« CHEAT SHEET TO BEING RELATIONAL: FOUR TIPS THAT CAN TURN YOUR RELATIONSHIP AROUND TODAY | Main | MY PARTNER HAD AN AFFAIR AND NOW I’VE LOST ALL RESPECT FOR HIM/HER. IS IT POSSIBLE TO GET IT BACK? »

April 06, 2009

RELATIONSHIP VIOLENCE: ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY VITAL

This has been an interesting week for me professionally.  Have you ever had one of those weeks in which the same theme keeps coming into your life again and again?  If you haven’t, believe me it’s a weird phenomenon.

The theme this week: verbal and physical abuse that starts between the couple and trickles down to the children.  I keep getting calls and e-mails from women asking me what to do about their toxic partners who have been verbally abusive for years.  Ninety percent of the time, the women also state their children are picking up this abuse and turning their anger on their mother as well. 

These women say they lost themselves somewhere along the way.  They’re fighting depression, confused about what to do in their relationships and are scared for the future of their children.  They know they have to do something, yet have no idea what that something is.  Many of them ask me to please see or speak to their husband or child, hoping I might get through to them.

If this is going on in your relationship…LISTEN UP.  Change has to start with YOU.  In my experience, women teach people it’s okay to treat them poorly every day.  One woman’s husband snaps at her and she takes it, telling herself that he’s had a hard day.  The same woman’s daughter yells at her and again she says nothing, telling herself that her daughter learned it from her father.  That night, the father gets into it with his son and when the mother tries to intervene, they both turn on her.  She gets angry and turns into someone she never thought she’d be.  It’s all so overwhelming.

If you’re in an abusive relationship, the only hope for change is YOU.  You cannot look to others for change to happen because…it won’t.  If you want the yelling, screaming, belittling, etc., to stop, then YOU need to stop it.  If you’re too depressed to stop it, then get help for your depression so you can have the energy to tackle this issue. 

The first step to stopping abuse is not accepting it.  Use your actions to clearly show that you will no longer tolerate abuse in your home.  These actions can range anywhere from immediately ending any conversation where there is name-calling, yelling, belittling, etc. -- for example, “Until you can speak to me calmly and without swearing, this conversation’s over.”  Then walk away.  If they follow, leave the home or call the police.-- to moving out.  The bottom line, however, is zero tolerance for verbal (or physical) abuse.  Stop excusing, rationalizing or avoiding it and instead take actions to STOP IT.

There are many posts in my blog written on limit-setting.  if you’re serious about change, read them.  If you’re serious about wanting your partner to change, then stop complaining.  If you keep on just wishing, know you’ll have a looooooooong wait.

When you’re truly committed to change, you’ll know it.  Nothing will stop you.  Your actions will be different, not just your words.  You’ll begin to feel stronger and more determined.  You’ll take less and do more...and your family will know, on a whole different level that this time you mean it. 

Stop wishing for better and start making things better…for you and your children.

CHALLENGE:  If there’s an area in your life where you’re unhappy and wishing others would change…then change your thinking.  Decide to stop wishing for others to change and start making changes yourself.  Commit to taking action and stop settling.  Changing me, changes we – and it starts with YOU.

Comments

Feed You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.

The comments to this entry are closed.

TrackBack

TrackBack URL for this entry:
https://www.typepad.com/services/trackback/6a00d8341cc5df53ef01156efc46e5970c

Listed below are links to weblogs that reference RELATIONSHIP VIOLENCE: ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY VITAL:

Connect with Lisa

Icon Email

Icon Twitter

Icon Facebook

Icon Linkedin

Icon YouTube

Icon Blog Feed

Subscribe to Straight Talk 4 Women

Enter your email address to receive
updates every time I post


Powered by FeedBlitz

Listen to Podcasts

Purchase Products

Attend an Event

Training for Therapists