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November 05, 2013

Getting The Spark Back…Requires Getting Real, Not Wild

IStock_000014629447XSmallI get countless e-mails from people saying they or their partner lost the spark in their relationship and they want to know how to get it back. Part of the problem, though, for many couples that say they lost the “spark,” is that they start with a fantasy notion of relationships. Many people expect their relationships to forever maintain the passion of new beginnings. Too many people believe in Hollywood’s notion of great relationships --  always hot, passionate, full of butterflies and the constant hum of utter infatuation. First off, no relationship can sustain that constant level of perfection—it’s unrealistic and total fantasy. So, if you’re looking for that “spark,” then you’d better re-adjust your compass…or continually start new relationships throughout your life.

If, however, what you’re looking for is a deeper connection, filled with love, support, fun and an ability to make it through tough times, then by all means let’s find that spark. Know, however, that getting the spark back is a process, not an event.

Below are simple ways to re-ignite the connection and “spark:”

  1. Be cherishing. Treat your partner as though you cherish her/him. Say kind things, do kind acts and be loving. Don’t expect that just co-existing is enough. Don’t assume that just being in this relationship shows that you want to be there; it doesn’t. Act like you want to be there. Act like you’re happy to be with your partner on a daily basis.
  2. Laugh often/be playful. Part of getting the spark back is enjoying being with your partner. Lighten up, smile, joke, tease…HAVE FUN! Don’t make everything so serious and don’t be a wet blanket in life. Try new things, watch funny movies, tell silly jokes and learn to let go of the critiquing, complaining, demanding, etc., for at least pockets of time. No one wants to hang out with Scrooge.
  3. Be authentic. It’s nearly impossible to feel the spark with someone you can’t trust. Be your genuine self, answer questions honestly, do what you say you’re going to do and be reliable. If your partner can’t trust you, then he/she won’t be able get or feel close to you.  
  4. Share yourself. Intimacy means, “Into me you see.” Share your thoughts, fears, excitements, struggles, opinions and joys with your partner. If you’re in an intimate relationship, the intimacy should not only be happening in the bedroom. The spark is not just about physical chemistry. Physical connection is great, however it will only take you so far. If there’s no emotional connection…eventually there is no spark either.  
  5. Be supportive. Have your partner’s back. Do your best to support their dreams, give them a shoulder to lean on, tell them you believe in them, etc. Too many couples harp on the negatives and stress all the reasons why things won’t work. Start changing your lens to one of appreciation, solution, partnering and friendship rather than criticism, the devil’s advocate or the naysayer. 

When it comes to “finding the spark,” the bottom line is that the “spark” is about intimacy—that sense of physical and emotional connection that feels good to come home to. It’s not about hot sex, constant attraction or being unable to keep your hands off each other, all of which wax and wane in even the best of relationships. If you want that hot sex kind of spark then become a serial dater because that’s the only way you will sustain it. If, however, you want a truly rockin’ relationship, then dare to cherish, share, be playful, genuine and yes… supportive. Do all of these with a good heart and ask of your partner the same. If that doesn’t get the spark back then perhaps it wasn’t truly there in the first place.

Challenge: Look over the list above and make an honest assessment of how you have been in your relationship. Clean up the parts you have not done well and hold your partner to the same expectations. Become someone it feels good to come home to.





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