are all about having fun.  Seems like a pretty simple equation to me.

Why then do adults have such a hard time forgiving and moving on?  It seems that as adults, we want to make sure our partner knows s/he was wrong, that we were right, and then we want our partner’s to wallow in the mistake. If that mistake at all hurt us, we want our partner’s to feel that same pain.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned through all my years of working with couples and individuals, it’s that no one’s above anything. Every single one of us is capable of doing anything. I’ve seen ministers, fathers, mothers, teachers, doctors, lawyers, the kindest men, the most loving women…all do hurtful things to themselves and to people they love.

Righteousness is contemptuous and pompous. When you feel yourself looking down your nose at someone because of something they’ve done, know that you are off.  Being relational is having the humility of knowing that you too, during a moment of weakness, could also make a big mistake. 

If your partner has made sincere attempts at repair, is no longer doing the hurtful behavior, and has not repeatedly made the same mistakes, then do not get self-righteous with him/her, instead be angry, sad, hurt, etc., and see if you can or want to forgive, and try to move past it.  If you choose not to work things out, that is okay as long as you make that choice from a healthy, centered place versus a better than, arrogant place. 

CHALLENGE:  For the smaller hurts in life…take your lesson from the children:  Choose happiness over righteousness. For the bigger hurts in life, if you can’t quite bring yourself to happiness… at least, stay away from righteousness.

Comments

[Chris]

This is the best blog on the Internet!! :) :)

[TJ]

I agree I think the person meant something different. Last time I checked this is a character trait we want in someone

Righteousness
1 (of a person or conduct) morally right or justifiable; virtuous : he is a good, righteous man, I am sure

LISA'S REPLY: You and Beth (previous comment) are correct, I meant self-righteousness. I have changed the title and thank you for keeping me on my toes!:-)

[Beth]

You mean SELF-righteousness. Righteousness means being humble before God and your fellow humans. Self-righteousness means being arrogant before God and your fellow humans.

[ML]

This is one of those aha moments, when reading just these few lines can make a life conundrum crystal clear.