RELATIONSHIP STRUGGLES… HOW MUCH STRUGGLE IS TOO MUCH?

There are so many conflicting messages in the world about relationships that people don’t know what to expect or even hope for in their relationships.  On the one side we hear that relationships are hard work and at the other end we hear that if you marry your soul mate, everything should be smooth sailing.

So what’s the truth?

My belief is that relationships take time to form, attention to grow, and nourishment to stay strong.  This can be hard work, however, most of the work is time and attention--not constant struggles filled with harsh comments, intense fighting, or cold silences. 

There’s a difference between putting time into something, versus working like a dog constantly to be heard, respected, and cherished.   I believe that relationships take time and effort.  I do not believe they should be an endless dance of pain and sorrow followed by occasional moments of joy.

If you’ve been wondering if you’re working too hard and getting too little then slow down and take a look at that.  Nourishing, healthy relationships will feel…nourishing.  They will fuel you, support you, bring you joy more times than not, and they will feel good.  Yes, there will be difficult times however these times should be the exception rather than the rule.

There will be times when you and your partner may hit a rough patch that will last quite a while such as the birth of a child, or an affair, or a death of a loved one, yet even these times should be handled with respect and love.  Having moments of difficult conversations, boredom, distance, struggles etc., are normal. Having years of steady pain, struggles and distance is not.

For those of you who are in relationships that are painful more often than not, it’s time to decide what you want for your life.  If you want a relationship that fuels you, you have to fight to get it.  Seek help, look at your part in the struggle and fix it your end, be clear about what you want, and respectfully stand up to get it. 

If you get the relationship you deserve as a result, then the fight was well worth it.

CHALLENGE:  If your relationship is frequently painful and difficult, know this is not how relationships are meant to be.  Take some time to look at what’s not working.  Figure out what your role is in this dance.  Fix your piece.  Stand up and ask your partner to fix his/hers.  If necessary seek help.

Comments

[Candy]

I have been with my husband since Feb 2010. We got married in November 2010. Our relationship has not been very solid. There has been some physical and mental abuse on his part and in May 2010 I left and filed for divorce. We got back together and I stopped the divorce. We have been trying to work on things but things have been rocky. We have 4 children between us. I have 2 and he has 2 from previous marriages. He wants to run the household and wants to keep the exes out of the picture with decision with the children and I disagree with that. I feel like he is very needy and I do not have the energy for that with a full time job and 4 children. 1 of his children live with us full time and both of my children live with me full time. I can't seem to give him the love and affection that he demands with three children at home. I feel like now that I have made a mistake by giving this relationship a try but he does not agree. He said he feels unloved and unwanted in this relationship but he is not willing for us to go separate ways. I feel trapped. My 16 year old no longer wants to be home when he is there and when his children are there. There is so much tenstion in the home. I dont know what to do. He has started taking xanez and celexa. Now he is using the bible and religion to try to keep us together. What should I do?

Dear Candy, Be clear that the relationship is not working and that you both need to get into therapy to see if it can change. If he refuses I would get into therapy yourself and then do whatever you have to to not be in an unhealthy relationship.
For your children's sake I would do this asap.
Take Care- Lisa

[Victoria]

Hi Lisa,

I am 25 and been in a relationship for last 4.5 years with my 24 yr old boyfriend. He comes from what seems like a dysfunctional family. His mom has been depressed for years and has never been there for the kids. She manipulated her kids to give her what she wanted. My bf left his family after trying for years to solve the real problems at home. He still cares about them but is very hurt and angry at them. He is starting to think about patching things up with them again, provided certain things change.

Now, his family background affects us. About 2 years ago, he told me that he doesn't respect me. He has never been mean to me or insulted me. But he kept expecting me to be "better" than I am. We had constant struggles about me telling him to accept me for who I am. He decided to stop being so critical of me, but it doesn't seem like he was really able to accept me.

A couple months ago, I asked him to severe contact with a girl he had a crush on (because he forgot about a certain decision we made regarding this crush), it was heated. He didn't want to let her go without having a calm discussion with me. I was too threatened to have a calm discussion about it. The fight escalated into a breakup with him "realizing" that I wasn't fighting fairly. That was an eye-opener for him that I hadn't been fighting fairly for a while (which is true) and couple other expectations that he had weren't fulfilled. He aims for an amazing relationship which puts a lot of pressure on us. I am happy with a good relationship. I find his expectations to be too high.

After months of trying to resolve his feelings, we have finally reached a place (after years) where we can sit down and talk through the issues. He has always been interested in resolving issues in such a way that they never come up again.

Another big issue on my mind is that of commitment. I want the relationship to move forward, but he's scared. I am scared too and wonder if this actually is a good relationship for me. We get along well, we have similar intellectual interests, we 'get' each other... but things are difficult. I don't know if this can be salvaged. A couple months ago, I told him that I can give this relationship 4 more months to see if the issues can be resolved. We have made some changes, but I am not sure if I should stick around after those 4 months are over. I don't even know how to go about fixing the way things have been... I don't know what to do about things being difficult.

Oh, and I just found out he's avoidantly attached, whereas I am pretty much secure.

