10 Ways To Earn Trust In Your Relationship

Mistrust is a common problem in many relationships for many reasons: affairs, lies, jealousy, poor behavior etc.  Once mistrust is present, it’s very difficult to get trust back.  Without trust, many relationships won’t make it. 

If you would like to earn back your partner’s trust, make sure you’re doing all the things below on a daily basis over a long period of time (several months minimum).  Be certain that you are doing these things with a good heart and not from a place of resentment.

1.    Be where you say you’re going to be.  Don’t avoid a difficult conversation by omitting one of your stops on your journey.  
2.    Be on time or call well advance if you will be late.  Even those times when you’re late make sure it’s reasonable.  Coming home at 3am from a party your partner was nervous about in the first place is not reasonable.
3.    Be moderate with your reactions.  If every time something happens you freak out, then your loved ones will avoid being honest out of fear of what you’ll do.  Chill out, stay centered and don’t over-react.
4.    Answer questions without being defensive.  If you’ve been caught in lies before, this one is especially important.  Just answer the question asked without attacking the person asking it.
5.    Have nothing to hide.  If you have nothing to hide, don’t act like you do.  Allow your partner access to your phone, e-mail or whatever if you’ve broken trust.   This won’t be necessary forever but is necessary after affairs.

Sexual Promiscuity and Its Ramifications in Relationships

  

One man has been having an affair for several months.  When his wife questioned him, he admitted to the affair and told her there was nothing she could do about it.  He subsequently went away every weekend with his mistress with no shame or remorse.  Upon his return home after each weekend, he would frequently speak to his lover on the phone in front of his children.  Obviously his children soon began to question him.  When asked what he thought the impact of his behavior was on his children, he said he was certain “they would get over it and be fine.” 

Another couple has been swinging for the past two years and is upset that their children found out.  The children are repulsed and not speaking to either of their parents.  While still a third couple has been swapping partners with their close friends on Saturday nights.  Shockingly (sarcasm here) the husband found out his wife and best friend have been having an affair outside of the Saturday “swaps”. 

I could go on with endless stories, but you get the picture.  Couples are becoming more and more promiscuous with little remorse.  In fact, many swingers, cheaters and porn addicts are justifying their positions.  Some people say humans aren’t meant to be monogamous, several say they’re unhappy in their marriages and they deserve to be happy, others say they have a high need for sex and on and on.

TRUST IN RELATIONSHIPS: ARE YOU TRUSTWORTHY?

The issue of trust comes up with many of the couples I work with.  Some couples have been impacted by an affair, others by an overly-jealous partner, and others by unhealthy habits that would spark anyone’s mistrust radar.  Other than the extreme jealous types, mistrust rears it’s head typically because...there’s reason to be mistrustful.

 

Too many people think their partner should have blind trust in them.  They believe that if they haven’t done anything wrong — or been caught doing anything wrong — then trust should be a given.  Some people believe that even if they have been caught doing something wrong they should be trusted if they say they’ve stopped.  All I can say about this is — it’s crazy thinking.  Just because you haven’t been caught doing anything big (e.g. having an affair) or you tell your partner you’re not doing anything wrong, doesn’t mean you’re trustworthy.

 

The only way to be trusted is…to act trustworthy -- even when no one else is around.  If you are doing any of the behaviors below, you are not acting trustworthy and will likely elicit mistrust from your partner.

 

·     *  Lying about anything.  This includes lies of omission in which you don’t offer the complete truth about something. 

·      * Flirting with others, either in the presence of your partner (which is very rude and disrespectful to them) or doing so when they are not with you.

·      * Sending racy jokes or provocative e-mails to co-workers or others.  Provocative includes talking about how they look, saying you wish you saw them more, signing it with a signature that implies there’s more than a work relationship.

·      * Blocking all access to your computer, e-mails or cell phone and claiming it’s because you DESERVE your privacy.  If you have nothing to hide, what do you care if your partner takes a look?

·      * Being unreachable for long periods of time (occasionally forgetting to turn on your cell phone is fine, but trust me, that gets old fast). 

·      * Getting defensive when your partner asks you a question about where you were or what you’re doing (unless your partner is the excessively jealous and controlling type).

·      * Frequently staying on the computer late into the night and after your partner goes to bed.

·      * Suddenly no longer wearing your wedding band.

·     *  Going on a trip with someone of the opposite sex (or same sex if homosexual) against your partner’s wishes.

·     * Dismissing your partner’s concerns, fears or requests regarding your interactions or friendship with a potential romantic partner.

