When Your Partner Flirts or Ogles In Front Of You

I’ve had several couples struggle with wandering eyes of the men.  Most of the men deny it and many of the women then begin to question themselves upon hearing his insistence that he’s doing nothing wrong.  When it comes to men staring at, flirting with or paying attention to other women, I’ve heard all the excuses.  Here are just a few:
    •    “I was just appreciating her beauty.”
    •    “What’s the big deal?  You know I’m going home with you.”
    •    “I don’t stare—she’s just paranoid and overly jealous”.
    •    “I was just talking to her.  She’s only a friend.  I’m not going to give up my friends.  This is your issue not mine.”

Regardless of whether you’re male, female, heterosexual or homosexual, flirting with, starting at or paying extra attention to someone you find attractive is disrespectful to the one you’re with.  If you’re in a relationship with someone, it’s your job to treat that person well and show him/her you care about him/her.  Checking out other men/women shows the exact opposite.  It shows that you have no respect for the person you’re with and no respect for the person you’re ogling.

Particularly bad is when you do this with your partner’s friends!  You’re not 15 years old anymore, with raging hormones and a desperate need to pump up your chest to any female/male in sight.  Grow up and be respectful. 

When men -- or women – have the need to constantly flirt, ogle others or get attention from others, it’s a sign they can’t be trusted and they don’t feel comfortable without the attention of others.  This leaves them constantly looking for reassurance from people of the opposite sex (or same sex if homosexual) that they’re worthy.  The sexual energy serves as a self-esteem pump, regulating how they feel about themselves.  Every eye contact, returned flirtation or smile gives them a jolt to their self-esteem.  People who struggle with this need flirt so much that half the time they’re not even aware they’re doing it.  It becomes a way they walk in the world.

If you’re with a partner who stares or flirts with other attractive people in your presence, know that it is disrespectful and not okay.  Do not question your gut when you hear them making up poor excuses for their behavior.  There is no excuse for it; it’s rude. 

If you’re the one flirting and constantly checking people out, know this is off.  It’s not normal (for guys or girls).  It’s often due to issues of self-esteem and love or sex addiction.  Start reviewing when you do this and why, and get help if you need it.  This behavior will destroy any relationship you’re in – if the other person is healthy.

CHALLENGE:  If your partner struggles with a wandering eye, know you’re in trouble.  Set limits on that behavior, trust your instincts and get professional help or a new partner if they refuse to change.
If you’re the person with the wandering eye—stop it.  It’s disrespectful to your partner and the people you are ogling.  It also makes you look bad.  Do your work and figure out why you need this sexual energy jolt.

Comments

[Lisa Merlo-Booth]

Dear Gladis,
I'm so sorry your marraige is starting off this way. You are unfortunately realizing what far too many people don't realize until it's too late:
Marriage does NOT solve issues. If anything getting married only enhances what's already going on.
This issue was present prior to your marriage and now you have to decide what you want to do about it. My suggestion is that you both get help from a couples expert (therapist, coach, pastor).
Don't silently sit back and just be frustrated and similarly don't blow up about it. Hold your ground and ask for what you want.
Warmly,
Lisa

[Gladis Chumacero]

I've been married for two weeks now. I thought maybe marriage would change what was my fiancé. Didn't change him one bit--he still flirts with friends, my pretty cousins, strangers it's sad and it's disrespectful I hate it and I'm miserable. Sad thing is I always have people tell me how gorgeous and beautiful I am and I know I could pretty much be with any guy I want! But for some reason HE NEEDS ATTENTION from other girls, he has no boundries! I wish I would've really realized what I was getting myself into:(

[sandy jay]

I have one of those and yes they are window shopping.
I didn't NEED to worry about losing him. I didn't know that then.
We are older now and it's a hoot. I don't even notice if he is flirting. I could have done more with my time had I just said screw it and ignored him.
He has health issues and knows they are not looking back. I did gradually stop careing which is what they all deserve

[Kathleen]

Hindsight Twenty-Twenty: I could have written your post only I've been married to an ogler for 41 years. They will never change no matter how you try to tell them it hurts you and disrespects you. And I've tried plenty of times telling him and it usually ends up with him denying it and yelling at me. My husband treats me much better at home, telling me how much he loves me often. I don't need this constant affirmation but I guess it makes him feel better. When we're out in public he usually finds someone to stare at. Staring and glancing are two different things. I've watched him over the years stare at a woman for the entire time we're at an event. The person he's staring at usually notices, as does her boyfriend or husband, but even that doesn't stop my husband from staring. How I wish I would not have thrown my life away with a man like this. No matter how he treats me at home, I know when he's out in public he has total disregard for me, which makes his treatment of me at home meaningless.

[Hindsight Twenty-Twenty]

I have been married to the same man for twenty years. He was a flirt, ogled women and needed attention from women other than me, all since day one. I always hoped he would outgrow this, or see all that I did to be perfect for him. But none of that happened. My advice: a man who flirts at the start of a relationship will always do so. He does not respect you and it is a sign that he is open to others. Although we have had a mostly happy life together, his ways have sapped me of my self-esteem over time. If a man exhibits non-desirable behaviour at the start, and you cannot live with it, then move on. And ALWAYS trust your instincts!!!!

[Moe Ruiz]

If I'm out with my girlfriend having a nice lunch and two young ladies comment about a shirt I'm wearing, Is it ok to you acknowledge the person to be respectful? I introduced the girlfriend and she didn't acknowledge the other persons question. I acknowledged the lady who asked me the question and was respectful. Is that being disrespectful to the girl that I'm with? Please tell me its just being polite. My girlfriend became volatile and very negative towards me. What did I do? I did nothing wrong. Reading this article I don't think its wrong for someone to acknowledge a shirt that you're wearing.. god help the person. I think the girl that I was with must be very insecure about herself.

DEAR MOE: You are correct. Acknowledging someone's comment is fine. As long as you weren't flirtatious in how you were talking with the other women, you are fine on your side. you might want to ask your girlfriend why she doesn't trust you and why she became so angry. It's important that you hear what she has to say AND it's equally important that you let your girlfriend know that her volatility isn't okay for you.
Take Care-Lisa

[Tom]

READY FOR THE TRUTH?

As a man who was married to a person that was a compromise to me in the looks department, I used to look all the time because...wait for it...I was still shopping. Pretty obvious, and most likely the reason most men have an eye that wanders.

It took me a long time to admit to myself that I should have not got married and waited for the woman who made me want to be close to her physically.

I am happily re-married to a woman I can't keep my hands off of.

Marry someone who you can't live without, not someone you can live with.

My two cents.

[Melissa]

Well ladies I moved back in and I'm miserable

[Sangeetha]

I am a happily married women, its been 8 years now & we have a 7 yr old son. I beleived my family is picture perfect but soon some thing shocking happened...I invited my newly wed younger sister & her husband for lunch. We all got drunk, I saw my husband making advances towards my sister. He tried getting close to her ...held her hands ..his hands on her lap now & then between conversation. We have been having differences since then, I feel his act was inappropriate & he says he was drunk & so does'nt really remember what happened.I am shocked & confused with his behaviour. He actually is a serious kind & reserved person.

[m wright]

My husband of 25 years hired a girl for his company and he is 48 and she is 29 and separated from her husband and he will flirt with her right in front of me. He has never done this before. I think he is going through the change of life. he says they are just friends and they get along better than we do.