[Mik]

I am 17 years old and my girlfriend is 16 years old. I have been with my girlfriend for three months before i had to migrate to the United States to live. It's not easy for us to see each other as we like because we are continents apart and still young. We both agreed to keep it going even though I was not prepared but I was still high on love(the first part of any relationship). At first it seemed all easy for two months but one day I woke feeling really sick and confused,I even felt like ending it but I Love her too much to do so. I most of all do not want to hurt her.I pray everyday about our relationship. It have been three months after my first panic attack and ever since then, I'm hardly at peace, I cry everyday, I feel depressed and totally out. I do stuff to be active but in my quiet times I'm back down. I feel like giving up because the pain and discomfort gets too much but she'll never understand and accept that. We are practically apart for all our lives and are so young and in pain.I'm in tears as I type this. What your advice to help me overcome the pain.

Dear Mik: I would be honest with your girlfriend and let her know you're finding the distance really hard. Let her know you love her very much however, think it would be best if both of you stopped going out due to your ages and the distance. It will not be healthy for either of you to stay in this relationship out of fear of hurting the other person. You're both young and would benefit from exploring different relationships--especially given the distance. If your relationship was meant to be, there is plenty of time to find your way back to one another when and if the distance permits.
In general, remember that it is not healthy to put your feelings and life on hold out of fear of what the other person will do or how they will react. Sacrificing your happiness for the sake of someone else's ends up hurting both parties.
Best of luck-Lisa

[neri]

Hi Lisa, I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months now. We have a smooth relationship. We see each other everyday since we study in the same school. After class when I get home, we text each other until before we sleep and as soon as we wake up, but now he's not texting as often as before. In fact I haven't received any message from him the past three days though we still see each other everyday and we don't have fights or problems.. It's just that I'm not used to not receiving any text message from him for that long.. is this still normal in a relationship??

Dear Neri: Talk to your boyfriend and ask him why the texting has decreased. Don't assume, wonder, wait etc., just have a conversation. Listen to his answer and then see how feel. If it sounds legitimate, great. If not, get curious. A reduction in texting over time in a relationship is common, however, typically it's a gradual decrease by both parties.
If you don't like something in a relationship, you have to talk about it...always, or else small issues become big issues.
Take Care-Lisa

[Kris]

Lisa,

I have been with my boyfriend for about 2.5 years. He's 42 and I'm 36 (no spring chickens!) We have talked about getting married for some time. The hold up has been his anxiety about marriage. I've asked him to get help and he has plus we have been to counseling together. He seems to get a panic attack every time he tries to pick up the ring. (not because of money) Although I've been to therapy with him and they've said it's his issue, it still makes me feel bad. He's also been telling me "it's a matter of days" until he proposes but it has been a year.... then he says that he feels bad that it has "taken him longer that it has expected to." Well, you know the boy who cried wolf? I believe he's sincere, but I'm just not sure he can pull the trigger. I've become tired of this "struggle". To the point where I kind of don't feel like seeing him. I'm trying to figure out if it's a self-protection mechanism or it's just become "too hard" to be with him.

Thanks for your advice.

[toni-]

Hi There,

I love my boyfriend very much and Im sure he loves me (We have been together 5 and a half years. However Since he went back to uni and made contact with estranged family 2 years ago it has been a struggle.
He moved further away from me to be close to university and then to live with said family as a way to save money.When there are exams on I hardly see him.
I broke up with him once due to his bad prioritizing and once he asked for space to get his act together.
He has improved but
Since then he has definitely improved but I,m still feeling dissatisfied.
I am going through a hard time right now with the death of my father and the chronic illness of my mother and a very large and demanding family. I wish he was around more to support me.
We both want good careers to make our goal of marriage and kids affordable. I work full time and study distance learning.
Am I right to be supportive and stay with him although at times it causes me to feel insecure that I cannot see him as often as I would like or think is right?

Dear Toni: I would say that your problem is not about how often you see him, but rather how much you feel supported by him emotionally. The death of a parent is hard enough to get through, adding the illness of your other parent makes things significantly harder. Have an honest conversation with your boyfriend about how you're feeling and what you want. Be clear about what kind of support would be the most helpful. Also be clear about what the effect of his lack of support has on your relationship. Being honest now is your best bet for creating a great future together later.
Good Luck-Lisa

Toni-Ann

[Delisha]

Hi Lisa,

I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. After the first month of our relationship, he went away. Since then, our relationship has been long distance. Our love is very strong. Almost too strong. Lately, we've been having issues...ALOT of them. He's been lying to me alot. Yes, it was little white lies. But it still bothers me. He's also starting to hide stuff from me. For example, I would ask him what he needed the money that I sent him for. He would be vague with his answers. After asking him 4 times, he finally came out with the truth. It turned out that he just wanted to have money in his pocket for "whatever." Our dramas has gotten so bad to where I'm crying almost everyday. I try my best to communicate with him so he knows what's upsetting me and what he does (or doesn't do) that makes me sad. It's very frustrating. We can solve a problem one day and then have another the next day. There was a few times where I started questioning myself. Thinking that I might be too hard on him. Our problems have been weighing down on me alot. He's very passive so most of the time it feels like I'm better off talking to a wall. He always uses the distance as an excuse for us having problems all the time. Telling me that we wouldn't have any problems if we were together in person. He also has the hardest time of trying to put into words the way he feels. I'm always expressing my feelings to him. I just wish that he would do the same. I think that our relationship would be less of a hassle if he would just be open with me like how I am to him. Am I expecting too much? Am I doing something wrong? What do you think can be done to help my relationship? -Sad Lad Without Tissues

