What’s Required From the Betraying Partner In Order To Heal From An Affair?

Over the years I have worked with hundreds of couples impacted by affairs and have found that there are 5 components that are necessary in the healing process.  Without one of these components, the odds of healing are greatly reduced.   Although many couples would love to simply forget about the affair and move on, in my experience this seldom if ever works:  “That which we don’t look at, is destined to repeat itself”.  Wanting to move past an affair is particularly tempting for the partner who did the betrayal and is by far the worst move that person can do.

If you’re serious about healing from an affair, then hunker down and do the work that is necessary to build a solid foundation—otherwise move on and save yourself and your partner years of pain.

Hunkering down means you get serious about the healing and incorporate the following 5 components into your repair work with your partner:
1.    Be remorseful. True remorse is a prerequisite for healing from an affair.  The betraying partner has to genuinely be sorry for his/her decision to have an affair and directly state this to their partner with no if’s, ands or buts added to the apology.  Remorse shows up not only in the words you speak but the energy in which you speak them and in the actions you take that backs those words up.
2.    Be accountable.  If you had an affair, do not blame your actions on your partner, your marriage or your affair partner.  Be accountable for your choice to cheat. Own your actions 100% and do not excuse them.  If your marriage was bad, you had the right to fix it, set limits on it, get professional help, separate or to leave; you did not have the right to break a commitment and cheat.

3.     Cut off all interactions.  Zero interactions with the affair partner via e-mail, text, phone or in person are absolutely necessary for healing to occur.  If the affair partner was someone you worked with, healing takes longer if you continue to work together.  Minimum rules include no correspondence outside of work, no one-on-one lunches/meetings or late night projects and all work correspondence from or to your affair partner (that is not confidential for work) should be BCC’d to your partner. 
4.     Open up your life: A willingness to open up your life for a period of time to include total transparency with e-mails, phone, texts etc., is strongly advised.  If you’ve been unfaithful you’ve rocked the trust in your relationship and it is your job to show that you are trustworthy—it is not your partner’s job to just “let it go” and trust what you say.  Your partner would crazy to trust you—you’ve already shown that you will and do lie.  You have to earn their trust by allowing them to look through your e-mail, cell phone etc. If you have nothing to hide, transparency shouldn’t be a problem for you.  As your actions and words line up, you can go back to a normal level of privacy (which is never-by the way-zero access to phone or e-mail).
5.    Share the details.  A willingness to have honest conversations about many of the details regarding the affair/betrayal is vital to healing.  You have likely been lying to your partner for a long time and they have the right to know what’s been really going on.  Some of the details they will need, include:
a.    How long the affair went on.
b.    The times you lied about where you were (i.e. trips you went on, meetings you made up etc.)
c.    Whether the relationship was sexual. (NOTE: Be honest about whether or not it was sexual,                however, do not get into sexual details).
d.    Share about how it started, why you had an affair and what your feelings are for the person.

If you are trying to heal from an affair then doing anything short of the above five components will make healing nearly impossible. Know that it takes 3-5 years to heal from an affair so do not rush the process.  The better you own your piece, act trustworthy and reassure your partner when s/he gets triggered, the quicker the healing process will be.

Challenge:  Own your mistake, be honest in your story, be willing to talk about the affair with your partner and do whatever you need to do to reassure your partner that s/he can trust you to be faithful now and in the future.

Comments

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This statement is proving to be more true than I could have ever hoped! Thank you AA!

[Christian Rodriguez]

where do I start, Ummm not everything is "the man's fault' and yes men do get cheated on and abused and all the things that happen to "us". When women ask for womens lib, that doesnt necessarily mean they need to leave everyone elses rights out. I cant tell you how hard it has been to file a restraining order and how biased child protective services has been towards me after I called about an abuse that transpired towards my daughter by spouse. I have been treated so poorly since I have gotten home from my deployment....