 

There are many ways people raise suspicions in a relationship.  If trust is an issue in your relationship, look at your actions first before blaming your partner for being ridiculous.  Be honest, respectful of your relationship and act with integrity always.  Stop the lies of omission, flirting and secrecy and act trustworthy in all you do.  If your partner still doesn’t trust you, then decide what steps you need to take to address the jealousy/mistrust — but always first look at your side.

 

CHALLENGE: If mistrust is an issue in your relationship, scan the list above and see which, if any, of the above are present.  Address the behaviors that are leading to the mistrust with your partner and see if anything shifts.

A NOTE ABOUT AFFAIRS: REMORSE IS MANDATORY FOR HEALING TO OCCUR

 
 I’ve been receiving e-mails from men regarding their partners having affairs.  The message to men is the same as it is for women: you deserve to be in a loving relationship with someone who treats you well.  If your partner has an affair, the only way to begin the healing is if your partner is willing to repair the damage. 

Repairing the damage requires that the person who had the affair first and foremost is remorseful.  Yikes—do I really have to say this?  Please—men and women alike—if your partner is not remorseful after having an affair, your relationship is dead unless they get remorseful.  Partners who justify or blame their partners for their straying will NOT make good partners.  That is ludicrous. 

Here’s the rule: no remorse—no healing.  If your partner is not remorseful for the pain they caused DO NOT TRUST THEM.  Get into couples work.  If your partner is not remorseful and refuses couples work--then walk.  Really--walk fast. 

Lack of remorse is a major indicator of an on-going affair or a high probability of another affair in the future.  Do not allow your fear and/or desperation to keep you in a relationship that is unhealthy. 

There must be remorse for any healing to take place.  Learn to recognize what is and is not remorse.  True remorse can be seen and felt.  You will also see it through their actions.  When someone is remorseful, they are willing to do whatever’s necessary to repair the damage they did.  They will make sure to answer your calls to help reassure you that they are where they said they would be.  They’re willing to talk to a professional to help you process what happened.  They’re willing to open their e-mail and cell phone to you for a period of time, if that’s what you need.  They’re willing to sit with you and hold you when you get triggered about the affair. 

Are you getting the gist of what remorse looks like?  Hearing the words I’m sorry is not remorse.  You should FEEL it.  Do not settle for just the words.

If your partner is not remorseful for betraying you—your relationship is in trouble.  If they’re justifying their affair because of how you are as a spouse—your relationship is in trouble.

CHALLENGE:  If your partner is not remorseful for their affair or justifies it because of your behavior, insist on seeing a professional who is strong enough to hold your partner (and yourself, when necessary) accountable directly and unequivocally.  If they refuse, know that the future of your relationship does not look bright.  Have the strength to take care of yourself and get the help you need to do that.

FAMOUS PEOPLE AND AFFAIRS: THE LESSONS THEY’VE TAUGHT US

When it comes to extra-marital affairs, famous people are an endless source of learning.  Their mistakes have much to teach us.  If we pay attention, their affairs can save us from the same pain, humiliation and hurtful relationship moves they’ve had to endure.  For what we can learn from their mistakes, I thank them.  I’m sorry, however, that their families have had to bear the brunt of these painful events.

Let’s start the learning process. 

Lesson 1:  Affairs can happen to anyone; no one is immune.  John Edwards is a classic example of this lesson.  Many people—including his wife—never thought he was capable of an affair.  He appeared to be the nice, boy-next-door type of guy; a rare breed in politics.  His wholesome appearance led many to think he was above affairs.  This is dangerous thinking.  Everyone is capable – and potentially culpable.

Where did John go wrong?  He didn’t protect his marriage (as so many of us don’t).  Although we could say this about all politicians who have affairs, John is a particularly good example of this.  While he didn’t go out looking for an affair, he certainly didn’t do anything to stop it when his mistress came at him.  John’s first meeting with his mistress was one BIG red flag.  As soon as she greeted him with, “Man you’re good-looking!” he should’ve run.  When he realized that he felt good when she said that—he should’ve sprinted.

AFFAIRS AND THE OTHER WOMAN: LIES OTHER WOMEN TELL THEMSELVES

With all the hype about Tiger Woods and the alleged other women, I thought I'd address affairs from a different angle.  Below are myths that many of the other women in the world believe.  While I understand how and why they believe these stories, let me be clear that they are all MYTHS.

