It's The Little Things: Five Ways To Bring Life Back Into Your Relationship

The smallest things are often what make the biggest impact in relationships. Unfortunately, it’s the smallest things that often get dropped.  With the hectic schedules of most people these days, we often forget to add tender sprinkles into our relationships.  We get caught up in finishing that big project, taking our children to endless practices/events, answering e-mails, playing on our phones, doing chores and on and on.  What we forget are the important things.  We forget the glue that keeps our relationships strong.  Here is the glue:
1.    Laugh often: There is nothing more connecting than a good belly laugh.  The moment you and a friend or loved one laugh, you can feel an instant closeness.  Look for the humor in things—even the difficult things.  Life doesn’t have to be so serious.  Learn to lighten up and find your humor again.
2.    Smile: No one likes to be around a wet blanket, it truly gets old.  If you’re a pessimist and constantly complaining, whining or pouting, retrain your brain.  Put a smile on your face and meet people with a positive greeting.  “Fake it ‘till you make it” as they say and soon your smile will come more naturally.  If you’re not normally a downer, simply remember to smile more and greet people in a way that shows them you’re psyched to see them.

Taking Ownership Of Your Life

I can’t tell you how many women talk about being trapped in their jobs, marriages, friendships and…lives.  Far too many women feel powerless to change their current situations and end up sacrificing their souls and losing themselves as a result of staying stuck.  These women often take a victim position to their miserable situations, saying things like:
•    “There’s nothing I can do, so I might as well just accept things as they are.”
•    “I’m stuck—what am I going to do with two kids and no job?”
•    “I have to keep my job, especially with this economy, even if my boss is a jerk.  I   don’t have any choice.”
•    “My father always puts me down and calls me names, that’s just who he is.  He’s in his seventies, so I’m not going to say something now.”

These are just a sampling of the many things women say when they feel stuck.  Regardless of the wording they use, though, the sentiment is always the same: “I’m miserable and I can’t do anything about it.”  Too many women give up even thinking about trying to change their situations and instead try to learn to live with them.  If they have children, they don’t want to rock the boat too much or they fear they will tip it over and end up in divorce.  If they need the income, they don’t want to do or say anything that may remotely result in their boss being upset.  If they stay at home, running the household and caring for the children, they don’t even want to think about standing up for themselves in any real way that might upset the status quo of their marriage. 

The Fear Of Losing Your Relationship Is Killing Your Relationship

Countless women are staying in miserable relationships.  They know what they’re living in is unhealthy.  They know they need to set limits and stand up for themselves and they know that these relationships are slowly tearing them apart.  Yet they stay. 

The bottom line is that you can read a thousand self-help books, go to the best relationship experts in the world and hear the advice of all of your closest friends, yet none of these will change your relationship if you don’t heed the advice you’re given.  None of these supports will help if you don’t love yourself enough to stand up for yourself.  No one can do that for you.

Many of the women I work with are extremely bright, competent women, who know what they need to do.  They know it’s not okay to have someone screaming at them.  They know that having their husband continue in an affair while he decides which woman he wants to be with isn’t helping them.  And, they know that desperately hoping for change will not create change.  Yet they continue to accept and do all of the above.

The problem is not that women don’t know what they want or what they should and should not accept.  Although some women are unsure of these things, most women don’t struggle with this issue – they do know what they deserve.  Instead, many women struggle with daring to step behind what they want and deserve.  Women are willing to yell, scream, beg, become a sexual dynamo, cry, plead, manipulate and even threaten their partner.  They are not, however, willing to risk losing the relationship.  And not being willing to risk losing a relationship often plays out as not wanting to set limits, not wanting to directly ask for what they want and not wanting to do anything that might remotely upset the proverbial apple cart.  As you can imagine, this fear leaves very few options for changing a bad relationship—or any relationship for that matter.

Why Take The High Road?…And By The Way, What Is The High Road Exactly?

