The Curse and Seduction of Being Right

Many people struggle with the curse of being right.  When people struggle with being right it feels as if you’re constantly in an argument about the “facts.”  Sometimes it can feel as if you’re talking with a lawyer instead of a friend or partner.  For example, you might ask your partner to lower their voice and they respond with, “My voice isn’t loud.  I was just being passionate.”  Or perhaps you start to tell a story about work and say, “When I left home at 8 a.m.…” and your partner quickly butts in and corrects you with, “Well, actually you left after 8 a.m.”  Whatever the circumstances are, you feel as if you’re in an endless battle.  All you want to do is share your thoughts or make a request, yet the other person is busy checking your facts instead of listening to your message.

Needless to say, if you’ve ever been on the other side of this dynamic, it can be incredibly frustrating.  If you’re the one constantly “correcting” or arguing the facts, then you can be incredibly frustrating. 

Stop correcting and start listening.

Being around someone who is constantly telling others how they’re wrong blocks intimacy and connection.  Ironically though, many people get caught in the being right trap...because being right is seductive.  After all, people think, isn’t it important to have the right facts?  If my partner says he’s angry that I was late for our dinner on Saturday and I know we went out on Friday—shouldn’t I correct him and tell him I was late on Friday, not Saturday?  After all, I’m right—I happen to know for a fact that we went out on Friday because Saturday was our son’s soccer game and we ate dinner on the road while driving to his game.  Shouldn’t I correct him when I know I’m right?

No.

There Are Few Things Less Relational Than A Poor Listener: Working Your Listening Skills In Your Relationships

Good listening skills are vital to any relationship in your life.  If you don’t listen well at work—it may cost you your job.  If you don’t listen to your partner—it will greatly impact your relationship.  And if you don’t listen to your friends—you may find that you have fewer and fewer.  The bottom line is: when it comes to relationships, listening is vital.

Those people who are lucky enough to have a partner, boss, friend, etc. who is a good listener know exactly what I’m talking about.  Good listeners encourage communication rather than squash it.  They take in difficult feedback, aren’t afraid of hard conversations and are safe to talk with.  The intimacy level is often much higher with people who know how to listen well.

Many people, however, are not good listeners.  In fact, many people are terrible at listening.  Some people are so reactive that those around them are afraid to talk with them.  Others are so conflict-avoidant that they refuse to stay in a conversation long enough to actually work through any issue. And still others are so sure they’re right that they forget to realize the other person may be right as well.

If you want great relationships you must become a great listener.  Pay attention to the dos and donts of listening:

Do:
1.    Listen with an open heart and mind.  One of my favorite bumper stickers is, “Minds are like parachutes, they only work when open.”  We need to be open to hearing another person’s perspective, feedback and criticism even when it differs from what we believe.  We do not need to agree, however we do need to walk a mile in the other person’s shoes to understand what things are like on their end.  Having an open mind leads to growth, receptivity and intimacy.

THE ART OF GOOD LISTENING: HUMILITY VERSUS DEFENSIVENESS

Defensiveness can be the death of a relationship.  There are few things more frustrating than having a partner who gets defensive the moment you dare to speak about anything that might be upsetting to you.  Do you know what I’m talking about?  It sounds something like this:

Jody:  Honey, can we talk about the other night?
 
John:  What?  What’s wrong now?  Jeez—are you EVER happy?

Jody:  I haven’t even said anything yet.  Why are you getting so upset?

John:  Because I already know it’s going to be something about what you don’t like.  I haven’t even done anything.  Forget this--I’m going to the gym.

Ugh, I’m getting frustrated just writing about it!  For anyone who has been on the receiving end of defensiveness, I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about.  The other person is either defending what they did, explaining to you that they didn’t really do what you said they did, accusing you of being too sensitive or turning the entire story around so that you look like the one who was in the wrong.  Sound familiar?  By the end of the conversation you’re either wishing you had never said anything or wondering if perhaps you were the one in the wrong. 

