The Silent Treatment: How to Respond to Your Partner When They Refuse to Speak

There are few things more frustrating than the silent treatment.  There are also few things more damaging to relationships.  Many people believe that refusing to speak is better than saying something they’ll later regret.  This couldn’t be further from the truth.  Refusing to speak to someone is emotionally abusive and removes all possibility of solution. 

When it comes to the silent treatment, there is nothing colder than the cold shoulder.  Tuning someone out is like telling them they’re too insignificant to warrant your time or attention.  It’s toxic and it’s off.

For those people who are being ignored, here are some tips on how to handle the silent treatment:
1.    Speak about the silence directly and do NOT return silence with silence.  Calmly tell your partner that you’re aware they are angry and you’d be happy to talk about it should they choose to.  Let them know you can’t change anything if you don’t know what it is that’s bothering them. 
2.    After you speak to them, go about your life and do not try to get them to speak.  They are adults and responsible for speaking up if they want something.  Do not get caught up in the game.  Realize their silence is not about you.  Don’t allow it to get you down or lead to you feeling guilty.  Also, do not lose your temper in response.  Stay centered and calm!

STICKS AND STONES: NAMES DON’T HURT...DO THEY?

A reader requested that I write a blog regarding the old saying Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.  I can’t tell you how many times I repeated this very saying when I was a kid as a quick comeback.  I thought that the more I said it, the stronger I would be and the less name calling would hurt.  For some reason it never quite worked out that way; the name calling almost always hurt. 

This is true as we grow up as well.  Name calling hurts because it is intended to hurt...and sometimes it hurts more than sticks and stones.  This is true even when the person who is calling the names later says they didn’t mean it.  The reality is they did mean it and they meant for it to hurt.

Those people who try to say they didn’t mean what they said in anger are lying.  What they really mean is they don’t want to be held accountable for what they said in anger.  They want to try to pin it on you for being so “sensitive.”  Don’t fall for it.  You know if it hurt or not--it was said to you!  In fact, the closer the name-calling person is to you, the more painful the name calling is.  Name calling is abusive, which is another reason why it hurts--abuse hurts.

RELATIONSHIP SILENCE: DOES SILENCE HELP YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND PROTECT YOUR PARTNER FROM PAIN?

I continue to see more and more female clients who’ve been unhappy in their relationships for years, yet have said little or nothing about it.  They’ve tried to do what their partners wanted, be sexual if their partners asked, not complain when they didn’t like something and be supportive of their partners at all costs.

After years of bottling everything up, the couples typically come into my office either because the women have threatened to leave the relationship or the men are unhappy with their sex life.  As I ask more questions, it’s evident that the women have been unhappy for years and the men had no idea.  Many of the women complained very little throughout the years, “hoping” they would feel more love for their partners.  When this didn’t happen, they lost all sexual desire for their partners and subsequently stopped having sex with them.

Often these women blamed their lack of sexual desire on themselves and continued saying nothing about their unhappiness in the relationship.  The men believed they were content.

STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES BUT WORDS WILL NEVER HURT ME: THE POWER OF WORDS IN RELATIONSHIPS

 

I often hear people proudly say that they’ve never hit their child or loved ones in an effort to defend how they speak to them (I.e.: “I may call my son a wimp, but at least I don’t hit him”).  I’ve never heard so clearly however, the absurdity of justifying ones words by the lack of physical beatings as I heard today when Sarah shared a little saying of her grandmother’s.  The loving saying (I say this in jest mind you) went like this:  “I never laid a hand on my children, but I could peel the skin off their back with my tongue”.

 

Yikes…I could not have expressed the toxicity of cutting words more perfectly myself, no matter how hard I tried.  You have to love these little quips for providing us with wonderful life lessons on what NOT to do. 

 

The reality is that words can be just as painful, scarring, and brutal as fists and belts.  Being proud of never striking your partner or child is wonderful… if you’re also being loving and respectful.  If you believe however, that as long as you don’t hit your loved ones you’re okay--think again.  Abuse is the maltreatment of a person and it is harmful regardless of whether the weapon of choice is your hand or mouth.

 

VENTING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS: IF YOU SAY IT, YOU MEAN IT...and it hurts

I'm shocked by how many people believe thier words are inconsequential when said in anger.  Throughout the years I've heard a myriad of excuses for people's hurtful words.  Here are some of the more common ones:

• It was no big deal, she know's I say things when I get mad.

• Give me break, I can't swear when I get mad?  Everyone swears.

• It wasn't that bad, she's just sensitive.

• He deserved it.  If he didn't do what he did then I wouldn't have been so angry.

• I didn't mean what I said, I was just angry.

Regardless of what your reason, saying hurtful things in anger is...hurtful.  It's hurtful to the person your speaking to, it's hurtful to your relationship, and it's hurtful to those in the vicinity who have to listen to it. 

IN RELATIONSHIPS ACTIONS ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT, IF NOT MORE IMPORTANT, THAN WORDS…

GANDHI: Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony”

Many people can say the right things. They may be able to preach about the right thing to do, share wonderful values, give others impeccable advice, and in essence be wonderful at having the relationally healthy answers to many of life’s difficult moral dilemmas. They may even be adamant about attending church every Sunday and be devout…Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, etc.

Where they falter however, is in living out their spoken values. Many people have a difficult time practicing what they preach.

