THE ART OF GOOD LISTENING: HUMILITY VERSUS DEFENSIVENESS
Defensiveness can be the death of a relationship. There are few things more frustrating than having a partner who gets defensive the moment you dare to speak about anything that might be upsetting to you. Do you know what I’m talking about? It sounds something like this:
Jody: Honey, can we talk about the other night?
John: What? What’s wrong now? Jeez—are you EVER happy?
Jody: I haven’t even said anything yet. Why are you getting so upset?
John: Because I already know it’s going to be something about what you don’t like. I haven’t even done anything. Forget this--I’m going to the gym.
Ugh, I’m getting frustrated just writing about it! For anyone who has been on the receiving end of defensiveness, I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about. The other person is either defending what they did, explaining to you that they didn’t really do what you said they did, accusing you of being too sensitive or turning the entire story around so that you look like the one who was in the wrong. Sound familiar? By the end of the conversation you’re either wishing you had never said anything or wondering if perhaps you were the one in the wrong.
Let me help relieve your sense of sanity for a minute. If your partner becomes defensive about feedback you’re giving them—they are off. Defensiveness stifles growth and shuts down relationships, period. Do not begin to question yourself just because your partner gets what I call BIG. When someone becomes defensive, in essence they are puffing themselves up and going on the attack, thinking the best defense is a great offense. People use this technique because...it works. It gets people off their back and they don’t have to look at their own behaviors. Unfortunately, it only works in the short run. In the long run, the damage is very costly.
If you struggle with defensiveness, you need to learn the art of humility. Who are you to think you would never make a mistake? We all make mistakes—that’s what makes us human. When your partner has the courage to tell you that they’re upset with you, step up and have the courage to listen. Listen with humility. Listen for truth in what your partner is saying and have the strength and integrity to cop to it and repair it.
Making mistakes does not ruin relationships. Refusing to be accountable for the mistakes we make absolutely does ruin relationships. The reality is that defensiveness gets people off your back temporarily. Your loved ones will eventually begin to stop sharing their upsets with you. They will no longer tell you when they are hurt by your actions. They eventually will truly get off your back – and then you will need to worry.
The cost of listening with humility and owning your imperfections is far less than the cost of defensiveness. Defensiveness will erode your relationship. Apologizing for your mistakes and doing things differently will save it.
CHALLENGE: When people in your life dare to be honest with you about their upsets, dare to be mature enough to hear them. Practice humility and remember that we all make mistakes along our journey. Mistakes are human. Refusing to acknowledge and learn from them is a weakness that will hurt you in life and relationships. Dare to step up and be accountable—it’s freeing for you and healing for your partner.
Jody: Honey, can we talk about the other night?
John: What? What’s wrong now? Jeez—are you EVER happy?
Jody: I haven’t even said anything yet. Why are you getting so upset?
John: Because I already know it’s going to be something about what you don’t like. I haven’t even done anything. Forget this--I’m going to the gym.
Ugh, I’m getting frustrated just writing about it! For anyone who has been on the receiving end of defensiveness, I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about. The other person is either defending what they did, explaining to you that they didn’t really do what you said they did, accusing you of being too sensitive or turning the entire story around so that you look like the one who was in the wrong. Sound familiar? By the end of the conversation you’re either wishing you had never said anything or wondering if perhaps you were the one in the wrong.
Let me help relieve your sense of sanity for a minute. If your partner becomes defensive about feedback you’re giving them—they are off. Defensiveness stifles growth and shuts down relationships, period. Do not begin to question yourself just because your partner gets what I call BIG. When someone becomes defensive, in essence they are puffing themselves up and going on the attack, thinking the best defense is a great offense. People use this technique because...it works. It gets people off their back and they don’t have to look at their own behaviors. Unfortunately, it only works in the short run. In the long run, the damage is very costly.
If you struggle with defensiveness, you need to learn the art of humility. Who are you to think you would never make a mistake? We all make mistakes—that’s what makes us human. When your partner has the courage to tell you that they’re upset with you, step up and have the courage to listen. Listen with humility. Listen for truth in what your partner is saying and have the strength and integrity to cop to it and repair it.
Making mistakes does not ruin relationships. Refusing to be accountable for the mistakes we make absolutely does ruin relationships. The reality is that defensiveness gets people off your back temporarily. Your loved ones will eventually begin to stop sharing their upsets with you. They will no longer tell you when they are hurt by your actions. They eventually will truly get off your back – and then you will need to worry.
The cost of listening with humility and owning your imperfections is far less than the cost of defensiveness. Defensiveness will erode your relationship. Apologizing for your mistakes and doing things differently will save it.
CHALLENGE: When people in your life dare to be honest with you about their upsets, dare to be mature enough to hear them. Practice humility and remember that we all make mistakes along our journey. Mistakes are human. Refusing to acknowledge and learn from them is a weakness that will hurt you in life and relationships. Dare to step up and be accountable—it’s freeing for you and healing for your partner.
Hi,
Yeah..never fully realized this till now. So Im not overlly sensitive after all, he's just defensive.
Thanks.
[email protected] // Manila
Posted by: Joy | January 21, 2010 at 01:00 AM
Thanks so much for this post. I am in a young relationship with someone I love very much. We do all have our problems, I have trust issues and so does he. But he has used the defensive shield already to avoid things that have really hurt the relationship we have. I am sending him this article in hopes that he will take stock in the information and actually use it to heal us. Again, Thanks you.
Posted by: D. Williams | January 15, 2010 at 09:53 PM
Thank you for this post. I was married to a man for almost 20 years that used the shield of defensiveness. Anytime I expressed any kind of unhappiness or hurt he would turn it around to make me feel like I was too sensitive and that it was my fault in the first place. After a few years of this I began to question my sanity and my perceptions of just about everything. That led to shutting down and trying not to feel anything. It's a horrible way to live your life. Looking back now I realize my marriage was over long before we actually split. No one is perfect and everyone hurts their spouse at some point. It it so important to own up to your actions and accept responsibility and make amends when you wrong someone. If I can teach my children one thing, that is what I want them to understand. Thanks for sharing your wisdom and experience.
Posted by: Nickey | January 15, 2010 at 07:56 AM
Hi Lisa
I call this crazy making! And I've been on the recieving end. And yes I got sick of it all, and walked. If a person is defensive, then how do they or will they grow? My guess is they don't. If they are not willing to listen with humility then they can't see the dents in their own armour. It's sad for that person because it's a beautiful gift to have someone be that willing to be honest with YOU. Shutting it down is detrimental to yourself and subsequently to the relationship.
Posted by: Niki | January 15, 2010 at 04:06 AM