The Fallout Of Affairs: Think Before You Leap

Many people do not purposefully leap into an affair. Typically they start as innocent conversations, cups of coffee or lunches with a friend or co-worker.  Seldom are they a well thought out plan for deception.

Unfortunately, the impact is the same regardless of whether they were planned or not.  And the fallout is often way beyond what people expect.

Before you jump into an affair take a moment to think about the implications of that choice to you as well as to those around you.  The reality is that affairs rock marriages.  In fact, affairs actually destroy many marriages.  Below are some of the almost universal effects of affairs…the ripple effect, let’s say, of affairs:

1.    Affairs break the trust in relationships.  This mistrust does not come back simply by ending an affair.  Mistrust becomes a new entity in the relationship and typically lasts for years. If the partner who had the affair doesn’t address the mistrust in an honest, forthright and compassionate way, the mistrust is likely to remain in the relationship throughout its duration.
2.    Affairs have a tendency of being passed down from generation to generation.  Your children are likely to also struggle with affairs in their life (either their own or their partner’s).  This is such a powerful phenomenon that at times it can be shocking.  I’ve worked with several couples impacted by an affair who reported that there were no affairs in their parent’s marriage only to later find out that when they asked, there were indeed affairs.  Their parents just tried to keep them a secret from the kids.
3.    Affairs take 3-5 years to overcome…under the best of circumstances.  This does not mean you are doomed for 3-5 years of the kind of intensity prevalent in the first year; however, the affair takes up a lot of space for a long time.

4.    Seldom do affair relationships work.  Many people have left their partners for an affair only to later regret it or realize the same issues are repeating themselves in the affair that were present in the marriage.  The grass is often greener at first but soon turns brown when it’s not watered.
5.    Often when one parent has an affair, their relationship with their children is damaged.  If the children find out, they are incredibly angry and hurt at the offending parent.  The affair puts the children into a loyalty bind between their parents that is unfair and caustic.
6.    The offending partner often struggles with guilt, self-esteem issues and depression as a result of having an affair.  Many people who have an affair struggle with the decision they made and lose respect for themselves.  Others around them also may lose respect for them as well.
7.    Affairs minimally damage relationships and often ultimately destroy them. This is especially true if the offending partner is not willing to do the hard work necessary to repair the damage they caused.

The bottom-line when it comes to affairs is they are caustic to individuals and families.  No one comes out of an affair unscathed and the ripple effects are often far reaching.  Before you enter into an affair be certain that you are willing to bear the brunt of your actions.  Also be certain that you’re willing to have your family bear the brunt of your actions. 

Don’t just blindly put your relationship in jeopardy.  If you aren’t happy at home then speak to that.  Get help if you need to but don’t run via an affair.  There’s never an excuse for having an affair and the repercussions are far worse than you predict.

CHALLENGE:  If you’re unhappy in your relationship, speak to your partner about what is not working.  Get help if you need to–even if that means going by yourself.  Do not go out to lunch, talk on facebook, text or have ongoing conversations with a “friend” of the opposite sex (same sex if you’re gay) about the struggles in your life.  Protect your relationship and don’t get into an emotional affair thinking it’s nothing.

Comments

[Santosh]

Thanks for commenting about this. I know there are lots more who have been in these shoes--men and also ladies! !

[Tracy]

My husband had an affair while we were separated. He told her we were getting a divorce but he hadn't bothered to tell me that. I was trying to reconcile and he became nastier and nastier. i know now that this was during the time he was having sex with her.
After 11 months separation he moved came back to the family and the day after I discovered what had been happening by catching a text from her. He said they had stopped having sex a month before but he was still texting her and her text mentioned him going over a few days later.
When I confronted her she said she hadn't let herself get emotionally involved, he kept saying I didn't have to worry because 'she' didn't want him, he told her that he didn't love me anymore and was only coming back because of the children. I think it's clear to all 3 of us that the only reason they aren't together is because she didn't let it happen, not because he didn't want it to.
It's been a couple of months and as far as he's concerned everything is just fine and I shouldn't be so sensitive. He told me if I can't feel his love for me I should get counseling.
He works away and his first night back at work after I had found out he contacted her to say sorry. I also know there have been other text from her since and one time I sent a message to her she replied to his phone obviously not realizing we were together at the time. I think it's pretty clear where his priorities are.
He says he's not in contact with her now and he will never do it again. But what if she decides she wants him after all? How am I ever supposed to feel safe again when he is working away? And how am I supposed to believe he really wants to be with me?

[mark mitchell]

Ohh this statement is all so true in every detail.
I've been there got the t shirt and paid a price.
My excuse was I wasn't listened to or understood by my partner at that time.

In a couple of situations I was right I was never going to be understood because of the lack of communication from the start, but other times and mostly, there was plenty of understanding towards me. So yes I feel a lot of regrets and hurt from "running away" self infliction and not thinking long term about my actions.
Best wishes mark

Dear Mark: Thanks for commenting on this. I know there are many more people who have been in your shoes--men and women!
Take Care-Lisa