Let me help relieve your sense of sanity for a minute.  If your partner becomes defensive about feedback you’re giving them—they are off.  Defensiveness stifles growth and shuts down relationships, period.  Do not begin to question yourself just because your partner gets what I call BIG.  When someone becomes defensive, in essence they are puffing themselves up and going on the attack, thinking the best defense is a great offense.  People use this technique because...it works.  It gets people off their back and they don’t have to look at their own behaviors.  Unfortunately, it only works in the short run.  In the long run, the damage is very costly.

If you struggle with defensiveness, you need to learn the art of humility.  Who are you to think you would never make a mistake?  We all make mistakes—that’s what makes us human.  When your partner has the courage to tell you that they’re upset with you, step up and have the courage to listen.  Listen with humility.  Listen for truth in what your partner is saying and have the strength and integrity to cop to it and repair it. 

Making mistakes does not ruin relationships.  Refusing to be accountable for the mistakes we make absolutely does ruin relationships.  The reality is that defensiveness gets people off your back temporarily.  Your loved ones will eventually begin to stop sharing their upsets with you.  They will no longer tell you when they are hurt by your actions.  They eventually will truly get off your back – and then you will need to worry.

The cost of listening with humility and owning your imperfections is far less than the cost of defensiveness.  Defensiveness will erode your relationship.  Apologizing for your mistakes and doing things differently will save it. 

CHALLENGE: When people in your life dare to be honest with you about their upsets, dare to be mature enough to hear them.  Practice humility and remember that we all make mistakes along our journey.  Mistakes are human.  Refusing to acknowledge and learn from them is a weakness that will hurt you in life and relationships.  Dare to step up and be accountable—it’s freeing for you and healing for your partner.

WOULD YOU JUST LISTEN?! GOOD LISTENING IS AN AMAZING APHRODISIAC FOR MANY WOMEN

 

I’m constantly hearing from women that their partners just don’t listen:

• “I’m telling him about something that happened at work and instead of listening he tries to problem solve with me.”
• “I tell him I don’t like the way he’s speaking to me and he says I’m too sensitive.”
• “I ask him to pick up something from the store and he comes home without it saying I never told him.”
• “I tell him I’m feeling lonely in this relationship and would like us to talk more and he says he can never do anything right, all I ever do is complain.”

 

The examples are countless of men not listening and women getting frustrated with repeatedly trying to get through to them.  The men say the women are always complaining and the women say the men never listen.  The result:  women keep talking and men continue to not listen.

RELATIONSHIP TERMINATIONS: IS IT TIME TO LISTEN TO YOUR PARTNER OR WILL IT BE TOO LATE?

I recently saw a couple who were on the brink of divorce. In fact, it was pretty clear that he was three quarters out the door. He was adamant that if some key things didn’t change in an instant, he was out.

She wasn’t buying his complaints all that much and thought he exaggerated. As we went through the session, what he was complaining about was very evident.

After hearing both sides, I began to work with the wife. I was clear that what her husband was saying about her was in fact true. She could be cold, demanding, and verbally abusive. I went on to discuss the impact of this on their children, their marriage, and her life. I stressed that if she chose to continue doing what she was doing, her marriage would be over (according to her husband) and her children were likely to continue to be cold and aloof toward her. The future, I predicted, would be fairly lonely.

She got it. She listened to what her husband, I, and her children had said to her, and she took a deep breath and took in the information that so many people in her life had attempted to tell her before now. Fortunately for her and her family, she understood.

GREAT RELATIONSHIPS REQUIRE GREAT LISTENING…BUT HOW DO YOU DO THAT WHEN YOUR PARTNER’S COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU?