Across the world people struggle in difficult conversations, times of upset, painful discoveries etc.  When people become upset or angry they often want to lash out, seek revenge, shut down or explode.  Saying calm, cool and collected as the saying goes, is often the last thing humans want to do when hurt or upset.

Sometimes people lash out for the sole purpose of causing the other person pain so they “get” what it feels like to be hurt.  Other times the lashing out is simply a knee-jerk reaction.  Regardless, though, of why human beings lash out when hurt, I’m sure all of us can understand the pull to want to do so.  After all, who can’t understand the desire to yell, scream and rage at your spouse for having an affair with your best friend? I totally understand wanting to do that and more!

…And, I also know—that freaking out on a spouse because of an affair, or on a friend in response to them saying mean things, or to a co-worker for putting your job in jeopardy—is not going to serve you.  The last thing you want to do is make life harder for yourself by reacting in the extremes.  When you’re able to respond to life’s most difficult circumstances with grace, calm and strength, you will feel better and heal faster.  The bottom-line when it comes to handling life’s most difficult moments is to always remember to take the high road—even when those around you are behaving atrociously.

Below are five reasons to take the high road:
1.     When you respond to hurtful behavior by acting like a crazy person--people will see you as a crazy person.  When you respond with integrity—others begin to look at the other person as though they are the unhealthy one.
2.    When you freak out in response to someone else’s freak out—that person ignores your message and simply thinks, “You think I’m crazy—look at you.”  Your poor behavior gets in the way of them seeing their own poor behavior. 
3.    When you’re able to act with calm and integrity in the face of someone else’s hurtful behavior, it feels empowering, healthy and internally strong.
4.    When you can stay calm in the most difficult of moments, you avoid the “reactivity hangover”.  There’s no shame, self-hatred, regret or embarrassment about what you did.  You can hold your head high and feel good about you.
5.    When you stoop to the other person’s level you are off.  Take the high road knowing that the poor behavior of others is NOT a green light for your own poor behavior.

Taking the high road means to act with integrity at all times—not just the good times, happy times or respectful times.  Harming another physically, spiritually or emotionally is out of integrity—even in response to an affair, lies or manipulations.  Don’t stoop to some else’s level and claim your behavior is okay.  Stay respectful, set limits, take care of yourself and then decide how you’re going to intervene in such a way that you’re respectful of yourself and the humanity of the other person.  Avoid the awful feeling “reactivity hangover” and remember that although seeking revenge or going off on the person may feel great in the moment—that feeling seldom lasts forever.

Challenge:  If you’re struggling with someone else’s hurtful behavior, pull back, breathe, calm your heart rate down and dare to take the high road.  Refuse to act like an out of control raging person.  Settle yourself and respond with calm, strength and grace.  You will feel better for it and can hold your head high under the most difficult of circumstances.

What Are You Asking For? Is It Truly What You Want Or Is It What You Think You Will Get?

An interesting thing happens with countless women when it comes to asking for what they want.  Far too often they get stuck in the pattern of asking for what they think they’ll get rather than asking for what they truly want.  As you can imagine, this is creating a lot of struggles for far too many women. 

Here are a few examples of what I mean:
•    Susie says she would like to have a raise, but is certain her boss would say no.  She decides to wait until he brings the topic up and hopes he notices her hard work. 
•    Karen doesn’t want to sleep with the guy she’s dating until they have an agreement that each of them is exclusive.  She is highly doubtful that he would agree to that though, so she decides to stay quite, sleep with him and hope for the best. 
•    Janice wants to ask her 75-year-old father to stop calling her names when he gets angry.  She’s certain he’ll get angry at the request and won’t stop the name calling, so she decides to learn how to accept his anger. 

When women want something, we often filter our desire through the lens of whether or not we think we can or will get what we want.  If we think the other person would never give us what we really want to ask for, then we often change our request to something we think we have a better chance of getting.

