WOULD YOU JUST LISTEN?! GOOD LISTENING IS AN AMAZING APHRODISIAC FOR MANY WOMEN

 

I’m constantly hearing from women that their partners just don’t listen:

• “I’m telling him about something that happened at work and instead of listening he tries to problem solve with me.”
• “I tell him I don’t like the way he’s speaking to me and he says I’m too sensitive.”
• “I ask him to pick up something from the store and he comes home without it saying I never told him.”
• “I tell him I’m feeling lonely in this relationship and would like us to talk more and he says he can never do anything right, all I ever do is complain.”

 

The examples are countless of men not listening and women getting frustrated with repeatedly trying to get through to them.  The men say the women are always complaining and the women say the men never listen.  The result:  women keep talking and men continue to not listen.

 

If it goes on too long the women decide to leave and the men are shocked; they had no idea the women were so unhappy they would think of leaving. The women are adamant that they had been telling the men they were unhappy for years but the men repeatedly discounted what they said…they wouldn’t listen. 

 

The divorce rate today is fifty percent; seventy-five percent of those are initiated by women.  If men don’t start listening…I mean REALLY listening, the odds are high that they will become a statistic. 

 

When men begin to truly listen to their partners, their partners settle down, warm up, and become more positive and affirming.  Listening is one of the best aphrodisiacs I know of for women.  Women who feel listened to--feel loved.  When they feel loved, they want to share that love with their partners emotionally and physically.  It’s a win-win for both.

 

If you’re telling your partner she’s too sensitive, getting frustrated every time she complains about something, or getting defensive when she calls you on your behavior, then you’re not listening.  Instead, try to respond to your partner in the following ways:

 

• First, acknowledge that you hear what she’s saying: “I know you don’t like it when I use one word responses and don’t offer much in terms of conversation.”
• Next, cop to it in some way: “You’re right.  I was just trying to get by with the bare minimum since I’m not good at conversing.”  If you don’t think you were, in that moment, then say “I know I can do that.”
• Make a repair move if appropriate:  “I’m really sorry.  I will focus on acknowledging your comments, starting conversations myself, and using at least five word answers.”
• Change the behavior:  Typically there is a general theme around our partner’s complaints (i.e. you never talk, you’re often harsh, your anger is scary etc.) listen to the theme and address it.  Stop thinking your partner’s being a pain in the back side and actually take in the feedback.  Focus on it and change it.

 

People need to feel heard; this is particularly important for women.  If we don’t feel heard we will try a myriad of ways to get you to listen.  These attempts include speaking softly, making requests, speaking more loudly, making demands, silencing, raging, and everything in between. 

 

If you want the women in your life to stop being on you…then stop ignoring, defending, minimizing, saying yes to shut them up, turning their complaint back on them, bullying them, withdrawing and/or doing the same behavior over and over again.  All of the above is like throwing gasoline on the fire; it’s not smart and it’s incredibly counter productive. 

 

CHALLENGE:  If you’re partner has been complaining that you don’t listen, stop defending yourself and actually start to listen.  Practice for the next few weeks to summarize what you’re partner says and look for any place that you can acknowledge or own your part. Most important…address the issue by changing your behavior.  See if this leads to your partner warming up.

 

(NOTE:  Listening goes both ways and all the tips in this post are also good for women. I’ve addressed this to men however, because it’s one of the main complaints I receive from women.  Of course there are also women who don’t listen and men who do).

Comments

[Elizabeth H.]

I notice that you didn't address anything particularly for the man who tries to problem-solve. This is an endearing trait in my husband and many men; however, what specifically can they do in the situation to just *listen* and not *fix*? What are some key words they can say to show their attention and interest without taking over?

Dear Elizabeth: Great question. What they can do depends on the conversation. If you're sharing about a hard day, they can just nod their head and say something like, "That sounds hard." if you're talking about a problem then can ask, "How can I help"? If you're sad, they can just hold you and say, "I'm sorry you're so sad, I wish I could help you feel better."
Hope this helps!
Lisa

[summer]

For a man to listen is a good thing - yes- and I have one, but it is more that just listening that will help a marriage. Getting feedback is the key. I can go on for hours and he will listen to every word, and NOT give any feedback, suggestion, or ask questions. This is so flustering. I want to scream, "SAY something--anything!" I want him to give me some kind of response to what I should do or not do. Don't just listen- that does not help me. I can talk to my Dog for that--and get the same, maybe more. At least the Dog will wag his tail.

Of course, for a lot of women, being listened to is equivalent to being obeyed.

LISA'S REPLY: I'm so glad you sent this comment because I'm sure you're not alone with this belief. Just for clarity's sake, for both men and women, listening does NOT mean that you agree or even that you will do what they say. Listening means you hear what they say, take it in, and acknowledge that you heard them. Regardless of who's speaking (man or woman) it's basic respect to listen to try to understand their side.
Take care-Lisa

[Diane]

Great article. My husband gets your emails also so I know he read this. Of course, he didn't say a word about it.