Fear and Relationships: Stop The Ducking

 

I recently wrote a post entitled We Teach People How to Treat Us.  I wanted to expand a bit on this post and provide more concrete pointers on how to create change.  Hope this helps…

Time and time again I hear stories of people accepting the unacceptable -- —rage in particular.  They accept what no one should accept because they’re too scared not to.  They’re afraid that if they stand up to the behavior they’ll lose their relationship, anger their partner or make things worse.

So they silently take it and secretly wish for better.

    •    Dan sits in my office visibly shaken with anxiety.  He loves his wife, yet can’t stand how she treats him.  She calls him a wimp, a loser and a sad excuse for a man.  When he attempts to set a limit, her rage intensifies and the words really start to fly.  Dan responds by backing down, apologizing and trying to calm her down.
    •    Sarah immediately shuts down when her partner Jim becomes intense.  He calls her stupid, a nim-wit and constantly dismisses her.  She knows she shouldn’t accept this treatment, but she doesn’t want things to get worse.  She just wishes he would see how poorly he treats her.  She feels bad for him because she knows that’s how his father treated him.  And she feels bad for her children, who are also afraid of their father.

Rage is killing marriages, families and businesses across the country.  It does not discriminate.  Rage attacks all socioeconomic levels, genders and types of business.  Parents are losing it with their kids, bosses are going off on their employees and husbands and wives are verbally abusing each other with little to no remorse. 

CHANGING ME, CHANGES WE: WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR PARTNER IS REACTIVE AND/OR INTENSE

I often talk about women setting limits on men, however in this post I want to discuss men setting limits on women.  In particular, I am referring to conflict-avoidant men with high intensity, reactive women.

A common couple combination I see in my office is quiet, conflict-avoidant men, with angry, controlling and reactive women.  The women are often furious at the men for not talking, being passive-aggressive and making agreements that they seldom keep.  Upon closer inspection, it’s clear that the men are, indeed, all those things. 

What’s often missing, however, from this picture is the other side of the equation—the women. 

Many of the women in these types of couples become intense, critical and furious when they don’t like something the man did or didn’t do.  They yell, scream, make threats and become demeaning.  In response, the men cower, turn passive-aggressive and go underground. 

CRITICAL RELATIONSHIPS (Part II): GET OFF YOUR BACK??? HOW ABOUT ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING AND THEN I’LL GET OFF YOUR BACK--DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?!

A NOTE TO WOMEN

In my previous post I wrote about men feeling as though they can never do anything good enough for their partners.  My suggestion was for them to make sure that when they say they’re going to do something that they not only actually do it, but they also make sure to do it well. 

Now it’s time to look at the woman’s side of this equation--the frequent criticisms, anger, and control.  Let me start by saying… “I get it”; I totally get that when you have to ask your partner to do something a thousand times before he does it (if he does it at all), it can be frustrating…to say the least.  I also get that if your partner truly is irresponsible and either doesn’t do what he says he’s going to do, or if he does a mediocre job at best when he does do something, that it’s beyond frustrating.  I get it--I really do. 

AND… your response to what he does or does not do is equally as important and impactful to your relationship as his actions are.  Regardless of whether he is doing what he says he will do or doing it well, you still have to be respectful.  His irresponsibility does not justify your being controlling, critical, and contemptuous. 

ARE YOU FUELING YOUR PARTNER’S ANGER BY RUNNING FROM IT?

• Stacey’s son throws a temper tantrum every time he doesn’t get his way.  Stacey responds by trying her best to placate her son and settle him down. 

She teaches her son that his tantrums work.

• Steve’s wife often gets so angry and reactive when she doesn’t like something he’s doing that he just clams up and does what she tells him.   

He teaches his wife that her anger and reactivity work. 

• Laura hates it when her husband gets angry and short with her.  He becomes demanding and she gives him what he wants to avoid an escalation. 

She teaches him that his anger and entitlement work. 

Many couples struggle with anger issues.  Typically one partner is quick to anger while the other partner is quick to duck and give in.  When I speak about the importance of not fueling the flame of their partner’s anger, the ducking partner often responds by saying they walk on eggshells to insure they don’t fuel any more anger from their partner.  My response: “Walking on eggshells is like lighting a match to their partner’s anger.”   

HAVE YOU CHOSEN TO STAY WHILE YOUR PARTNER CONTINUES TO HAVE AN AFFAIR? IF SO, IT’S TIME TO LOOK AT THAT DECISION

It may be surprising to know that many people decide to stay in their marriages while their partner’s openly having an affair.  There are many reasons for this including:

• Fear of being alone
• Believing that if they stay and do everything right their partner will come to his/her senses and decide to end the affair
• Lack of resources and finances
• A desperate longing to be loved

If you are making this same choice, I want you to do so while being conscious of the repercussions of that decision.  In the short run this decision might feel good--you get to put off a sudden end to the marriage, you still get a part of your partner, and as long as your partner stays you feel somewhat loved. 

The problem happens…in the long run.

CREATING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Relationship Principle: The closer people are to me, the higher my expectations for treatment will be.

I’ve always found it interesting that so many people accept the worst treatment, not from strangers and acquaintances, but from the people closest to them. I’ve seen men and women alike, set very healthy limits with strangers yet accept the most outrageous behaviors from their loved ones.

Some people would never allow a stranger to hit them without having that person arrested or charged with assault, yet when it comes to their partner pushing them or even breaking their nose, they do nothing. If an acquaintance calls them an idiot, they will be offended and set a stern limit, yet when their partner does the same, they shrug it off and say nothing. This also happens in reverse: some people can’t imagine swearing at an acquaintance; yet swearing at their partner is just a part of life.