“Be The Person You Wish To Be In A Relationship With” LMB

Many people have heard Ghandi’s famous quote, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”  This quote has influenced my work with individuals and couples a great deal.  The adaptation I’ve made to this quote in my practice is, “Be the person you wish to be in a relationship with.”  Too often people are so busy trying to change their partner’s behavior that they forget to look at their own.

In relationships -- at work, home or out in the world -- it behooves each of us to act as we wish others would act with us.  If we want to have relationships that are honest, cherishing and respectful, then we’re responsible for being honest, cherishing and respectful.  Sometimes, in our upset, we forget that we are still responsible for our actions.  Likewise, we can forget that our partner also deserves a caring, loving partner just as we do.  We can get so focused on what we want that we forget that we’re responsible for giving, too.  We are each responsible for asking for what we want and for giving what we wish to get.  Missing either aspect of this requirement will negatively impact our relationships.

This concept is true across the board in all of our relationships.  In parenting, if you don’t want your children to yell and be disrespectful to you, then don’t you yell and be disrespectful to them.  If at work, you want your co-workers to give you space to talk at meetings and honor your ideas, then you should give them room to speak and honor their ideas.  In romance, if you want your partner to share, talk respectfully and treat you with high regard, then you must do the same.  If you don’t have the desire, energy, or patience to behave with others as you are asking them to behave with you, then don’t ask it of them. 

If you choose to not give it—you don’t have the right to ask for it. 

It’s time to shift your focus from analyzing the behaviors of others to looking at your own.  Pay attention to the way you behave in relationships and work to become the person you wish to work for, live with or be friends with.  When you’re clean on your end and behaving the way you want others to behave, you will be on stronger footing to create change.  Get yourself in check before you start trying to get everyone else in check.

Challenge: Take a moment and look at the way you are in your relationships across the board.  Honestly ask yourself if you would want to have you as a boss or friend, parent or lover?  If there’s a relationship you struggle with, look at your part in that struggle.  Would you want to be with you?

Keep Your Focus on You and Watch Your World Change

Time and again I watch men and women constantly pointing their fingers at the other person.  They spend all their time and energy trying to change what the other person is doing.  Both men and women believe that if the other person would just be kinder, talk more, stop raging, complaining, controlling or (fill in the blank) then everything else would be fine.  They then spend the next ten years trying to get their partner to make those changes. 

I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that this seldom -- if ever -- works.

Trying to change another person will never work.  In fact, it can’t work.  It can’t work because no one has the power to change someone else.  We can ask, plead, beg, bully, rage, try to force them to do what we want them to do, yet in the end they get to decide.  In the end, they decide what they will do and how they will do it.  No amount of pleading or screaming will change the fact that they choose their behaviors.

And, likewise, no one can make you change either.  Only you have the power to change yourself.  Only you decide what you will or won’t do.  Even if your partner is bullying you, raging and in your face threatening you—ultimately you still decide.  You decide if you will cower, give in, stand your ground, stay, go and everything in between.  You decide.

Getting Unstuck (Part II): Taking Steps

Last week I wrote a post about the difficulty of getting unstuck in life and relationships.  Although many people know they need to make a change, few actually take steps to do so.  Below is a quick cheat sheet to getting unstuck.  If you’re unhappy in your job, relationship, living situation or life, take these steps to get unstuck:
1.    Get clarity about why you’re unhappy.  Name it, write it down and be specific. Don’t just say you’re not happy in your job or relationship, state why you’re unhappy.  Is it because of a difficult co-worker, a tyrannical boss, your partner’s affair, lack of communication, harshness or (Fill in the blank).  Get specific.
2.    Brainstorm your options. Start from small to big options.  Small options may include having a conversation, making a comment in the moment, making a request.  More difficult steps may include: setting a limit, getting into couples counseling, giving an ultimatum, asking for a raise, reducing your hours, looking for another job, etc.  Do not judge your list—just write it uncensored.  Don’t worry yet which option is doable or not, there is plenty of time for that.  Think outside the box and be creative about your options—there are often several options for any given problem.
3.    Brainstorm all the things you’re doing that are not serving you in this.  This list may include: being too reactive or aggressive, silencing, speaking hesitantly, procrastinating, doubting yourself, talking too much and saying little, being defensive, being passive-aggressive, escaping via alcohol, drugs or an affair, etc.  Now is not the time to pretend you are perfect—look at what you are doing that is not helping the situation.  We all do something and until we take off our blinders we will continue to do the same move getting us into the same bad place time and again.  Look at your piece--don’t run from it.
4.    Choose a step and take it NOW. Look over your options list and decide which action step you are willing to take no matter how small.  It is best to have this behavior somehow correspond to the list pertaining to what you’re doing that is not serving you.  Choose one to two options to implement and do so.

