SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO? GETTING OUT OF LIMBO IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Unfortunately many people struggle to land in their relationships.  What I mean by land, is they stay ambivalent about being in it and subsequently they neither work the relationship to get it better nor leave it to move on:  in essence they stay in limbo.  By neither committing nor leaving, they end up wasting precious years of their lives. 

 

I found a great book about making the decision to end your relationship or work it titled:  Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum.  If you’re trapped in the endless cycle of weighing the pros and cons of staying versus going then stop that ineffective dance and get this book.

 

This book is a great tool to help those who truly want to…land.  The author systematically asks the reader to address one question at a time (which she calls guidelines).  With each answer the author tells the reader what the statistics show regarding the happiness of people who stayed in the relationship with that issue versus those who left the relationship with that issue.  For example, one of her questions has to do with whether or not you genuinely like your partner (and vice versa).  If the answer is no, she tells you whether you’re likely to be happier staying or going…based on other people who left/stayed with that same answer.  There are thirty six guidelines that, if answered honestly, should help you out of the quagmire of should I stay or should I go?  

CHANGE IN RELATIONSHIPS: IS IT POSSIBLE? IF SO, HOW DO I TELL IF MY PARTNER’S PROMISES (AND CHANGES) ARE REAL?

This must be the month of make ups?  People keep asking me what they should do in response to their partner saying s/he is willing to change and wants to work on things.  Some are doubtful their partner is capable of change, others are worried the change won’t last since this isn’t the first time their partner has promised to change, and some aren’t sure they want their partner even if s/he does change.  So what’s a person to do?

 

First let me state that I believe most, if not all, people are capable of change.  Substantial, life-altering, lasting change can and does happen…when a person is truly committed to changing.  So if you’re wondering if change is even possible, the answer is absolutely.  If however, you’re wondering if your partner is going to change, the answer is…I have no idea.

 

All is not lost however since there are some tell-tale signs that a person is committed to change.  Look these over and see if you get a sense of what your partner’s level of commitment is. 

 

• They are backing their words up with actions and you can actually see the changes.  I often tell clients to ignore the promises and look at the actions.  If your partner is promising to be kinder yet every time s/he gets angry you feel the brunt of that energy, then change is not looking good.  If s/he promises to be home more yet continues to be make excuses for not being around, then don’t be too optimistic about change.  If, on the other hand, your partner is already incorporating positive changes that you see and feel, then that’s a great sign.

ARE YOU HANGING ON TOO LONG? WHEN TO END A RELATIONSHIP GUILT-FREE

Are you in a relationship that is adding very little to your life? If so, you’re not alone. There are many people who stay in unhealthy relationships for various reasons: fear, money, depression, poor self-care, children, religion etc. In some relationships, staying for any reason--is a wrong reason.

Here are some stories of relationships that go on all the time:
• Susie decides to stay with Tom who’s an active alcoholic. He rages twice a week at her and her children, falls off his chair at dinner because he’s so high, and is emotionally abusive to her daily.
• Dianne has been married to Rick for fifteen years and has decided to stay with him after his third affair. He has little remorse and flirts with other women constantly in her presence.
• Dan’s wife Carol is currently having an affair with someone she works with and although she wants to stay married, she refuses to give up her affair. She also refuses to go to counseling. Dan decides to stay anyway.
• Jennifer has been married to Jim who has barely given her the time of day for the past five years. He’s cold, does his own thing whenever he wants, and rarely has a kind word to say about her.

LOVE IS NOT ALL SMOOTH SAILING…EVEN IN THE BEST OF RELATIONSHIPS

Who promised that marriage was going to be a smooth ride filled with love, belly laughter, and passionate sex every night? No one promised this…in reality anyway. Movies, TV, romantic novels, and the like, may have painted that picture, but we’re all adults and should know that life is full of bumps in the road, struggles, and hard times.

It’s also filled with good times, laughs, and moments of connection. It’s time we stopped thinking that relationships are supposed to be easy and instead, learn how to handle the bumps when they come without having them cause a major accident.

A healthy relationship is comprised of two people who love, respectful, and support each other…even in tough times. They also get angry at each other—without chopping one another down at the knees. Verbal, physical, and emotional violence is off the table. Healthy couples disagree, struggle with distance from time to time, and even have moments when the partners aren’t sure if they like each other. They may fight, make poor choices, and inadvertently emotionally hurt one another. They do not however, do any of these with ill will. These moments are also the exception rather than the rule.

If you are struggling in your relationship and wondering if love should be that hard the answer is yes…and no. Yes relationships are hard and do take attention, thoughtfulness, and self control. However, they are not meant to be a constant struggle.

CREATING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS…Require that you not ignore the red flags.

As a follow up to my last post on conditioning, I thought it would be helpful for people to have something to think about regarding their relationships. Below are a few red flags that your relationship may be damaging your spirit…and it may be time to jump out or lower the heat.

1. Your partner often tells you what you’re thinking is wrong, stupid, not making sense, is unimportant, isn’t true, or says you don’t have a good understanding of what you’re talking about.
2. Your partner tries to isolate you from your friends and family members by: making it uncomfortable to be with family and him/her at the same time, claiming that you care more about your family/friends than you do him/her, giving you a hard time every time you have plans to see family/friends.
3. Your partner loses his/her temper often without provocation. You seldom see it coming and when it does happen, the intensity of his/her anger is palpable even if he/she doesn’t raise his/her voice.
4. Your partner embarrasses you in front of other people by ridiculing you, making a hurtful comment but disguising it as “just being funny”, or directly puts you down in front of others.

BECOME THE PARTNER YOU WISH TO BE WITH: A map for couples and individuals in relationships

When I work with clients on their relationships, I stress the concept of Changing Me, Changes We and I encourage clients to become the person they wish to be with. I believe that the healthier we become, the healthier are relationships will be; it all starts within ourselves.

That said, below is a questionnaire I use with couples/individuals sometimes to help gain clarity on what each person needs to work on within the relationship. It can be a great road map for people if they answer the questions honestly. I hope you find it helpful.

CHANGING YOURSELF FIRST
You cannot attract healthy relationships or communities if you are not relationally healthy with-in yourself.

1. What is some feedback you have been given by your partner that you have not wanted to believe or that is difficult to hear? (Ie. You can be bossy, critical, etc.)

2. What 3 qualities do you have that you would not want in a partner?
• Work on these and change them.

3. What 3 qualities do you have that you would want in a partner?
• Strengthen these