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June 20, 2012

Tired Of Feeling Like Others Aren’t Listening? 5 Tips To Being Heard

IStock_0couplearguingllThere are few things more frustrating in relationships than not being heard.  I’m not talking about having others literally hear your words and regurgitate what you said; I’m talking about really hearing you.  For women, in particular, being heard is one of the most important things they want in their relationships.  Women want to feel as though the people in their lives get them—even if they disagree with them.

Because this issue is so paramount for women, they can often almost desperately go after the often-elusive quest to be heard with a vengeance.  When this happens, women end up repeating their message again and again and again (I.e. You never listen to me. You’re still not listening to me. You don’t listen.)  They can repeatedly bring up past issues any time a new pain surfaces that shows any resemblance to a past pain they don’t feel was heard or resolved (I.e. “You never show me any kind of affection. Even on our wedding day you couldn’t hold my hand for more than a minute. Today, I tell you I’m sad and need a hug and you rigidly stand there and do nothing”). Some women will resort to crying repeatedly and almost begging the person to hear them.  Whatever the mode of choice, the results are almost always the same—the other person just doesn’t get it.

In order to reverse this incredibly frustrating dynamic, women have to change their moves.  The onus is on the women to change simply because they’re the ones in the most pain AND they’re the only ones they have control of.  They cannot control whether others listen; they can control, however, how they speak. Below are 5 tips to increasing your chance of being heard:

1.    Speak less, act more.  If you have complained about the same thing time and again, then stop repeating yourself and start standing behind yourself.  Show with your actions what your words were trying to speak.
2.    Laser it.  The old saying, “Less is more”, is absolutely true.  Do not bury your message in a thousand words.  Don’t beat around the bush, give countless examples or incessantly go on about an issue.  Say it straight in a clear and direct way and then let it go and allow your actions to back you up.
3.    Stay grounded. Find your GPS (grounded powerful strength) and stay calm, grounded and strong. Do not act like a crazy person in an attempt to be heard. No matter how frustrated you are, when you start yelling and screaming the other person simply thinks you’re crazy and will tune you out.
4.    Keep it together.  Do not collapse in tears, beg or plead to be heard. If you have to resort to such desperate measures, then look at why you’re so plugged into this person as well as whether this person is healthy for you (one of you is off). Do not allow yourself to fall apart because of another person’s actions or lack of actions. Trust that you can handle things and don’t allow another person to rock you.
5.    Be clear.  In their frustration or out of fear, women often send mixed messages and then get upset that they didn’t get what they asked for.  Get clear about what you’re asking for, state it and don’t change it, mix it up or water it down

When others seemingly are not listening, get more grounded and centered not reactive, whiney or long-winded.  Find your GPS and use it in your interactions.  Get clarity about the issue, know what you’re asking for and be willing to back your words up with grounded actions. If you do everything you can on your end and they’re still not listening—know that they hear you.  They’re just choosing to do nothing about it.

Challenge: Look over the list above and take note of the points that you struggle with and clean those up.  If the other person is still not listening then stop speaking and start taking action.


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This is excellent advice-- wish a lot of us women could do this, we know that we are winded so to speak, and because we feel that issues are not getting resolved because they happen again and again, we bring up old issues again and again,trying to make our point. Men usually do not get it because number one, they really do not listen,even if you are short and to the point,men have a tendency to say, they do not remember you saying that,or why did you not tell me you wished I would help out more.. I have found after 40 years of marriage men like guy things and will go on for hours about guy stuff, they remember the price of a car they liked, even if it was years ago, but will not remember to put dishes in the dishwasher, which you have repeated to him every week. They do tune a women out. Women on the other hand remember most everything , kids school programs , doctors appointments, there own and there partners. Men expect it and women do it. Women get upset and Men say they are sorry and will do better,only the better part lasts about a week, then it is goes back to the way it was. The article is good advice but the stop speaking and start taking action will end up sending one to a divorce lawyer trying to figure out just what the problem is.The guy saying I am sorry ,I will do better, which happens for a short time only to find yourself one again repeating yourself.

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