Women Who Go After Attached Men

I was reading an article about single women interested in attached men.  I’m disgusted by what I read (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-bytes/201201/women-and-mate-poaching).

According to Psychology Today author John Buri, “When presented bio information along with a photo of a relatively attractive man, fewer than 60% of the women surveyed were interested in pursuing this man if he was NOT currently attached.  But if this man was already in a committed  romantic relationship, 90% of the single women expressed a strong desire to pursue him.”
Buri goes on to report that, “When asked why they were particularly attracted to attached men, single women responded:
-  "Revenge - what goes around comes around."
-  "To see if I can - I love a good challenge."
-  "It's exciting - you're in the hunt."
-  "Because I can - and once I do, it's an ego boost."
-  "Because he's already been tested - he's pre-approved."

Women, really?  If you are looking for a man who is already in a serious relationship you have some personal work to do.  The thrill of the hunt is a callous, superficial way to live your life…and it certainly isn’t serving you any more than it is the marriages and families you are breaking up.  First off, if you are truly going after a man who is in a committed relationship, then even when you “get” him, you don’t “have” him.  If he’s going to cheat on “her,” he’s going to cheat on you...if he even leaves her...which they seldom do.  If you’re just going after him for the “hunt,” then pat yourself on the back that you “got” him and then celebrate your victory…alone?  How internally rewarding is that?  Either way you’re by yourself.  How does that help you? 

It seems to me you could do so much better for yourself than chasing men who are unavailable just so you can avoid intimacy.  If it’s revenge you’re trying to get, isn’t your target a bit mis-aligned?  How does going after some strange man help you exact revenge on the men who hurt you?  It doesn’t.  It’s just your silly way of justifying your actions.  And it’s an incredibly unhealthy way of trying to heal from your pain.  Do yourself a favor—get real help.  Get into therapy to work through your intimacy issues.  Stop destroying relationships and then patting yourself on the back for doing so.  That’s a bit sadistic, not cool.  You deserve better than that and so do the people you unabashedly target.

If you find yourself frequently going after attached men, it may be time for you to look at and deal with the underlying issues.  No one does that from a healthy place—no matter how much they try to convince others otherwise.  There’s obvious wounding from your past that needs to be worked through.  Do yourself a favor and stop the game-playing and do the work you need to do to enjoy your life at a much higher level.  You deserve better than to always be someone’s “second.”  You also deserve better than to be hated by half the female population because somewhere along the line you lost your compassion for humanity.  Get it back—it will change your life…and in the right way, for a change.

Challenge:  If you’re one of those women trying to win over men who are already attached, take stock with what’s truly going on for you.  Even when you “win” them, you’re still alone.  Stop thinking so little of yourself and others.  Stop the game-playing and invest in your healing.  It will be the best investment you’ve ever made.

Comments

[Maria]

Those of you who believe that the blame always lies with the man, please stop being so naive. I would never have thought that a woman would deliberately go for a married man, until it I exerienced it first hand. My husband is an attractive, Young businessman who has always had attention from women, but he never seemed to care. He would never flirt with or talk about other women, not even to his mates. Shortly after starting a ne job, a very attactive young co-worker work laid it on heavy with him and kept offering him no-strings-attached sex. It was plain to see for everyone that she was after him. His colleagues even warned me about her. My husband said he was aware of it, but that he could handle it. At alcohol fuelled work event, however, he gave in and had sex with her. He felt guilty and tried to keep it from me, but in doing so he got in deeper with her, and she threatened to tell me if he broke off with her. Eventually he broke it off with her and confessed to me, after which she went absolutely psycho and started harrassing both him and me with txt-messages and emails. Obviously, our relationship is in tatters now, and I dont know where to go from here. He is genuinely shocked that he was lured in by her, and I feel both disgust and pity for him. This is just a word of warning to any wives out there, don't think your man is safe just because he is not a womaniser. If a woman is persistent enough, she can almost always get what she wants.

[Mimi]

I believe this article is perpetuating the myth that women 'go after' married or attached men.

The truth is that these men often aggressively pursue single women until they break them down over months or even years of pursuit.

I am a very attractive single woman and unfortunately, I attract a LOT of married and/or attached men. I have NEVER pursued a relationship with any of them, they have ALL, each and every single one of them, aggressively pursued me. I did not break down, despite the often difficult temptation, however, I can definitely side with the poor women who do.

It's hard to be alone, sometimes extremely hard. It is even more difficult when you have an attractive man that you have chemistry with day in and day out in hot pursuit of you and giving you the impression that his marriage is about to end, playing with your mind.

Lucky for me I've been able to resist for all the reasons stated in the article above, I will not be second and I won't be played for a fool. I would advise any woman in this position to do the same.

My main point is stop blaming single women, its the men who are far more often doing wrong to both their wife and the poor victim they pursue many times by lying.

If the girl is young and gullible she is in for a hellish ride.

It's time to put the blame firmly where it belongs, on the men who pursue these relationships. Very rarely are these men pursued by women and even if they are, they are still very much at fault. Most wives probably are in denial of that fact.