Here are some helpful tips to keep you on track when your partner is upset about something you did and wants you to listen:
• Listen to understand where your partner is coming from. Your job is to put yourself in your partner’s shoes for a moment and get a clear picture of what is going on for her/him. You do not have to agree with what s/he is saying; you simply have to understand it.
• The only thing in your head while you are listening should be your partner’s words—not your rebuttals (i.e., “That didn’t happen Wednesday, it happened Thursday”; “Is she crazy?”; “I didn’t say no, I said I doubted it.”)
• If you find yourself getting triggered and/or reactive, close your mouth, take a slow deep breath to regroup, and get centered. Do not speak until you are in a calm, centered place and you’re sure you can speak relationally.
• Do NOT interrupt, defend, explain, minimize, or turn the issue around on your partner. These behaviors are likely to get you into an argument and will leave your partner frustrated, to say the least.

THE ART OF LISTENING IN HEALTHY COUPLES: ARE YOU A SAFE LISTENER?

Being a safe listener is necessary for true intimacy to occur. One way to think of intimacy is “Into–me-you-see”; it is the sharing of two individuals about themselves. If one or both partners use what is shared, against the other person, it’s not safe to share. If it’s not safe to share, intimacy is blocked.

Many couples get tripped up around listening. They get caught in trying to defend their position, prove their point, turn the tables on their partner, and a host of other non-helpful behaviors. Poor listening has lead to many arguments, hurt feelings, frustrations, and very “cool” nights.

In order to listen safely there are a few necessary ground rules to live by:

• Things spoken in private stay private. If your partner shares something that is particularly personal, sensitive, or touchy for him/her, it is your job to protect that information and hold it close to your chest. Feel privileged that s/he shared it and honor your partner’s privacy regarding that information.

COMMUNICATION IN RELATIONSHIPS: If you want your partner to share with you, you must be a soft landing.

I often hear women complain about their partner’s lack of emotional connection, reluctance to share, or frequent withdrawal at home. They are often so angry about this that they can barely contain themselves. When I ask how they handle this, they often spit out a list of behaviors that include yelling, screaming, crying, pleading, complaining, demanding, and at some point giving up. If I ask the famous Dr. Phil question, “So how’s that working’ for ya?” they often reply that it’s not.

A long time ago I handled this issue much differently than I do today. You see, before, I would assume that the man was totally off base and needed some help learning how to connect. What I’ve since realized however, is that while this can be the case in some situations, it is not the case nearly as often as I thought.

Many men would love to speak to their wives—if they were safe to speak to.

LISTENING IS A SKILL FEW PEOPLE HAVE

Have you ever had this experience: you’re talking to someone, they are aware of the words you are speaking, but they don’t seem to be listening?

I’ve often had that experience. I’m sorry to say, so has my husband (yes, with me…).

We human beings are often so caught up in our own world we forget we are also a part of other people’s worlds. We get excited, stressed, worried, or elated. about what’s happening with us. And we don’t realize what’s important in the lives of our loved ones.

Listening requires that we step out of our bubble. It asks us to step into the lives of others. This means more than just poking our ears out. We have to truly shut out the things going on in our life that keep us distracted. For just a little while we need to step into the life of another.

LISTENING IS PIVOTAL

Listening is a pivotal skill in relationships. When we do it well, it can create a soul-nourishing moment; when we do it poorly, it can wreak havoc. The reason it is so pivotal is because human beings like to be heard. We believe we have something important to say and we want others to listen. When we don’t feel as though we have been heard, we… speak LOUDER. When that doesn’t work, we – SPEAK LOUDER still. This can go on incessantly until either we give up out of frustration, give a 20 minute lecture or get into a screaming match and bully our way into “being heard.”

Unfortunately none of these approaches work, although you wouldn’t know it by how often they are used. If you want to learn to listen better, then you have to stop talking long enough to listen. Close your mouth, open your ears and pretend you care about what the other person is trying to tell you. Pretend your partner is your best friend or a highly respected mentor and listen from that place -- you may be shocked to find out that what they have to say is actually meaningful.

Challenge: Focus on truly listening to your partner for the next two weeks. Commit to not interrupt, get defensive or throw the responsibility back on your partner. Try for two whole days to listen as though your partner were someone you greatly admired and had the utmost respect for. Take note of any changes when you listen from this place.