How Do I Intervene in Other People’s Behaviors? Part II
Below are a few more tips on how to intervene in the bad behavior of others:
• Your father is emotionally abusive to your mother and has been for years. Every time you visit, he’s putting your mother down, ordering her around and snapping at her. You find yourself not wanting to go over. You also noticed that it takes you a couple of days to “detox” from that environment. What are your options?
o Hold a figurative mirror up to your dad: “Wow, Dad, that was mean. Do you hear how you talk to Mom?” (Low risk).
o Another low risk response would be: “Dad, did you mean to ask her if she would please bring you a drink of water?”
o A higher risk response would be to directly set a limit: “Dad, it’s not okay to tell Mom she’s stupid. And Mom, I hate watching you just take Dad’s treatment. As much as I love both of you, I’m realizing that I don’t like staying at your home because it’s too hard to watch you two interact for a prolonged period of time.” The next time I come to visit, I’m going to stay in a hotel. (Moderate risk)
o Finally, you can refuse to visit them together until your father can be respectful. “Mom and Dad, I love you both very much and want to see you both. However, I’m finding it difficult to be in the same room with the two of you together due to how you both are with each other. Dad, you treat Mom terribly and Mom you just sit there and take it. I realize this is your marriage and there’s nothing I can do about it, however, I don’t want to watch it anymore. From now on, I will no longer be coming over to visit the two of you together. I’m happy to have lunch with either one of you alone or to have one of you visit me at a time, but I’m no longer willing to just sit back and watch you two interact. If things change, I will be happy to revisit this decision.” (High risk)
In general, if you’re in an uncomfortable situation, pay attention to what exactly is making you uncomfortable. You also want to pay attention to what you’re feeling impelled to do—protect you, protect someone else, set a limit, draw attention to someone’s behavior, provide support, etc. For example, if someone at work is being mean to another colleague, you may think to yourself “That was cold” and feel pulled to either draw attention to the behavior (“Wow, Ann, that was really mean”) or provide support to your colleague (“Mary, don’t listen to her. You’ve done a great job on this project.”)
If we’re pulled to protect someone, sometimes just letting the offender know you’re watching will suffice. If that’s not enough to stop them, you will want to ramp up your move. For example, if you see a parent grabbing a child and yelling in their face, you can stop what you’re doing and draw the parent’s attention to you by standing close by and obviously looking at them. If they continue to be scary, stay calm and strong. Ask the parent if they need help (this may be jarring enough to get them to stop reacting and think). They’re likely to snap at you and tell you it’s none of your business. You can simply reply, “You’re getting pretty intense and intimidating to your child.” Stay calm and keep your responses short and on point (about the safety of the child). If they continue the behavior, either set a limit (“If you continue to grab your child and scream in their face I will call the police”) or move to ask for a manager and/or call the police if you feel the parent is truly unsafe. When intervening, however, start at the lowest level of intervention first and proceed from there. If they stop, move on—don’t lecture.
Regardless of what option you choose in any given situation, remember to be relational in your interactions. Yelling at someone is not going to help your case. Be clean on your end and regardless of what move you make, be sure you’re calm and centered in your approach.
Challenge: Tune in to your uncensored thoughts as guidance for how to intervene in an uncomfortable situation. Always remain calm and respectful and start at the lowest level of intervention first, increasing the level when necessary—still remaining respectful.
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Posted by: Seattle Dentist | May 17, 2011 at 07:16 AM