March 18, 2009



After working with hundreds of women throughout the years, I can safely say that women settle for poor relationships all the time.  This settling often starts during the early stages of dating and expands from there.  Therefore, I’m writing this post in an effort to help women stop settling and get off to a great, versus wobbly, start in their relationships.


If you’re a woman looking to find a lasting, healthy relationship with a great, relational man, then commit to changing the way you date.  Ignore much of the traditional advice about dating, such as:  be coy, keep them guessing, play hard to get, focus on them, etc.  If you’re serious about finding someone to have a future with, stop playing games and get real.  Below are five tips to help you find a great potential life partner.


  • Switch from being the “choosee” to being the chooser.  Too many women go into dating hoping the man will like them.  You need to be clear with yourself that you’re the one deciding if you like him.  Stop trying to bend yourself backwards to try to be attractive to him.  Know that you’re trying to figure out if he’s a good fit for you.  Pretend you’re an employer trying to hire the best person for the job.  Check their credentials, make sure they meet all the job requirements, be certain they have good social skills (treat you with respect, ask about you, listen, etc.) and don’t settle for less than you’re looking for.

  • Be yourself, not who you think he wants you to be.  Remember, you’re the one choosing.  There’s no reason to put on a show when you’re the one choosing.  If you pretend to be someone you’re not and he falls for it, then what?  Realize this only sets you both up in the long run.  Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not — that’s an insult to you and him. 


  • Speak what you want to speak, not  what you think he wants to hear.  A friend of mine once told me she used to purposely answer questions the way she thought the guy wanted her to.  She did this because she wanted him to like her.  What?  That’s absurd…common and absurd. Stop acting like you’re not good enough for him and start knowing to the core of your being that you are.  Then, act on this belief by being yourself and trusting this is enough…you are enough. 


  • Move from desperate to relaxed.  If you’re desperate to be in a relationship, you are likely to make a poor choice.  Your lens is clouded and your expectations are too low.  Trust that you’ll find someone when the time is right and don’t try to speed up the process in an effort to feel better about yourself, be less lonely, to get other people off your back, to beat your biological clock, or (fill in the blank). 


  • Be conscious and dare to see what you see.  There are often a thousand red flags in relationships that women repeatedly choose to ignore.  These later come back to haunt them.   Often if there’s something “off” or unhealthy about a person, it will show up fairly quickly.  You just have to dare to see it.  Common red flags include:  drinking too much, flirting with the waitress right in front of you, spending most of the time talking about himself, being touchy/grabby, having a history of affairs (two or more), being controlling or jealous (i.e.deciding what food to order for  you, telling you how to think or what to do), bad-mouthing his ex, being rude to others around you, etc.  This list could go on and on, however the bottom line is:  if it doesn’t feel right, it’s not.  Don’t minimize, rationalize or defend these red flags…notice them and walk away (guilt free) if they’re significant.


If you are truly interested in not settling for a poor relationship, then creating a healthy one begins before the first hello.  Make sure you’re in a healthy frame of mind for dating.  The healthier and more secure you are, the healthier the person will be whom you attract.  Don’t play games.  Have a clear vision of what you’re looking for and go in from a position of strength (not conceit…strength).  Have fun and good luck.


CHALLENGE:  If you’re in the dating scene and you only change one thing about how you date, shift your attitude from that of the choosee to that of the chooser.  This shift will make an enormous difference in your dating experience.


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Great Tips!Thank you ever so for you post.Really looking forward to read more. Really Cool.

Its so true. I just got out of two month relationship. One red flag was the guy was too needy. If I was too busy to see him he would literally break down and cry. Some days he would throw tantrums like a 2 year old. The last straw was when he cried for 2hrs because I needed to go run some errands without him and this made him feel unloved. I knew right there and then to leave or I would never have the courage to do it later. Ladies don't be afraid to walk away I believe God has a good man out there for me. I just have to find him.

Great opinion you place here.
It would be interesting to find something more concerning this post.
Thanks for informing me with that information.

While I understand points 2, and 3, "be yourself" and "speak what you want" women need to be careful not to go on the other extreme by thinking that relationships are all about them - what they think and feel. It is also about how you make the other person feel while they are with and around you!

For me : one of the great romantic date ideas is to spend it out with nature. Go on a picnic trip in a secluded area with a great view. Or a candle lit dinner in your own backyard, patio or terrace. Use the stars as your backdrop and the candles to create intimacy.

Very good tips in finding the right person. It has been very interesting how many of us do make mistakes in getting involved with the wrong person. Finding someone you like in a dating scene is like walking and tiptoeing in a jungle with the possibility of being attacked and becoming a victim...how sad. As you said, relationships should be a happy experience for both. Thank you for great advice.

The best part is........speak what you want to speak not what he wants. Nice dating advice!

I'm a newly single guy, and I can see the challenge for single women. Men like to chase, so how can a women act assertive? Men are strongly attracted by looks, so how does one attract the right guy?

As a guy, my 'complex' strategy is to simply ask out any single woman I find attractive. My feeling is that I do this politely but find myself rejected, it's still a complement to the woman. I don't take this rejection too personally.

I know very few women who would feel O.K. following this assertive strategy.

Anyway, my main point is to comment on Chris' suggestion of being yourself. I know myself well enough to understand that only intelligent women 'work' for me. But you guys tend to hide.

This seems a poor strategy. From my experience, very few women care to date men less intelligent than themselves. If you reveal yourself, the right men will see you who you are.

Perhaps the social skills some teenage girls learn in their relationship with young guys works against them as they get older and want long term relationships. One can't find a soulmate when hiding. And besides, being yourself will only scare off the guys you shouldn't be with anyways.

It fascinates me how human relationships grow and evolve into something the parties involved never imagine possible. I came across your blog by chance, but your story is very intriguing. You leave me hungry for more. I have been in the dating “industry” for over 10 years now. I love learning about human relationships. Feel free to drop a line if you feel like it.

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