1.    I’m his true love.  You may feel like his true love, however chances are his wife was also his true love at first.  Most relationships are intimate and great in the beginning—your affair is no different.  Affairs are easy to be intimate in -- you don’t have the demands of kids, jobs, finances, keeping things interesting after being together for ten years, etc.   
2.    His wife is cold and doesn’t know how to keep him happy.  His wife is not the cold, frigid witch that you may think she is or that he may paint her to be.  I know many married couples who were having sex throughout the man’s affair and reported being happy with one another.  Not everything the man tells you is true.  More often than not, he’s lying to you the same way he’s lying to his wife; you’re no different.  I can’t tell you how many other women were hurt to find out that their lover and his wife were still having sex.  The other women were shocked to find out that the men were lying to them too.  Don’t think you’re above his lies—you’re not.  Be careful about thinking his wife is a cold witch because some day he’s likely to say the same about you.

AFFAIRS—STOP EXCUSING THEM AND GET BACK IN INTEGRITY

I’m shocked by all the single people who get involved with married men and women.  What are you thinking?  Actually, why are you NOT thinking?  Unless the married person lied about his/her marital status…they are OFF LIMITS.  This is not only for their family’s sake but for your sake as well.  Getting involved with a married person keeps you out of any potentially healthy relationship, keeps you in a one down position and serves as a buffer for any true commitment.  Look at your commitment issues and not married men/women.

If they lied and you later discovered their lie…they are OFF LIMITS.  If the person is willing to have an affair on his/her spouse, he/she is likely to do the same to you.  Stop thinking you are different.  Many married people claim their marriage is miserable yet act to their partner as if it’s fine.  Affairs are destroying families and if you’re having one, you are as well—regardless of what story your affair partner is telling you. 

I’m equally taken aback at the number of married people having an affair.  Stop justifying your actions and step in and deal with your marriage.  Regardless of the situation in your marriage, having an affair is not the answer.  Affairs set up countless issues for everyone involved, particularly for the innocent children rocked by the after damage.

BACKLASH TO PROTECTING YOUR MARRAIGE FROM AFFAIRS POST: NO ONE-ON-ONE IS A BIT EXTREME...Isn't it?

Obviously my post on Making Your Relationship An Affair-Free Zone has struck a chord.

L.Knowlan commented:

"This is the most narrow-minded old-paradigm advice I have read in a while.  This puts so much pressure on the spouse / partner to be everything that most relationships will be doomed to failure.  If you aren't secure enough in your commitment to have other friends of the opposite sex, then perhaps you shouldn't be married."

CHAIR22202 wrote: "...That's plain insecurity speaking! A relationship is either working or not working...”

Perhaps I should have been clearer:  Having an occasional lunch, cup of coffee or the like with a person of the opposite sex is fine.  However, the key word here is occasional.  Occasional does not mean every other week or even once a month.  This should be the exception and not the rule.

Is this insecurity speaking?  Ask the thousands of people who've had affairs how they started.  It is a myth that affairs happen only in couples that are unhappy.  Again, ask the people who've had them if all of them were unhappy in their marriages.  Although many would say yes, many others would say no.  Some affairs happen because the right set of circumstances developed between the right set of people--neither of whom were protecting their relationships from the possibility of an affair; they didn't think they had too!

MAKING YOUR RELATIONSHIP AN AFFAIR-FREE ZONE

I continually get couples into my office following an affair, in the midst of an affair, on the brink of an affair or in the early stages of a potential affair.

These affairs or potential affairs are…killing marriages.

Those of us in committed relationships need to stop playing with fire.  If we play with fire enough, eventually we will get burned.  Here are four ways that people in committed relationships play with potential affair fires:

1. They go out, alone, with a person of the opposite sex (or same sex if you’re gay).  “Going out” does not just refer to a date or to dinner.  It can also include: breakfast, a cup of coffee, a drink, dinner or a snack.  The bottom line is -- when you go out individually with someone of the opposite sex (who is not a blood relative), you are opening yourself up for potential feelings, friendships and attractions.  It’s best to avoid this risk whenever possible.  Bottom Line:  going out one-on-one with a person of the opposite sex is a BAD idea. (NOTE:  The occasional meeting is fine...but I mean occasional.  It should be the exception not the rule).

MY PARTNER HAD AN AFFAIR AND NOW I’VE LOST ALL RESPECT FOR HIM/HER. IS IT POSSIBLE TO GET IT BACK?

On my Straight Talk Live call today one person asked, “Is it possible to ever respect your partner again after an affair.”  This was such an interesting question because, as the caller stated, most of the information about healing from an affair is about trust not respect.  The truth is the two often go hand in hand.

It’s very common for the betrayed partner to lose respect for the offending partner following an affair.  Common statements by betrayed partners include:

• “I just didn’t think my wife was that kind of person.”
• “He had everyone fooled, I guess.  I suppose his true colors finally came out.”
• “He’s not the person I thought I married.”
• “We obviously don’t have the same values anymore.  I can’t even bear to look at her.”