Although there are many reasons this happens, and I don’t want to minimize all the dynamics that go into this phenomenon (especially domestic violence), the bottom line is: too many people accept too many behaviors that should be, and are, totally unacceptable.

What’s wrong with this picture? It’s as though we have it all backwards.

THE OTHER SIDE OF RELATIONSHIP WITHDRAWAL: WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR PARTNER WITHDRAWS

A few posts ago I wrote about withdrawal in relationships and received a comment asking me what to do when you are on the receiving end of withdrawal. In other words, what is a healthy response to a partner’s unhealthy choice to withdraw?

Let me be clear that the type of withdrawal I’ll be talking about is the kind that goes on for more than an hour, is done with an air of contempt, and is done provocatively, meaning they just check out without explaining why or promising to talk about things later. This is different from taking a time out to re-group and get centered.

Unhealthy withdrawal often has a cold shoulder effect to it; the person on the receiving end feels shut out and often shut down. Subsequently, that person will try a number of things to re-engage his/her partner including: begging, pleading, retaliating, giving in to, yelling, shunning them back, and on and on. Because their partner is in withdrawal and behind a wall, these efforts have little, if any, impact. If any of the above does have an impact, it’s usually the giving in that may weaken the walls—not without a price though.

Although giving in or apologizing (even when you know you did nothing wrong) may weaken the walls, it will often lead to resentment. At some point you’ll get annoyed that you’re always the one apologizing. Eventually you get angry that you’re the only one in the relationship who’s willing to be accountable. Ultimately, you get tired.

In Order To Create A Healthy Relationship, You Must Be Willing To Lose An Unhealthy One

Many people, men and women alike, are afraid to truly stand up for what they want in a relationship. They will say they don’t like what they’re getting, they may even say they don’t know if they can take it anymore, yet often they stop short of saying, “This has got to change or I’m leaving this relationship.” They don’t want to “bottom-line” it.

Bottom-lining it is not necessary for many minor issues; however, for major couple’s issues that have not changed over time, it’s often vital. Many people get caught up in the idea that bottom-lining something is like giving an ultimatum and ultimatums are not okay. I view ultimatums as honest assessments of what a person will and will not live with; they are a healthy form of self - and relationship care.

Healthy ultimatums include:
• “If you continue in this affair, then I will file for divorce.”
• “If you continue to abuse substances and refuse to get into a treatment program, then I want to separate.”
• “If you continue to rage and be abusive, I will no longer stay in this relationship.”

If you’ve asked your partner to end an affair, etc., and s/he does, there’s no need to bottom-line it. If, however, your partner refuses, it’s time to bottom-line it.

CARETAKING AND RELATIONSHIPS: IT’S NOT ALWAYS AS “NICE” AS IT SEEMS

Many women complain about irresponsible, selfish husbands. They even joke about their husband being another child they have to take care of. Some husbands sheepishly grin when they hear their wives say this, while others are offended.

I’m… often curious.

When I hear a woman (note: men also can be in this role) talk about how she’s responsible for: insuring the house is clean; dinner is on the table; all appointments are made and kept; the children are fed, bathed, and finished with their homework; her husband is sexually happy and emotionally taken care of; and on and on…I can’t help but wonder why she is married.

I view marriage as an equal partnership, a place for two loving individuals to come together to co-create a life together. Both partners are equally responsible for being a team player and doing his/her part. Each partner is responsible for getting their needs met within the relationship while also honoring their partner’s needs.

Some people are natural caretakers and enjoy doing a lot for other people. When this is returned, there’s nothing wrong with it. When one person continually does almost everything while their partner does little, however, this is a breeding ground for resentment.

When it doesn’t lead to resentment, there’s often a veil of co-dependence that is clouding the person’s ability to be an equal partner. This is no better than resentment.

IS FEAR IMPACTING YOUR RELATIONSHIP? IF SO, ARE YOU READY TO TAKE BACK THE CONTROLS?

I work with couples and individuals everyday and have found that one of the most common blocks to change is fear. I would venture to say this is probably true regarding change in general, however with relationships it can be downright paralyzing.

A common cause of fear in many relationships is rage, intensity, or volatility. I watch men and women with very volatile wives and husbands walk on egg shells to avoid a possible outburst. I hear about, and watch in my office, people shut down in response to their partner’s intensity. If they’ve been brave enough to discuss the rage/volatility, they soon weaken their statement or withdraw it all together, not because they got it wrong but because they are too scared to speak it. They know that not speaking it and backing down teaches their partner that bullying works, however they are simply too scared to directly take them on. Taking them on would mean standing up for themselves, setting limits, and following through with consequences i.e. Calling the police, refusing to go someplace with their partner when s/he is being hurtful or intense, and so on.

When anger/intensity or rage isn’t the culprit causing fear, it’s often the threat of losing a partner that causes fear. Affairs, for example, are a great fear inducer. Even though the person who had the affair should be the one on the hot seat so to speak, I often find that the person jumping through all the hoops is the one who was cheated on! Why…Because of fear. They are worried that if they don’t jump through hoops, their partner will have another affair, return to the affair they already had, or will just plain leave them.

In addition to affairs, an unresponsive, stubborn, or emotionally distant partner can also induce the fear of losing a partner. Many women come into my office complaining about how emotionally distant, irresponsible, and/or selfish their partner is and they’re at a loss as to what to do. When I tell them they have to learn to set limits and take responsibility for creating a respectful, fulfilling relationship, they complain that their partner would leave if they did that. My response: “If that’s true, then it’s the best thing for you.”