BE RESPECTFUL AT ALL TIMES TO ALL PEOPLE (Cornerstone #3)

All individuals have the right to be treated respectfully at all times in all situations. Learn to live by this value, regardless of how other people are behaving.

This cornerstone is often met with mixed reviews, with a number of people not agreeing with it at all. When I speak to couples about this, I hear comments like, “Why should I be respectful when s/he’s not?” or “So you expect me to do nothing and just sit there and take it? Tell him/her to stop and then I will!” Although they may believe in the concept of respect, their actions clearly show that respect is something that is transient – at best.

The problem with this thinking, I believe, is it feeds into the destructive notion that one person’s behavior is caused by another. This thinking plays out in couples (“If he wasn’t so irresponsible I wouldn’t have to yell”), parenting (“don’t hit other children” – SLAP) and on a larger scale, our country (torture is wrong…unless you force us to torture - then it is necessary.) This is an irresponsible notion and an excuse for rationalizing people’s hurtful behaviors. Disrespect is disrespect regardless of whether it is done in response to someone else’s outrageous behavior or not.

As much as it is difficult, exasperating, frustrating, and just plain, “crazy hard” to be respectful in the face of disrespect – it is paramount to healthy relationships. Being respectful is humane – nothing more, nothing less. It is every person’s right as a human being. It is your job to insure you honor that for yourself and others; without it you cannot have healthy relationships.

Challenge: Commit to take all-disrespectful behaviors off the table with your spouse, your children, and your friends. Refuse to name-call, scream, yell, put down or make mean spirited comments to anyone in your life and pay attention to what happens.

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

Below are my 10 cornerstones for creating healthy relationships. I hope you find them as helpful in your life as I have found them in mine.

LMB’S RELATIONAL CORNERSTONES

1.Treat loved ones lovingly.
The important people in your life will know you cherish them, when you treat them as if you do.
Be loving in your words and actions at all times . . . even when you’re angry.

2. Use your words to build others up, not tear them down.
Words are one of the most powerful tools we have. They have the power to nourish another’s soul or destroy it. Learn to use words wisely.

3. Be respectful at all times to all people.
All individuals have the right to be treated respectfully at all times in all situations.
Learn to live by this value, regardless of how other people are behaving.

4. Ask for nothing more than you are willing to give.
Lead by example. If you want to be respected, listened to, and treated well, then you must respect, listen to,
and treat others well. If you can’t give it, don’t ask for it.

5. Be authentic.
Speaking your truth is a wonderful gift. Be truthful in a compassionate, honoring way. Don’t hide it, sugar-coat it, or deny it. Just tell it. This cornerstone alone will transform your relationships.

6. Have integrity in your actions.
Integrity requires that you live your values moment to moment; not just speak them. If you can’t act upon your words, then don’t speak them.

7. Never use your body in anger against yourself or others.
Safety is a prerequisite for all healthy relationships. If you are using physical violence against someone in anger, that person is not safe. Intense anger acted out physically will break a connection instantly.

8. Do not speak ill of others — it reflects poorly on you.
If you have a problem with someone, go to the source.
If you have nothing else to talk about, make it a point to read up on current events or talk about your own life.

9. Deal with issues directly and in a timely fashion. Allowing issues to fester destroys relationships.
If you cannot let go of an issue without resentment, then speak directly about it. Each unspoken grudge piggy-backs on previous ones, until they build up to a point where few relationships can survive without a lot of work and/or outside help.

10. Accept nothing less than you give.
Do not allow others to treat you poorly for any reason. Each time you passively remain in the presence of someone who is treating you in hurtful ways, you send a clear message that this behavior is okay. This is not an acceptable message. It does not serve you or others to be hurt or humiliated.

Challenge: Look over the 10 cornerstones and decide which ones you need to work on the most. Choose one to focus on and commit to work on it; note any changes or awareness that occurs.

THE POWER OF WORDS (Cornerstone #2)

Cornerstone 2. Use your words to build others up, not tear them down.

I believe that people underestimate the power of words everyday. Whether it is a kind word shared with love or mean words thrown in anger, words have impact. Kind words can soothe a person’s heart, raise a person’s spirit or bring a smile to a person’s soul. Coldhearted words can destroy a person’s confidence, shatter a person’s joy and leave a person shaken to their core.

Regardless of whether we justify our hurtful words by saying, “I was mad,” “I was joking” or “I had a hard day,” the truth is, I believe, that no amount of rationalization can totally heal the damage done. Words sting, nick and sometimes gouge and until we learn to stop the nicks, we will be forever hurting the ones we love.

Words are one of the most powerful tools we have. They have the power to nourish another’s soul or destroy it. Learn to use words wisely and purposefully.

Challenge:
1. Get conscious and pay attention to how you use your words everyday –- especially when you are tired, upset or cranky. Make a promise to yourself to stop stinging, nicking and/or gouging the ones you love -- and if you slip, repair it immediately (apologize, don’t rationalize!).
2. Take the time to say a kind word everyday (compliment, tell a loved one you love him/her, be appreciative in your words, write a kind note…) and notice the shifts that occur.

TREAT LOVED ONES LOVINGLY (Cornerstone #1)

We have a tendency to treat strangers off the street better than we treat loved ones in our own homes. It’s as though we think we have the right to treat those close to us in any way we want. This is a crazy notion. It is not okay to tell your partner that you love him/her one minute and then the next minute yell, call him/her names or just be downright mean.
We seem to know not to be mean to a stranger who happens to be in our path, but if it is our spouse or child we act as if briefly running them over is the price they have to pay to be in our family. This price is way too steep for us, our families and our world. Running people over kills.

Loved ones in our life deserve to be treated as though we love them. It should be a privilege to be in our inner circle – not an emotional death sentence. Our “love” is not meant to be a neatly wrapped punching bag; it is meant to be a kind, authentic, enriching reminder that there is someone in this world who cares for our loved ones. Dare to live this reminder with your loved ones every day.

Challenge: Pay attention to how you are treating the loved ones in your life. Use your words and your actions to relay a healthy message of love. If you are angry then say so –- in a respectful way. If you had a bad day, talk to your partner rather than taking it out on him/her. If you are hurt, speak about your feelings in a non-hurtful way. Remember to treat loved ones in your life better than you treat strangers on the street.