Taking The High Road: Revenge Is Seldom Worth It

It’s not at all uncommon for women (and people in general) to want to exact revenge on someone in their life who has “wronged” them.  If their husband had an affair, women often want to make him pay.  If they’re too scared of losing him as a result of their revenge or anger, they may try to make the “other woman” pay by calling her family up and informing them of the affair.  Some women may try to take every last penny they can get from their cheating spouse, make visiting the kids a near impossible feat or shout out from the rooftops what a louse this man is.  Revenge is often tempting in non-romantic relationships as well—in the workplace, between friends and among family members.

Countless people have revenge fantasies when they’ve been hurt, cheated or shamed.  The pain is often so intense that people don’t know what to do.  Because a woman often has an intense feeling of injustice and humiliation, she may want the other person to feel the pain she feels.  Sometimes this desire can consume her every waking thought and lead her to do things she never thought she’d do.  In the moment, she is certain that revenge will help relieve the pain.

Unfortunately, exacting revenge is often bittersweet.  Getting revenge may feel good for a moment, but that feeling seldom lasts.  When we try to hurt someone as they hurt us, we stoop to their level.  In our effort to get back at them, we end up hurting ourselves.  The “perpetrator” then ends up taking up more of our time and attention than they deserve.  Lowering our sense of integrity just to get even ends up chipping away a little part of us.  When we allow someone’s behavior to lead us to do something that we wouldn’t normally do, we give him or her too much power.  Why give them that power?

Take the high road.  Keep yourself together, stay calm and grounded and be determined to not give in to revenge.  It seldom leads to a positive conclusion.  Decide what you want to do.  Think about what would be in your long-term best interest.  Don’t think about immediate gratification, revenge or causing pain in an effort to get your pride back or not feeling humiliated.  The original deed has already been done and no amount of revenge will undo that.  Take care of you and let the other person sit in the aftereffects of their behavior.  The more you take the high road, the more they will have to deal with their choices…and the better you will feel on a soul level.

Challenge: When you find yourself thinking about exacting revenge on someone, make sure you also think about the long-term ramifications of that revenge.  Imagine what you will feel like days, weeks and months later.  Think about how you would feel if others find out what you did.  Take time to think about what it would feel like to take the high road.now and six months from now.  Often decisions made in the heat of the moment cause a lifetime of regret.  Is it worth it?

Comments

[SH]

It may depend on the difference between revenge and closure.
What about the betrayed wife who cuts up the adulterous husbands's suits or keys his precious sports car. The response is often "It felt good". It's about taking back some control, causing some pain or sense of loss for the original perpetrator. Better a suit or two than the wife hurting themselves or another person.
Doing nothing should not mean continue to tolerate abuse or unacceptable behaviour. Doing something might mean taking the decision to end a friendship or relationship and telling the person why, rather than staying silent and taking revenge in other ways. Cutting someone out of your life and telling them it was due to their unacceptable behaviour hits home harder than manure on the doorstep.

[Melbourne Counsellor]

I agree, revenge is seldom worth it! Sometimes it's our first impulse. Understanding the stages of what people go through when they find out about an affair can help. I'm a couples' counsellor and I've written a blog about that here. Find out where your desire for revenge comes from and what you can do instead.