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May 24, 2010

Are Men Attracted to Strong Women?

  IStock_00strong woman

In my work over the past seventeen years, I’ve run across many types of women.  I’ve seen the stereotypical “nice” woman, who does anything she can to please her man and take care of the family.  I’ve worked with the over-the–top aggressive woman who’s determined to not take sh*t from anyone.  And, I’ve worked with hundreds of women in between.

Here are some of the things I’ve notice throughout the years:
1.        The “nice” women were often depressed, cheated on and so dependent on their husbands/lovers that they would take any kind of treatment in order to keep their man.
2.        The over-the-top aggressive women often had passive-aggressive husbands who were miserable, but afraid to take the women on.  Many husbands of these women came to see me individually to talk about what to do, how to leave or how to choose between their wives and their lovers, who were much less volatile and more loving.
3.        The men involved with the “nice” women wanted their partners to be stronger.  They did not like the level of dependency these women had on them, nor did they like that the women would mechanically do whatever the men said. 
4.        As the “nice” women got stronger, the men were more attracted to them—even though the women were voicing their upsets more and setting limits. 
5.        As the nice women grew stronger, they began to feel more confident and empowered.  They were finally able to create the relationships they had always wanted. 

Although I’ve known that women are more attractive when they own their space and worth, I’ve been surprised by the men’s direct reports of this fact.  When women stand up for what they deserve, it is attractive, clear and a relief to the men who live with them.  It is attractive, however, only when women use a centered strength—not an over-the-top aggression.  If women step in with aggression, it feels the same as it does to women when men bully—bad.

I’ve had man after man report, in front of their partners, that when their partners get stronger, they find them more attractive.  Several men have directly asked their partners to stand up to them by speaking their own minds.  The men have also asked that the women not center their entire lives around them and the children.  The women have been surprised to say the least.

Women need to realize we are equals.  We then need to incorporate this belief into our thoughts and actions.  Being an equal means you are loving to your partner while also holding him accountable.  You do not accept the unacceptable because you then invite the unacceptable. 

The only person who is capable of creating a loving, mutually cherishing relationship is you.  You do that by adopting a centered, powerful strength that is neither over the top nor too weak.  When you step in with this quiet, centered strength you will feel better and your relationships will get better.  It’s sexy, attractive and intriguing to see a woman stand up for herself from a centered place.  It’s also very empowering. 

When you stand up the world steps up.

CHALLENGE:  If you’ve been over-aggressive or too weak and accommodating, it’s time to get to the center.  Know that you deserve to be treated well by all people at all times and so do the people in your life.   Practice accountability.  Be accountable on your end while holding others accountable as well—no matter who they are. 

Don't play small.  Don't play the bully.  Be centered, relational and strong.


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I have a best friend female I am male, she is the leader and I am the follower, we have fun, she can have fun with anyone. I am sick of being disrespected for once in a while crossing her borders. Instead of reaming me out she could talk normally about it. Now I am making my own way. Signed Tired

I'm a determined strong minded (managing director) of a successful legal firm and have recently parted with my partner of three years because I fell into the 'man trap' of being the nice guy, why? Because I believed that adoration could overcome any relationship challenge. I'm fundamentally a nice guy cannot exist with someone who is too needy; therefore I found the strong woman and lost her because I was not stepping up to the mark. She has a long-term plutonic friendship with a guy who has taken her down the wrong (drinking) path and getting way too familiar with her. Everything screamed for me to step in and sort the guy, instead I appeased him and made her feel insecure in the process. DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE!! Stand your ground and if necessary stand between you and your lady at any cost but do it with love!

I dated a guy who is 13 yrs older than me, but i m still in control of our relationship. he is 41,i'm 28. i really donot know how i controlled him, what kind of guy he is. but he is really caring, always speak into my heart.i feel safe, happy with him.

I truly agree with the thing you have discussed in this article. As a woman, what I find sexy and attractive in a man is the ability to take control and be aggressively courageous but also to protect and impress his woman with this strength rather than oppose her. A man that can do that is a man that will go far in life.
This opinion seems to be widely misunderstood, as people mistake it for women being attracted to men that abuse them... sorry abusive men, you're not hot ;)

a nice woman, who knows what she wants.

I don't really care if a woman is "strong" or not as long as she doesn't get on my nerves. I don't care if a woman is weak or not either, because when it comes to women - really, I only think sex. I'm not some new age guy wanting my "equal" partner. I'm not Feminist, I'm not Christian so I think "man is to love woman", I'm not a chivalrous tard - just primal when it comes to women. Raw and untamed. Wouldn't have it any other way. Why would i want a female partner? I'm sorry, but i couldn't count on a woman for anything. I'm sexually attracted to bitchy women and submissive women and anything in between. As far as "relationships" go, why bother? Women cheat MORE than men anymore according to stats and i have a bad temperment and betrayal is the worse thing ever, and she would be lucky if she could walk afterwards. Plus, I'm too independent to be caring whether or not some woman is mad at me for something silly.

Dear Matt: I'm sorry to hear you think like this. If this is your experience with women than you obviously are not hanging out with the right women. I'm making up that your attitude is attracting unhealthy women to you. It's unlikely you will ever be able to experience true connection with someone with this type of thinking--although you say that's not what you're looking for anyway. Your disrespect for women and callousness in general is likely to lead you to have an unhappy life with little connection or real relationships. My hope for you is you look at this and make the decision to create a change that will change your life.
Either way, thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Great article.

A nice strong woman!

Dear Lisa: :-)--love how you signed!

I'd like to point out that the same is true of men who are "centered, relational and strong." In my book, THAT is a man's sex appeal; and THAT is what makes a man attractive. I wish my husband was a strong, centered and relational man. It would spice up the bedroom a lot more than romantic gestures. Does anyone else feel the same way?

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