What’s Up With The Sex? Are The Days Of Monogamy Gone?

I recently was reading an article from today.com about a dating site for cheaters (http://tinyurl.com/4gp944u) and was struck by how sickened I felt reading it.  What was so sad, to me, were the stories about the people who are newly married, recently engaged or married for years with adoring children.  Apparently, people sign up on the site for the sole purpose of cheating.  The author went undercover to discern what type of person would be on this site.

A common excuse given for being on this site is either boredom or simply wanting sex.  There were men who had only been married two years, others who were engaged and another who said his wife was perfect, but he would cheat on anyone he was with. 

All I can say to this is:  If you have to lie, cheat and pretend you’re someone else in order to enjoy life—you have deeper issues than you may realize.  Constantly looking for your next “hit” is a losing game.  Regardless of whether or not that hit is alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex or the allure of sneaking around—your need to constantly have something distracting or exciting you is a problem.  When someone isn’t able to just be, they end up like a rat on a wheel -- constantly moving, yet going nowhere. 

These types of sites result in people living through fantasies.  They’re always looking for the next thrill and the high that comes from it.  They need the rush of adrenalin from fantasizing to be able to endure the boredom of watching their child’s soccer game or having dinner with their wives.  Normal life just isn’t enough for them.  I wonder if what they’re really running from is the feeling that they are not enough.  In my experience, they don’t want to feel any negative emotions and so they mask them with sex, secrets, cheating and lies.  How exciting!  How sad.

If you’re looking to spice up your life, stop looking to everyone else to entice you.  Instead start looking inward and figuring out why you’re never satisfied.  If you’re unhappy in your relationship, take ownership and take steps to fix it.  If you’re always bored, learn to sit in the quiet and enjoy the calm.  If you want sex with strangers—don’t get married.

When we lie, cheat or pretend we’re someone we’re not, it takes its toll on us.  We either begin to feel the hit on our sense of worth or we feel nothing.  When we feel nothing or justified about what we’re doing, we’ve lost our connection to humanity.  It’s a long, hard road back from this place.

Our children are inundated with constant messages that sex is nothing, that cheating is expected and that families fall apart.  As adults, we serve as role models to the next generation.  Our actions help create future generations.  Stop thinking your actions are okay when they leave a ripple effect of damage in their wake.  Histories in families have an uncanny way of being repeated from one generation to the next.  Don’t fool yourself into thinking that because you aren’t caught damage won’t occur.  It already is occurring.

Challenge: If you feel the need to cheat, stop pretending that you’re not harming anyone.  Your actions are like lighter fluid poured throughout a log cabin.  All it takes is one match to burn your entire house down.  I hope you are prepared to explain to your spouse and children how your choices destroyed their lives.

Comments

[Suzy]

Every time I read about a sex crime or find out my husband has looked at some form of pornography again, I am a little more turned off by sex in general. It is like a drug to some people. I have always leaned towards keeping a pure mind, I was taught that in church as a child that we should try to keep our minds pure by not exposing it to filth. I am a young person and you would not believe the crazy comments I get when I share this belief with people. I almost never watch R rated movies but I let my friends talk me into seeing Love and Other Drugs and I was appalled by this movie, then they call me a prude. Most people tell me we are animals who are not meant to be with one person our whole lives. I feel sorry for my children, I have no idea what kind of world they will grow up in.

[Craig R. Lang, Certified Hypnotherapist]

Hi Lisa,

I'm not surprised to see such websites arise. I have often heard people tell me how they are now very different people from who they were ten or twenty years ago when they got married. While marriage is for life, people change. Hence we see phenomena such as the seven-year itch, the midlife crisis, etc. And where there is a demand, there will inevitably be a supplier.

In our society, there is now a widespread message that such behavior is acceptable, that it is OK to "fudge a little bit," or to "love thy neighbor but don't get caught." The rules on the sanctity of marriage seem to have unraveled tremendously over the last 30-plus years.

IMHO, this certainly doesn't justify anything, but maybe it helps shed light on the issues affecting marriages. It tells us that depending upon individual circumstances, as both partners change throughout life the pressures on a marriage can become ever stronger. It also tells us how vital is the care and feeding of a marriage, how critical it is to address issues as soon as possible.

You are bulls-eye on in the statement that it is like pouring out lighter fluid in a log cabin. The potential is there to do tremendous damage. Yet it also shows us the depth of the pressure on marriages in the dynamic society in which we live.

Thank you for your article and your column,
-Craig