Here are some real life examples:
• A preacher preaches about the importance of faithfulness within a marriage…while he is actively having an affair.
• A wife speaks about the importance of respect and having a loving family…while she continually screams at her husband and children and calls them names when she gets angry.
• A husband talks about the importance of family…yet is seldom home to spend time with his wife and children.

SPEAKING SAFELY: COMMUNICATION AND COUPLES

Speaking and listening safely is paramount in relationships. Let’s take speaking first. Are you a “safe” speaker? Seems like an odd question, I’m sure; however, I believe many couples do not communicate in a safe fashion.

The Encarta Dictionary defines “safe” as:
1. Unlikely to cause or result in harm, injury, or damage
2. In a position or situation that offers protection, so that harm, damage, loss, or unwanted tampering is unlikely

When you are speaking to your partner (or children, friends, co-workers, etc.), do you protect them from harm, damage, or injury—from you? I believe that many of us forget that, even in our anger, we are responsible for protecting our loved ones (and vice versa).

SO MANY RESENTMENTS, SO FEW WORDS: Healthy relationships require authentic conversations

Have you ever watched your partner do something fairly benign and found yourself snapping at them for it? Perhaps you woke up one day being utterly annoyed by the one characteristic that you used to love about your partner. What happened?

When I have couples in my office, I can easily see what’s not being said. As much as I’d like to say this is an amazing gift I have, it’s not. People are often just incredibly obvious about what they’re thinking--even if they don’t verbally share it.

Typically any of the following are signs that something is not being said that needs to be:
• One partner rolling his/her eyes while the other partner is relaying a story.
• A heavy sigh from one partner.
• A staring off into space while one partner is speaking.
• A reddening of the face, clenching of fists, or otherwise tightening of the body.
• An empty promise that is said in an effort to shut down the conversation and move on to less uncomfortable topics.
• A short, snappy reply or comment that seems to come out of nowhere.

There are many reasons we choose to not deal with issues head on, including: trying to avoid a conflict, believing our partner won’t listen anyway, not knowing exactly what it is that’s bothering us, being too tired, not trusting that it will help, wanting to be nice, etc. The list could go on and on, but hopefully you get the picture. The bottom line is we tell our partner in many ways that we’re annoyed with him/her, however seldom do we do this directly.

COMMUNICATION TOOL FOR COUPLES

Below is a quick tool for communicating in a clean, respectful way: the feedback wheel. This tool has been around in various forms for many years. The form I use is adapted from Pia Mellody and Terrence Real.

Note: I add one step to their feedback wheel: Open with a gift.

Prior to using the feedback wheel, be sure to ask your partner if now is a good time to talk. This insures that your partner is in a good space for listening which increases the odds of a more positive experience.

The steps are:
· Open with a gift: Start with a compliment or something that shows you care.

1. Describe the behavior: State just the facts not your interpretation of them. For example, don’t say, “When you were angry”. Instead state, “When you slammed your fist on the table”. If I can’t see or hear it on a video camera, then don’t say it.

2. State what you make up about this: Explain what meaning you gave it or how you interpreted the behavior. Do not say things like: “What that showed me is”, or “What that made me think was..” etc.

3. State your feeling: Simply state feeling words: joy/pain, anger/fear, lust/love, shame/guilt. Don’t say what you think, state only what you feel.

4. State your request: State exactly what you want. Be concrete and clear so your partner knows how to give it to you. Don’t just complain without giving your partner a chance to fix it.

This is how it would sound if I wanted to talk to my husband about being on the computer every night...

WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOUR BOYFRIEND PAYS MORE ATTENTION TO THE INTERNET THAN TO YOU?

My first question is what is he doing on the Internet? Is he doing work, looking at pornography, in chat rooms, playing video games, IM’ing someone or …? What’s keeping his attention?

It is becoming more and more common for people to come home from work, say hello and then go straight to the computer to do more work. They may start checking e-mails, finishing up “pressing” business, checking on ‘just one more thing’ and generally being unavailable to loves ones.

This happened with my husband and I, only both of us were doing work on the computer. One day I stopped and realized how distant we were becoming. I asked my husband if he had noticed and we both came up with a plan to reconnect. We agreed to have a half hour of uninterrupted conversation (no TV.) and only use computers if it was an emergency. We made the decision to put us before our computers. Now, as I write this, I realize we may need to have another talk… (Thank-you for the reminder).

So if your boyfriend or loved one is paying more attention to the internet than to you, and it is not pornography he/she is looking at, then your first step is to start with a conversation. Sit your partner down and let him/her know how his/her behavior is impacting you. Offer your partner a solution to the problem and see if he/she agrees to make a change.

Offering your partner a solution is important. Come up with two possible alternatives and ask him if he is willing to try one of them. This allows him a way to repair, and it gets out of the complain and blame game.

The worst thing you can do is say nothing while you steadily boil over with anger, resentment or hopelessness. You also don’t want to do the opposite and make biting comments every time he’s at the computer (I.e. “Oh, there you go again at that damn computer”). Remember to say it straight and ask for what you want.

Challenge: If there is something your partner is doing that is bothering you take a moment to come up with two possible solutions. Pick a time that is good for both of you to talk and then say it straight and ask for what you want.

Note: If it is pornography he is looking at, that topic will be in a future blog.