There Are Few Things Less Relational Than A Poor Listener: Working Your Listening Skills In Your Relationships

Good listening skills are vital to any relationship in your life.  If you don’t listen well at work—it may cost you your job.  If you don’t listen to your partner—it will greatly impact your relationship.  And if you don’t listen to your friends—you may find that you have fewer and fewer.  The bottom line is: when it comes to relationships, listening is vital.

Those people who are lucky enough to have a partner, boss, friend, etc. who is a good listener know exactly what I’m talking about.  Good listeners encourage communication rather than squash it.  They take in difficult feedback, aren’t afraid of hard conversations and are safe to talk with.  The intimacy level is often much higher with people who know how to listen well.

Many people, however, are not good listeners.  In fact, many people are terrible at listening.  Some people are so reactive that those around them are afraid to talk with them.  Others are so conflict-avoidant that they refuse to stay in a conversation long enough to actually work through any issue. And still others are so sure they’re right that they forget to realize the other person may be right as well.

If you want great relationships you must become a great listener.  Pay attention to the dos and donts of listening:

Do:
1.    Listen with an open heart and mind.  One of my favorite bumper stickers is, “Minds are like parachutes, they only work when open.”  We need to be open to hearing another person’s perspective, feedback and criticism even when it differs from what we believe.  We do not need to agree, however we do need to walk a mile in the other person’s shoes to understand what things are like on their end.  Having an open mind leads to growth, receptivity and intimacy.

2.    Join with them.  If the other person is simply sharing an insight, event or piece of information, just take it in.  Don’t counter it, “fix it” or question it.  This person is simply giving you insight into how and what they think.  What a gift; take it as such.
3.    Own your part.  If someone is upset about something they feel you did—listen first and then acknowledge any part that’s true.  We all make mistakes.  Don’t beat yourself up about it.  Just have the courage to acknowledge your humanity and apologize if it’s warranted.  Owning our mistakes is incredibly healing to the people we’ve hurt.  It’s also healing and empowering to ourselves.
4.    Encourage ongoing communication.  When someone’s sharing their story with you, act as if you want to hear more.  Ask questions, get curious, make comments that let them know you’re listening (e.g.. “That sounds scary.”  No way, they didn’t really do that did they?!”
Don’t:
1.    Don’t dismiss or minimize what they’re saying.  Dismissing someone happens when you tell them they’re too sensitive, they don’t know what they’re talking about or they’re wrong for feeling what they’re feeling.  Stop making their feelings seem unimportant.  Who made you the judge of what’s worthy to think or feel?  If someone is trying to share something with you, the last thing they want to hear is any of these kinds of statements. 
2.    Don’t critique the messenger.  Too many listeners get lost in the details and try arguing the facts.  That is rude and annoying.  Let go of the “facts” and pay attention to the message—you may learn something.
3.    Do NOT defend.  The number one sign of a bad listener is defensiveness.  If someone is upset about something you did, stop defending your actions and start having empathy for what your actions may have caused.  Defensiveness is frustrating and blocks intimacy every time.  Get skilled at acknowledging and repairing your mistakes rather than arguing that you never make them. 
4.    Don’t sit there like a bump on a log.  I can’t tell you how many men literally say nothing when their partners speak to them.  They sit there like a deer in the headlights and don’t even nod their heads.  I don’t have to tell you how rude this is—just stop doing it.

Above is a quick tip sheet for being a good listener.  Some of these tips are easier than others to follow.  All of these tips are necessary for healthy relationships.  You cannot have intimate relationships if you can’t listen.  Work to becoming the listener you would like your partner, friend, boss and child to be with you.

CHALLENGE:  Look over the list above and rate yourself on each tip.  Choose two areas to work on over the next couple of weeks and pay attention to what happens when you actually listen to the people in your life.

Comments

[Marian]

All pertinent, and I'd add another point: know how you listen. Each of us has different listening habits that influence what we take out of and use in an interaction. So, if we know our preferred habits, we can build those we don't use as much or reduce reliance on our usual pattern to choose right fit for the listening situation. The most common comment we get when people take our listening assessment is, "I never before thought about how I listen."

I sure agree this is a valuable post. Thanks.

[Susan Raisch]

Great post! I'm interested in the subject of bullying and this is the one piece of advice that is universal. Listen! Don't judge! Validate! and Care!

I'll share this post with others. You really covered it!

(Thanks for listening!)

Dear Susan: You're very welcome:-). Thanks for sharing the post!
Lisa

[Janet]

I love this post. Good listening is an invaluable skill.
My dear friend, who, when I come to her to discuss something, sits back and puts her hands in her lap and listens with her whole being. I value her quiet ability to take in my thoughts more than I can say. Discussions that follow are open, honest, thoughtful.
I have tried to follow her example with my own friends and family. These dos and don'ts you've provided, are worth printing and reviewing from time to time.
Thanks