Change is hard and there are seldom any guarantees.  Too many people wait to take a step until they have everything in place—which seldom happens.  Do not wait until all your ducks are in a row—there are always a few defiant ducks that don’t like to tow the line.  Proceed without perfection and… PROCEED!

Challenge: Choose a problem where you are stuck and go through the above four steps.  Once complete, go back to your two brainstorming lists and circle the behavior that is hurting you the most as well as the option that corresponds to it.  For example, if you are not speaking, you could circle “talk to my boss/partner/friend.”  Focus on this change and see what you notice.  If you are not ready to choose that change, pick the smallest change possible on your list and start there.

Getting Unstuck in Life and Relationships

"Leap and the net shall appear." -- John Burroughs

Change is often scary.  In fact, it can be so scary that people feel paralyzed by the thought of it.  Even when things are going poorly in a person’s life and they know they need to take steps to change things, they can be rendered helpless.  The fear of changing feels too great.  What if they take the steps to change the situation and things get worse?  What if they aren’t strong enough, good enough or wise enough for this change?  What if others will be sad, angry or disappointed as a result of the change?  What if they make the wrong decision?  The what ifs can be countless and debilitating. 

The reality is that we seldom know where our decisions will take us or what the ripple effect of change will be.  What I do know, however, is that doing the same—will get me the same results.  This is true at work, in our friendships, romantic relationships and in our lives.  If we know we are unhappy in a situation, but fail to try to change it, then we will continue to be unhappy.

Getting unstuck requires that we take a different action.  I’ve seen too many people stay in toxic jobs for years, miserable relationships for decades and dead-end situations for lifetimes.  These people get stuck in the what ifs, in their fears and in their undying hope for change.  They lose sight of the here and now and instead get trapped wishing for guarantees.  They want to know for certain that if they take the step it will be the right one.  They want assurance that taking the step will lead to a new and brighter tomorrow.

How to Stop Being Passive-Aggressive

I recently wrote a post entitled, ‘Are You Passive-Aggressive?’  A comment was left on my Facebook page http://tinyurl.com/3o53ke8, asking me how to stop being passive-aggressive.  Here’s my answer.
1.    Get conscious.  Pay attention to all the things you don’t say, all the times you make snide comments and all the times you feel annoyed.  If you don’t know when you feel annoyed, pay attention to your eye rolling, sighs and glares.
2.    Speak up, don’t shut up.  Often people who struggle with being passive-aggressive are also afraid of conflict.  In an effort to avoid a fight or disagreement, they stay silent rather than honestly speak about their upset.  Because they keep things in, they end up getting resentful.  Ultimately, their anger then gets leaked out rather than worked out.
3.    Start small.  Speaking up takes practice after years of not being direct, so you need to start to speak up on smaller issues with “safe” people in your life.  For example, begin to be more honest with your closest and healthiest friends before moving to a more difficult partner or co-worker.  The more practice you get, the more courageous you will feel with others.
4.    Have integrity with your word.  If you don’t mean it, don’t say it.  If you say you will do something—do it.  If you do something, do it on time and to the best of your ability rather than doing a poor to mediocre job.  Avoid saying you will do something just to get someone off your back—it will only keep the person on your back longer.