Dear Sad Lad Without Tissues: Good relationships should not leave you crying every day--or even every month. Lying is also not a good sign. I can't help but think that if you weren't so afraid of losing him that you would instead be clear with him about what's not working for you. Listen to your wisest voice. What does it tell you? Healthy relationships should not be this painful. Have the courage to stand up for yourself and let the chips fall where they may. You deserve to be in a loving relationship. He can't give it--seek it else where but don't settle.
Take care-Lisa

[Van]

Hi Lisa,

I'm 20 and I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months now. We met through an exchange program and at the end of this 6 months program we decided that even if we were living 4 hours away from each other we would continue the relationship. It's been 6 months we are back...and it's been hard. We usually see each other every weekend. For the last few months we have had fights over the littlest stupid things as well as some more serious things (mostly on the weekends). Last weekend he decide we needed a break (which i agreed). We talked and realize that we were fighting over the weekend and then on week nights we would just get passed our fights by talking on the phone and saying how the both of us were wrong and bla bla bla...without really fixing the problems...Now we decided to make a few changes in the relationship such as talking only once on the phone at night (so we don't run out of things to say....cause we would text throughout the day ...i guess we were trying to be part of each others day even if we live far apart) And also we decided that every friday night would be our time to talk about issues and be really listening instead of talking back...so then the issues would be known and worked on...We also felt that we couldn't see our friends as much...Because since its been 5 days we are apart we would try to spend as much time just the both of us on the weekends....but i guess its not the healthiest thing to do...cause we just closed ourself to the world..I'm scared the relationship will end..yet I'm not sure that we are made to be together anymore...is it the distance or more...I'm not sure...one thing I do know is that we are both in love with each other...And we both seem to be ready to do some serious changes here..even if we know its gonna be hard

What I would like to know is what are your views on this situation and also what do you think of long distance relationships...what are the ways to make it easier or at least healthier...

Thanks a lot,

Van

Dear Van: Calling once a night is smart. It sounds like you both got too enmeshed with each other. You tried to overcome the distance by smothering each other. Take some space and both of you need to realize that it's important to have your own life as individuals as well as a couple. The things you incorporated sound good and now just see how they work.
What do other readers think about tips for long distance relationships? Chime in...
Lisa

[Claire]

Dear Lisa,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months. I am a freshman in college. I really love the guy and we get along great with one exception. It seems like once a week we have some sort of conflict! This week it was him making a promise to me to spend time with me and then never getting around to making the actual plans. Maybe I made too big of a deal about this but I cleared my day for him and got high hopes about having a fantastic day with my boyfriend! The conflict last week was that one of our mutual friends (who is a woman) flirts with my boyfriend quite frequently. I am worried that our relationship is too hard and I shouldn't have to deal with a problem once a week. It is exhausting. I thought relationships were supposed to be easier? Then again I am quite inexperienced in that department. Thank you for your consideration.

Dear Claire: Relationships should not be crazy hard--just a little hard. Another woman flirting with your boyfriend does not sound like a true friend to me. The fact that you have disagreements once a week isn't the issue as much as how you both work out the issues. Are you both listening to each other and making changes so the SAME struggles don't continually come up. if not, change your tactics. Don't complain about an issue--take action to change it. make agreements that are clear, concrete and have a specific date to be carried out by--then hold one another accountable for following through. You could also talk to your boyfriend about how you would like him to respond to the other woman's flirting rather than telling him you don't like it. I would also consider talking to the other woman if she is supposed to be a mutual friend. Do so form a place of respect.
Good luck-Lisa

[Sarah]

Hi, I really need some advice.
I'm a 21 yr old female, and have been dating my boyfriend since we were in year 12 at highschool. The first couple of years were magical.. we couldn't leave each others side!

4 years down the track he's made new friends through work, and really enjoys hanging out with them on the weekends.. so much to the point where he'll cancel plans with me just so he can go out with them. Am I just jealous? Or is this a sign that he wants space? I've asked him numerous times if I can come with him.. but he just tells me that it is a 'boys night'.. don't get me wrong, I completely trust him, but i just feel like I'm not as important to him anymore.
What should I do?

DEAR SARAH: "Not leaving each other's side" is not healthy for relationships. Healthy relationships allow room for the couple as well as the individual. Both you and your boyfriend should be spending time individually with your friends. I would not be concerned about him hanging out with friends as long as the two of you still spend time together as well and he treats you well. In fact, it might be time for you to reconnect with friends who may have taken a back seat when he came along. You need both. Spending all you time with one person is a lot of pressure on that relationship. Widen your circle and enjoy the freedom to do so.
Take care-Lisa