[Ian]

This is Ian , Vanessa's husband. Adam since you have the total wrong opinion of me let me advise you that I have been very much in love and happily married for 25 years and my wife is my life. I , like millions of other married men have never cheated ever and never will, I also have no interest in ever going out without my wife , we are each others other halves and consider ourselves " one" . I am middle aged and do what I want. Everything you " thought "about me is actually the exact opposite and by the way, this article was about something which is very wrong so no need to try to find fault with a perfectly genuine love and loyal relationship like ours.

[Adam]

Vanessa you say how gutless these men who cheat are but you seem to have a problem with your husband going to any event with workmates outside working hours. Doesn't seem like you'd have much confidence in him if he was to go! I am single, I attend most work events but make a rule for myself not to get involved with anybody I work with, and indeed I never have, however tempted. Does your husband have difficulty with temptation? It sounds like this could be the case although i could be wrong it seems by what you've wrote like he stays away for fear of an affair 'happening' if you weren't invited?

[Suzanne McGee]

My husband been having an affair with his mates ex wife for 3 years.
I have lived a life of hell for 8 months due to her mind games and not leaving us alone when trying to fix our marriage.
She blames me for having been a crap wife and she's done nothing wrong.Yes hubby to blame also but she even thought it was fine to send me a 2 hour sex tape which of course did wonders for me.

[Vanessa Rudman]

I TOO AM TOTALLY DISGUSTED, THERE APPEARS TO BE VERY LITTLE RESPECT FOR FAMILY LIFE AND IN PARTICULAR, MARRIAGE. FORTUNATELY MY HUSBAND AVOIDS ALL SOCIAL EVENTS IN THE WORKPLACE, DOES HIS JOB AND TURNS DOWN LUNCHES, DRINKS, ETC. HE NEVER ATTENDS OFFICE FUNCTIONS WITH THE CHILDISH '' GET TO KNOW YOUR WORK MATE'S WITH FREE DRINKS'' ETC, EVERYBODY KNOWS VERY WELL WHO THEY WORK WITH AND DOES NOT EVER NEED TO 'GET TO KNOW THEM OVER DRINKS ETC'. I MENTION THIS POINT BECAUSE THIS PARTICULAR PRACTICE IN THE WORKPLACE IS WHAT IS DESTROYING MARRIAGES AND RELATIONSHIPS. IT IS HIGH TIME COMPANIES ADOPTED A RESPECT FOR MARRIAGE AND FAMILY ATTITUDE AND BANNED ALL ALCOHOL RELATED EVENTS AND THAT THEY OPENLY INVITE SPOUSES/PARTNERS ETC TO ALL FUNCTIONS UNLESS IT IS A QUICK TEA AND CAKE EVENT DURING OFFICE HOURS. ANY WOMEN WHO FLIRTS WITH A MARRIED MAN IS A TOTAL DISGUSTING DISGRACE TO THE WORD "WOMAN" AND ANY MARRIED MAN WHO CANNOT TELL THEM TO GET LOST IS ALSO A DISGUSTING USELESS GUTLESS PERSON AND IS NOT A ''MAN'' AT ALL BUT A DISGRACE

[Priscilla]

I agree with Candy. Also, married men need to know what kind of woman pursues a married man. That alone should give him courage for a resounding "NO!" Do men think they have to take advantage of an offer from a woman? They don't.
--Priscilla

[Cathy]

Thank you for your directness and clear view of the damage to self and others when women pursue attached men. I have learned the hard way that therapy is the best medicine to help me get real about what was missing in my marriage and how I could do my part for better intimate communication versus seeking an escape. Listen to Lisa! She is right on and we have to look hard at ourselves to create the healthy relationships that we desire.

[Candy]

This really should be directed to men. I see a lot more men going after a married woman, even if she herself tells them she is married, they do not seem to hear that part. Plus the article stated 90% of SINGLE women going after MARRIED MEN, the fact she is SINGLE, and He is married says something about HIM, if he does not stop the flirtation from going any further. She is not the one married he is: therefore if that marriage breaks up because she made a pass to a married guy and He was too weak or on an ego trip and accepted her advances he is the one that needs counsel (BIG TIME). HE needs to learn he is a married man. The one that suffers is HIS wife and family, not the single gal or the married man, but the spouse of that man. The single gal moves on-- the married man may or may not stay married, but the wife and children will always be the ones that got the bad end of the game her husband played. IT isn't that single women find married men more attractive, it is the fact that they are attracted to whomever will accept their affection married or not. If a single woman came on to a married man and he shunned her or told her to get lost, she definitely would NOT be attracted to him,-- she would move away as fast as possible and tell other women what a jerk he was .

Dear Candy: You are absolutely right that men need to hear the same thing...and that does not let women off the hook. Just because a woman is single does not mean it's okay to go after a married man. Leaving it up to the married man to say no is treading on dangerous water. How about women taking the high road and not being with a guy who would do that to his family? Women can't stop the men--only the men can do that. Women can however stop ourselves from going down a path that will only lead to heartache and a lot of pain for many people.
Thanks for your views!
Lisa