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September 01, 2010

10 Ways To Get The Spark Back Into Your Relationship

Neither you nor your partner have to be drop dead gorgeous or sexual dynamos to get the spark back.  Often all you need is two willing people and a determination to find each other again.  Step out of your comfort zone and take some steps to get the spark back.
1.    Stop telling yourself you don’t have that spark.  Our thoughts are extremely powerful and once we tell ourselves it’s gone, that becomes the only thought we notice.
2.    Act more sexual and be more flirtatious Dress sexy (put on perfume/cologne, dress up, wear something you feel good in or that you know your partner likes) and act playful.
3.    Do random acts of kindness without any expectation that they will return the favor or that you’ll get something in return. 
4.    Be more affectionate deliberately.  Hold hands, touch more, look your partner in the eyes when you kiss them, touch the small of their back when you walk by etc.
5.    Change your lens and focus on those moments you do like your partner or like what they’re doing.  Take these moments in.  Seldom do people constantly dislike their partners.  Notice when you feel any level of attraction and take note of that.  If you can’t think of any now, think back to when you first fell in love.
6.    Act as if:  act as if you are in a great relationship with someone you adore.  What would you be doing differently?  Our actions greatly influence the actions of those around us; play with this idea and see what you notice.  See what happens as you become more loving and cherishing.
7.    Just do it.  Our libidos are just like our brains—if we don’t use it we lose it.  Stop saying you’re too tired, not in the mood etc., and just do it.  Clear your mind of the clutter and  the negative talk and just be present.
8.    Say it straight. Tell your partner what you like and don’t like instead of assuming they should know.  Ask your partner what they like and don’t just assume you’re wonderful.
9.    Talk to each other. Share your day, your fears, your upsets and your crazy thoughts or dreams. Intimacy means into me you see; give your partner a glimpse of who you are and what’s going on in your world.  Know that when your partner shares with you it is a window into their soul which is a gift; treat it as such.
10.    Be the change agent rather than waiting for your partner to change.  Too many people say they’ll change when their partner changes and it’s killing couples.  Stop waiting for something to happen and make it happen.

Challenge:  Choose 1-2 suggestion from the list above and incorporate them into your relationship for a minimum of two weeks.  Pay attention to any changes you see from your partner.


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I would suggest you read the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. In it, he talks about how there are 5 love languages (words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, physical touch), and how each of us has a primary love languages. Learn what your partner's love language is and convey your love for him/her with the help of their love language (if I perceive love as being love when someone devotes their time to me it is almost useless if they keep telling me they love me because I would believe it more if they spent some time with me). And if you lack ideas on what else to do to bring the spark back, I would suggest Bring the Spark Back Cards.

Dear Lou,
I don't know if your boyfriend loves you or not but I do know that it doesn't sound like he treats you like he does. If he doesn't listen to you, complains about HIS child and is constantly jealous than no wonder why the spark is gone. you deserve to be with someone who treats you and your child lovingly, is excited to have a child with you and who believes you are a great addition to their life. My question to you is why are you settling for less than that? Ask your boyfriend to get professional help with you to work through these issues and if he refuses I would seriously look at why you're putting up with this.
You and your daughter deserve more.

Hi, I've been with my boyfriend for 22 months. He asked me out on the second day he met me, but it felt right when we first met and I automatically felt this love for him. We've been off and on for a while. We've had our arguments about lads making him jealous about me when nothing was ever going on. He always accuses me of being with lads. When I try to explain why I'm feeling the way I am I get called immature, a silly little girl and I've been called worse stuff. We've recently had a baby girl who's nearly 6 months old but he always throws in my face that he didn't want a baby or he didn't sign up for this. I really don't know what to do anymore, I love him and he loves me, but the sparks just gone. He's too interested in going out with friends and on holidays and when I say that to him he has a go at me, as he can never see where I'm coming from. Need some advice please

So I have been with my bf since I was in the 9th grade im soon to be in the 11th. We have been through a lot together running away hate from my mother and step father. I don't live with my mom no more I'm in foster care. But with stress and him working and being so tired I feel unloved sometimes. I go to his home only to find him sleeping and when I want loving he says I'm annoying. I ran away to be with him. I'm starting to regret it but I really do love him. Help he hardly finds me attractive now.

Hi, I'm still a teenager but my girlfriend and I have been going on and off, this is the 4th time she dumped me. She told me she broke up with me because our "spark" was gone. Can someone please tell me how I can bring it back, I really like this girl, she's everything I want.

I do and have always done everything said above. I always dress nice for him. I give him little presants all the time. Im very loving and I love to cook romantic meals. I sit and watch him play xbox everyday. But yet he has completly lost interest. And we have sex very regular. So in my eyes I'm doing everyfing right. And after 2years he has accused me of stealing off him. And does not suspect his friend who has a history of stealing. What am I doing wrong?

Hi there I have been in a relationship for the last 13 months and have been told by my better half that she loves me but we have lost our spark and finds that there is no point in carrying on. I have been divorced and it was a horrible divorce. I love my girlfriend and can see us with a bright future together. What do I need to do to get her to see the bigger picture and that we are stuck in a relationship rut and need to get through this together. Need any help to solve this.

We have been in a relationship for over 3 years and nothing has been complicated with her. For over a 2 years, EVERYTHING was fine; I love her I don’t want to lose her. You know when it’s normal, it was like that. But, recently a few weeks ago, I registered to twitter and checked her profile.. omg what I saw… I saw conversations with SOME other guy that I had never been told about. I commented on the conversation and they got quiet after my comment. I haven’t asked her anything and she didn't say anything to me .. My question is, should I ask her if she’s cheating or just let her go?

DEAR HENRY: Henry, first off, I'm really sorry this has happened. I can only imagine how hard this is and hurtful it was to be shocked by what you saw. My suggestion is that you have a conversation with her. Find out why she was doing what she was doing and if she is seeing him. Wait to make any decision until you have a conversation with her and have more information.

How when my Brian say's go for it but my body just won't move


My boyfriend and I are going on 2 years in a month. In the beginning I thought we were invinvible as a couple,. I would look around and see that other couples did't have the connection we had and our relationship was more built to last. However i'm losing the apark and every time we argue I think to myself about breaking up.How we used to be seems so far away. The sex is lacking, communication lacking, when we kiss here is no more butterflies, it feels forced not verysensual or romantic. I don't know what it is. It's like reality set in and we aren't this perfect couple. Now I look around and see couples that seem perfect for each other and it seem me and him are less so.I don't know what to do. Leave or stay ?> We are very alike thats whjy we hit it off (Capricorns) but we are also hard headed and stubborn. When I spoke to him about this for the first time he cried and I felt o bad. I don't want to stay just so I don't hurt him but I dont want to hurt him either because there is still love between us.

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