What’s Up With The Sex? Pay Attention To Why You’re Doing What You’re Doing…And With Whom You’re Doing It With

In the world of relationship coaching and therapy, it’s fascinating how things seem to come in waves.  The issue of the month may cycle from rage in men to rage in women to affairs to passive-aggression to dead marriages.  Before I know it, I have several different couples dealing with the same issue...until the next wave of couples comes along.
 
The apparent new wave has to do with sex.  Not just any kind of sex, though, it’s sex with multiple partners -- swinging, threesomes, open marriages and the like.  I’m sure many people take some kind of stand -- for or against -- this kind of sex.   However, I have really tried to be open enough to hear couples out and not just assume the worst.  In fact, I’ve even gone out of my way to try to see it as another alternative for keeping things alive in a marriage.  To no avail…
 
I’ve heard the arguments that humans aren’t meant to be monogamous, that people are too stifled regarding their sexuality, that anything goes with two consenting adults, etc.  Here’s the thing though…I have yet to find a happily married couple with a great relationship, invite a third party into their bed.  I have also yet to find a couple who was swinging or the like, where one partner wasn’t more into it than the other—or where jealousy didn’t come into play somewhere down the line.

 
I have come across many couples who've tried to justify their choice to me.  The bottom-line, however, when they got truly honest was that people are agreeing to this alternative for the wrong reasons.  Below is a list of many of the dynamics I’ve seen that relate to this lifestyle.  If you and your partner are living this lifestyle, are any of these dynamics present in your relationship?

1.    One partner is adamant they need it and the other partner goes along because they are afraid they’ll lose their partner if they don’t.  Women, by the way, are more likely, by far, the ones who go along.
2.    Having threesomes is a “safe” way of getting their homosexual fantasies met without having to come out as homosexual.
3.    One partner has a history of sexual abuse that they have not addressed directly and thoroughly, and this history gets played out in their current relationship.  Some became promiscuous at a young age and others don’t know how to say no and run the risk of disappointing or even losing their partner.
4.    When it comes to threesomes, it is often two women and one man.  Why?  Because the man doesn’t want to be with another man, but it’s hot for him to be with two women. 
5.    It is very common for one partner to begin an affair with the couple’s “threesome partner.”  For some reason, this is shocking to the spouse, who then feels betrayed.  The affair happens because, as the saying goes, “When you play with fire, you’re going to get burned.” 
6.    One (or both) of the partners is truly a sex addict, while the other partner is literally and figuratively trying to turn themselves into a pretzel to satisfy their partner’s insatiable appetite.  The more the non-addict tries to satisfy the sex addict, the more the sex addict needs and wants.  It is an endless trough that can never be filled.  The partner begins to agree to do things they are not comfortable doing and sooner or later things begin to go downhill...fast.
 
I realize that many individuals and couples will vehemently disagree with this post and to those people who do, I’m open to hearing your stories.  As I’ve said, I’ve yet to meet a truly successful threesome or swinging couple, even though they would say they were successful.  My belief is that love should be a mutual back and forth of trust, respect, cherishing and intimacy.  Many people choose to be in a committed relationship because they want to be special to someone and have a strong sense of “we.”  We want to know we can count on our partner to have our back, love us and be there for us.  I don’t believe the multiple-partner dynamic allows for these objectives and I see too many people selling themselves out in a desperate attempt to keep someone who doesn’t want to be kept.
 
CHALLENGE:  If you are in an “open” relationship, I encourage you to explore why.  Look at your choice with an open mind -- not from a place of defensiveness -- and see if this choice is coming from a healthy place.  Regardless of what answer you come up with, good for you for being willing to look at your decision.

Comments

[Luke]

My opinion is. We are products of a corrupt culture that teaches selfishness. All sin is selfish. No one ever sins for someone else -- we do it for selfish reasons.

[D.R. Peck]

Might I add I have not met many (1-3) 'successful' couples that were monogamous. Maybe the sex isn't what is the matter with relationships.

With a 52% divorce rate as of 2008 (CNN) me thinks that the other 48% isn't that rosy either.

How many go outside their relationship for stimulation or retreat into a non-sexual status?

It's not about the sex, it is more about the hello that two people give each other.

As per the alternative relationship models, what I have found is that people are usually still living with traditional relationship models.

How can that work when one evaluates the relationship success using old metrics?

What if just "wanting to be loved" became more focused on the following:

How much did you grow in the relationship?

What success did one achieve in making separation from old conditioning and programming?

Did you move closer or farther away from finding your likes and dislikes?

How many of your desires did you experience rather than judge before even trying them?

Have you found a new level of personal intimacy during this relationship(s)?

Has your self-love taken steps up?

Are you more confident in engaging the other gender in communicating what works for you in a relationship?

Are you better at making agreements with your partner so that you both feel given to in your relationship?

With these type of parameters now in play, the "normal" relationship has a hard time standing out as a useful/growth experience as people journey on discovering who they are and and who they want to engage.